The Untouched Heart

Chapter 83 - Your Wounds are Too Deep

One by one tears fell from my eyes. Stupid me. After what I did, I still hope there will be a chance for us to fix this long-destroyed marriage? Hendra doesn't love me anymore. She just waited until I gave birth and was strong enough to hear the decision she had long taken.

The Hendra I love so much wants a divorce from me.

He sighed softly, then stood up. I wanted to endure it, but I also did not want to make her suffer any longer. If this is his decision, then I must accept it. Instead of leaving the room, he sat by my side. I looked towards him. He smiled and then stroked my cheek. My tears fell back.

“I know why you can't love me. It's not because you hate me. Or because our marriage is not your own desire. You will not be able to love another man. Because you're afraid of getting hurt again. You love your ex so deeply, that you ignore every odd thing in your relationship, accept her for who she is, forgive her every mistake, but she betrays you instead.

“You are hurt so deeply that it is easier for you to forgive him than it is to open your heart to another man. You are not ready to get hurt again. You are not ready to entrust your heart to a new man who has actually managed to fill your heart, all because you do not want to be hurt again.

“And it makes you misread your own heart. You gave your body to her because you thought you still loved her. But you do not feel what you expect after becoming one with him.

“You only hurt yourself. You know why? Because you know that what you're doing is going to hurt the man who's been living in your heart for a long time. And you only realize that when it's too late. And, you're hurt again.

“I was seriously injured because of what you did. How can you do that? How can you give my rights, mine, to another man? The man who had repeatedly tore apart my pride without needing to be present in front of me.

“I put aside my pride by constantly trying to get your heart. My wife's own heart. But what are you doing? Constantly allowing another man who is not even willing to fight for his love to remain in your heart. And you close your eyes to all my struggles?

“What won't I do to make you laugh? What am I not going to do to make you happy? What am I not going to sacrifice to take away your grief? What's my lack, Za? Until you hate me and reject my love?”

“I'm sorry, Hen. Please, don't go on again.” I no longer held back my tears and roared feeling the pain in my chest. Hendra hugged me to dampen my crying voice but he couldn't dampen the rampage of guilt in my chest.

Yeah, God. What have I done? How could I have been that million? I love this man so much, why at the same time should I let him go? Is there no way for us to be together again?

“Separation is the only path for us. I can't live with you and let my mind be haunted by your shadow while with another man. I'm not that strong, honey. I've tried and I'm sorry, I can't afford this wedding anymore.”

His hand on my chin raised my face to look at her. When his lips met mine, I didn't want them. He kissed me for so long and deeply, but I did not expect it. This is not a kiss full of love. He's saying goodbye.

“See you in court, Zahara.” He let go of his embrace and stood up. I didn't hold back or say anything to make him stay here any longer. He came out of the room, and my tears broke. It's all over.

Hearing the subtle roar of the car engine, I was stunned. Where's he going? Didn't he just come home from work? I immediately stood up and walked towards the front door. Abdi stood there with the door still open. But Hendra's car is out of the yard.

“Where does he go?” ask me to Abdi. My heart was pounding hard, afraid to hear an answer I definitely would not like.

“Starting from tonight, the Master will stay in his new apartment, Madam,” he said. The apartment? When did he buy an apartment? Does that mean he won't stay here anymore with me and Hadi? We haven't started the divorce process yet but he's gone from home?

I stared at the gate where the last time the car was. This isn't a dream. I went into the house with shaky steps. The house now feels so empty. It's a lot emptier than the six years I spent with Hendra. Then everything went dark. Seal my world without Hendra again.

When I opened my eyes, I saw the worried faces of Abdi and Liando. I look around me. Oh, I'm lying in the room. Then I heard the sound of a baby crying. My son needs me. I reached out my hand, Abdi immediately helped me to sit down.

“You come out, Hadi hungry.” I received my son from Yuyun. The three of them were ready to leave the room. I suckled the little guy, and he stopped crying.

A single tear fell on my son's forehead. I immediately wiped it. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I can't let this debilitate me. My farewell to Hendra was supposed to happen. I still have Hadi and he needs a strong mother.

Everything that happened was my own fault. If I had to pay for my sins by suffering for a lifetime, I would. I deserve to be left behind after the betrayal I committed. I was too naive to hope that he would forget about it and forgive me completely. He who only kisses other women can only forgive me after all these years.

He allowed me to raise our son was a miracle. I don't have any rights to Hadi if he demands custody. For I am the one who betrays and does evil among us. The court will easily grant his request. But Hendra allowed me to babysit on my own.

“Im sorry mom, son. I've separated you from your papa so soon. Please, don't hate him. I hate the one who ruined everything. I love him but I hurt him. We can't stop him from leaving. He's been suffering for six years with me. Now he deserves to be happy.”