The Untouched Heart

Chapter 87 - My Life Without You

~Za~

I was a selfish and stubborn woman, I realized that. And I'm so hurt by my nature. I lost my love. I also lost a husband I loved very much.

Anyone who sees where I live, what I eat, and what I wear will say that I am lucky and very happy. The reality is not so. I am not happy and very lonely.

In this mansion, I live with my son and some servants. As the sole host, I can no longer be familiar with the workers. All because of my mistake. They were angry and protested because it was me who caused their master to not want to stay here anymore. They still serve all the needs of my life well, but they stop talking about their personal problems with me.

Only the presence of my son can comfort me. But my first son was too similar to his father. Not physically, but his nature. I always remembered him. And it was so torturous. Because every time I remember my husband, I feel guilty.

My mistake with him was fatal, I know that. I gave myself up to another man. My husband, no, my ex-husband could not forgive me and mercilessly, he ended our marriage. As a party who has made a mistake, I cannot protest and resign when signing all the divorce papers.

For five years we have been separated. For as long as I stopped hating him. My feelings for him are getting stronger. I let my feelings grow bigger because I just wanted to be with my son's father until I died. If he doesn't want me anymore, that's okay. I am content to express my feelings by raising our child as best I can.

There are some men who are trying to get into my life, on average not just any man. But I'm not interested in any of them. There is no one like Hendra. Who is patient with me, who does not give up on me, who loves me very much. Formerly.

“Mama!!” The door of my room opened and a little girl ran with an unstable step towards me. I opened my hands wide. He's pouring into my arms.

“Mama's beloved daughter is awake.” I kissed her plump cheeks, then looked towards Yuyun. “Thank you, Yun. Lunch can be served.”

“Good, Mistress,” he said obediently and out of the room.

“Dira is hungry?” I asked him to direct all my attention to him. He nodded while looking at my laptop screen.

“Baby Shark.” He clasped both hands in a child-model style in the music video. I smiled and played the video he asked. She immediately got out of my arms and danced to the model on the video. If it's like this, she's so adorable.

“Mamaaa!!” The voice of a child from far away. I laughed a little at it.

“Sir, Ma! Brother! Sister home!” cheers Dira happy, immediately forgot his favorite song. Not long after that the door opened and a boy in a Kindergarten uniform came in. He immediately hugged me and then showered me with a kiss. Dira hugged him.

“Kakak!” said Dira was happy.

“Dira!” Hadi put his bag on the sofa and opened it. He took out a paper and showed it to us. “See! Look, what I drew today!”

“Very good drawing, dear!” I kissed her cheek. He laughed amusedly. “And I love you, too.”

“Thank you, Mama.” He hugged me tightly. I closed my eyes enjoying the love he was showing me. Don't cry, Za. Don't cry.

“Change your clothes, we'll have lunch soon. Mama did her job first. Sister to the room with Bu Yuyun, yes.” I rubbed his head.

“OK, Ma,” he said obediently.

We had lunch together and Hadi didn't stop telling her what she learned at school from her teacher and what she did with her classmates. Because he's a smart, sociable kid, I put him in Kindergarten A. Hendra didn't say anything when I told him my plan was, so I signed him up to a kind of relaxed kindergarten.

So far he likes it. He does not do too much academic activity and only has fun with children his age. Dira also wants to go to school like her sister, but she is not even two years old yet. I don't want to take it off so soon either. I still want to enjoy my time with him at home.

“Papa doesn't love me, huh, Ma? If it's dear, why didn't Papa ever come?” asked Hadi while we were watching a children's movie in the living room.

“Papa is coming. There are so many things to do that Papa can't come to see you yet.” I rubbed his hair.

“Papa is more affectionate with his job.” She's pouting. I smiled seeing him.

“You like to eat fried chicken, can go to school, can buy toys, it all takes money. Mama's just at home looking after you and can't make any money on her own. But Papa can. That's why, Papa has to work so that you and Dira can get all that, baby.” I try to give him understanding.

The older he gets, the more questions he has about his father. I never hid Hendra from him. The picture is in every corner of the house. So, neither he nor Dira could see their father's face every day. I had to do it so that they wouldn't be surprised or think of him as a stranger when they finally met him later.

Children love to read stories before going to bed. Every night we gather in Hadi's room. The two of them would lie down while listening to me read one of their books of choice. When the two fell asleep, I carried Dira and put her to bed.

Even though the children were small, I did not let them sleep in one room. I don't know until when Hendra will let me stay with Hadi and Dira. So I prepared them from childhood to be able to live independently, not too familiar with me nor too close to each other. So they wouldn't be surprised if we had to split up later.

I actually didn't sleep in our bed. There were too many memories with him in that room and bed. Sometimes I can still feel him present in my sleep. He hugged me until morning as was his custom. But when I woke up alone in the room and felt the cold side of the bed where he usually lay, I knew that I was just dreaming.

But only the memories I have. Although it was painful, I chose to stay asleep in this room and reminisce about it. Someday I know that I'm going to get out of this house. I don't have any right to stay here forever. This is Hendra's house and I'm not his wife anymore.