Dear, Soul!!

Ber

I knew what I was doing was wrong, all I knew was that I just followed my heart without thinking about what would happen next, expressing what I thought was like this like making a boomerang on myself, I would find it even harder to end my relationship with Farhan and how I would explain it to Fauzi and also Mother. But there is a fear of loss and abandonment and it bothers me, to keep me calm from this disturbing feeling I have to make a defense so that something that wants to leave me can't get out of my circle, well.. with me expressing this feeling to Farhan, I knew he would have no reason to leave me.

Farhan looked so happy when I expressed my feelings, he even left one eye of his lecture today just to take a walk with me. I should have banned him, leaving my eyes was not a good move but in reality I also wanted to be with Farhan at this time.

"Where are you? want to eat first?" Farhan asked with enthusiasm.

"Just as big brother.." Answer smiled.

"Emh.. How about ice cream? you like ice cream, right?" He looked at me with a smile.

"Can.."

"Eh, but you haven't had lunch.. Then we'll have lunch first.."

"Well, I ate with Nina.."

"So you want to just snack?"

"Yes.."

"okay.. Your girlfriend's gonna take you to a place where there's a nice snack.." Farhan said excitedly.

The car drove, I don't know where Farhan would take me. I just followed.

We arrived at a beachside cafe, although the sun was a little hot but still the roar of the wind made the atmosphere cool. I saw the expression of the part of Farhan that he could not hide.

"You likey?"

"Yes, sweetie.." I answered while devouring ice cream with colorful and savory toppings.

"It's good that you like it.." Farhan said, looking at me.

"Will not eat? Brother doesn't like it?"

Farhan..

"Usually also lose quickly if eating ice cream is the same as me, why not like it now.."

"Because my love moved to all of you.." Answer smiled. Ah Farhan's answer made me blush a little.

"Apaan.. " I smiled faintly with a little shame.

"I'm happy, I'm happy because I can see you like this. I'm glad I could make you smile so sweet and shy like this. I like and love you from the past but it feels like today my feelings are getting crowded because it feels like it's about to explode" he explained.

"Till it??"

"Yes to his side.. I don't know what else it's like.."

I'm just smiling.

"I'm sorry I've been having a hard time for you.."

Farhan..

"I even forgot that I had a hard time because of you.. I was so happy today that I forgot about the hard times.. After this I will strive to be even better, I will strive to be as Farhan as you wish.." Said smiling.

"James of yesterday made me realize, all this time I was too forcing my will to be the same brother. As long as you don't call me, I get nervous and nervous on my own. From that I learned what big brother means to me, I realized that part of my heart already belongs to big brother, I'm afraid brother won't call me anymore..."

"It's nice to hear you talk like that... I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday.." Farhan said as he stroked my cheek. "I was also in trouble yesterday, not knowing how many times I tried to contact you but I always held him back, I always wished you were the first one to contact me. Almost every hour I check my phone even though the volume of my ringtone I make the maximum so that even though I fell asleep I can still realize when you call me, Haha it feels funny. Until finally this morning, I couldn't stand it anymore, I miss, I want to squirm your face I want to hear your voice. My head is filled with you and guilt. I was thinking why should I wait for you to call me and what needed was me.."

"Sorry, I'm so.."

"Sorry what?" He said cut my words. "I was too selfish yesterday. You don't know at first I was afraid to meet you when I picked you up earlier"

"Why?"

"I'm afraid you're angry and don't want to see me again, I'm afraid you're going to leave me. As long as I wait for you I keep thinking the same bad things that might happen. But writhing you here just as I now make me so relieved.." Said smiling.

"Me too.."

"You too?"

"Yes, when you come to pick me up, I'm afraid you're going to say something I don't want to hear. But ngedenger explanation brother earlier made me can not take it anymore.."

"what am I saying that you don't want to hear?"

"For example, you give up on me, you can't stand me and.."

"That's impossible... I never even thought about leaving you.."

"Thank you brother..." I said smile.

"I should be grateful to Salwa.." The answer smiled back.

"Judah eat gih..."

"But I'd rather see you than nguyah..."

"Ck. sis..."

"Yes, I ate.. " Said in a hurry to eat a scoop of ice cream. I just smiled to see it.

We enjoyed our time together, my thoughts continued to be around Farhan without caring about anything else. My phone is silent, I don't want any calls or notifications. Ah what I did, maybe there was a message coming in from Fauzi but I deliberately seemed to ignore it.

Farhan drove me home, along the way we were engrossed in chatter and remembered the past events we had both experienced. There were some moments that Farhan and I could not forget like the one where Farhan first expressed his feelings last time. It feels so good to talk about it. We are like two people who are blooming and forgetting about each other's status and about what we ignore when it is important, well, something that we ignored when it was very much about our relationship, namely Fauzi. I ignored my feelings for Fauzi and forgot about what it would be like if Fauzi knew about this relationship one day. Seeing Farhan who seemed to remain engrossed in me was also like putting aside her brotherly feelings with Fauzi at the moment.

I don't care what happens in the future, although I realize that what's going on right now is wrong but it's not enough to make me stop my relationship with Farhan. I am still fully aware of my feelings for Fauzi. But I also feel like I can't get away from Farhan at the moment. Either because I really have feelings for Farhan or it's just a form of protecting myself from loneliness when Fauzi isn't around. I don't know, I just enjoyed the time I had all this time, I don't know in the future what it's clear I'm going to keep going in case this isn't until Fauzi finds out because I don't want to lose Fauzi either. How bad I am right now.