Dear, Soul!!

Disillusioned..

The day has changed, and this is the day I have been really looking forward to for the past month.

One notification came in on my phone and I quickly opened it hoping it was a message from Fauzi, but back again I was disappointed.

"Happy birthday dear Salwaku.. Long and healthy life always. Hopefully this year Salwaku can be better than the previous years and what his wishes can be realized. Stay enthusiastic in your every activity and become the favorite Pharmacist of the community.. Uwuu Community's favorite pharmacist seems too excessive, Hahaha.. Anyway Wish U all the best baby.." The short message Annisa sent that I was hoping for was the one Fauzi had sent.

Slowly my tears flowed. Not like this.. It's not what I want, I've been waiting for this time but why it's even like this. Did I guess wrong again??

"Ohahaha I forgot, I also prayed very much that my prayer this time could be realized.. Hopefully this year Salwa's name can change to Ms. Fauzi.. Hope your relationship is good.. Uwuu"

My tears that had been dripping slowly were now flowing profusely after receiving the second short message that Annisa had sent. I also very much hope as to what Annisa expected, even today is the day that Fauzi promised for it but what reality do I accept now? everything was not in line with my expectations and expectations.

I was still waiting, my tears that had once flowed swiftly now were no longer even dry without leaving a trace on my cheeks. My eyes are not even once distracted from my phone, I still keep waiting and hoping. If she doesn't say the proposal tonight like she said, at least she'll wish me a happy birthday.

Slowly my eyes began to fade, because the swelling after crying and the night that had almost changed to morning made me my eyes could no longer look at the screen and wait longer. The time had already shown at three in the morning and there were still no incoming messages or calls from Fauzi. My heart ached after hope but what happened was not as expected. I've waited a month and now I've waited until almost morning but it's all for nothing now.

.

.

.

.

"Happy birthday dear.." My mother said to kiss my forehead.

I was still asleep awake because of the presence of my mother in my room.

"Aren't you at work today??" Ask Mom who sees me still asleep is usually at this hour I am ready.

"Son't Ma.." I answered with my eyes closed.

I am not in the spirit of sensitivity today, it feels like there is a heavy burden and there is a wound in my heart that I cannot handle.

"Why??"

I slowly moved and sat down and hugged my mother.

"Honey.. Why eyes? How'd it swell like this??"

"Well, Nina and Annisa took turns calling last night and making me sleepless until almost morning.." My answer was lying to Mom, I couldn't tell Mom the truth.

"Don't lie, baby.. Your eyes wouldn't be this swollen if you just got less sleep.."

"Son Ma'am, I really am.."

"You cry all night??" Ask Mom to cut my words.

Ah I forgot that a mother would be very sensitive to her child.

"Lady..." I hugged Mom tightly and came back crying shedding the pain of my feelings.

"Why baby? You why?? Same story as Mom.."

I finally told Mother everything about Fauzi saying that he would come to propose to me on my birthday which I waited until three in the morning but none of the messages were there. I told her while sobbing.

"Oh my goodness, baby.. You are really..." Mom said pinching my cheek while smiling.

I was confused to see mother's response, why was it so relaxing after I told her everything.

"Fauzi did say on your birthday.. And today until twelve o'clock that night is still your birthday. Maybe Fauzi prepared it today, it doesn't mean because last night was the turn of the day and you immediately thought Fauzi would say it right then and there. Maybe Fauzi will say it this afternoon, this afternoon or maybe later that night he'll take me to dinner.."

Ah yes, why don't I think like that? Why do I always assume that Fauzi will say it at exactly twelve o'clock last night. Maybe it's because I've waited too long until I really thought Fauzi would say it at the turn of the day.

"Sir Ma.. I'm just gonna go to work.."

"You sure?"

I'm nodding.

"You're ready, I'll prepare your breakfast first.." Mother said passed.

I chose to go to work today because if I stayed at home it would make me wait again and make me feel the time is running very slow. Work will make me forget for a moment.

.

.

.

Happy birthday in a row I got from friends at work this afternoon, even some patients also say while praying when they hear other friends say each other alternately. I am grateful to be surrounded by good people who pray for good things on my birthday. Well, no matter how much I hide my disappointment because Fauzi who did not tell me, will still be caught by some friends who are quite familiar with me.

"Salwa is different?" Ask Izki.

"Yes, not like yesterday I could hear the grin.." Izka who is usually indifferent also asked.

"Oh hehe, I'm just sleepy because all night phone call same friend congratulated" I replied lying.

While working I occasionally check my phone and still very much hope there will be a notification from Fauzi but still nothing. I even hoped that when I got home from work there was Fauzi waiting for me outside like before when he picked me up for the night, but again I was disappointed to realize there was no Fauzi waiting.

I didn't know what else to do, from morning till afternoon and until tonight I waited for Fauzi to call me but even if there wasn't.

"Stupid... Salwa you're so stupid..." I said to condemn myself.

My tears flowed again, crying over my disappointment that left my heart so hurt.

"Why? Why should I wait? Why should I hope and why I foolishly believe Fauzi's words..." I said constantly grumbling while occasionally wiping my tears.

"Why should I take Fauzi's words seriously, clearly Fauzi said it when sick and when his consciousness was almost lost due to sleepiness.. Why do I believe Fauzi's words he said were half delirious..." I constantly blame myself.

Yes, I think I was wrong. Fauzi was ill at the time and his consciousness slowly disappeared as he was sleepy. Yes that day Fauzi was just delirious and upon realizing he forgot everything he had said. I was too stupid to take Fauzi's words seriously.

It's been one night, and half of my heart is still hoping and waiting. Ah why am I still a fool, it's been the turn of the day and my birthday is over. As long as I wait, the results will be the same. There will be no word from Fauzi.

Slowly my consciousness began to disappear, I could get sick if this continued.

Tincture..

One message notification came in but it was no longer heard by me that my consciousness began to disappear and slowly fell asleep.

.

.

.

.

Up until the end of tomorrow..

Hiks, if forced tonight will be a lot of typo scattered..

hikss forgive myself 😭😭