Forever Love

Persuade God

Qania Salsabila POVs

 

I drove the motorbike I was driving off the airport and soon I turned my head to see the plane that had taken Tristan away with him. Back I turned my eyes straight into the street. I wish I could get home quickly and rest my heart, body and mind. Today felt so heavy for me.

Soon I arrived in front of my luxury home in-laws who planned to spend the night here until my son came home. But tomorrow it looks like I have to go back to my parents' house because Elin's wedding is only a few days away and she's sure to go on a rampage if she doesn't see me there.

After taking a shower and refreshing my mind, I took the time to call my son. We talked through video calls until Ar finally gave up and decided to go to bed first. Just looking at his face, I felt like I was with Arkana. The boy actually inherited his father's genes.

I looked at the ceiling and remembered what I had done to Tristan.

“Why did I get so desperate?” I muttered while touching my lips with my index finger.

I'm doomed to my stupidity, the crazy idea of where it came from. How could I do that to Tristan. She must be worried because I rejected her then at the same time I kissed her.

But the strange vibration I felt when I was with Arkana was also felt when I was near Tristan. My hands are always cold when close to her and my heart is pounding.

I don't want to confuse him. I did that to answer my own confusion. And from there I can get the answer. I'm sure he's my Arkan from the feeling I felt when I touched him.

I just need time and effort to prove it. I'm not giving Tristan hope, but I'm actually putting hope in myself. More than Tristan wants me to. But it's not time I admit it because he's still Tristan Anggara. You just wait when you prove you're my Arkan. I'll even take you straight from Marsya without the need for you to ask me to call off your engagement.

In the past, my world could be said to be fine before meeting Tristan. Everything was under control even though I was still late in grief. But I'm not confused like this. I would rather be in sadness than confusion. I can't get my answer. And therefore my mind was distracted even tired of thinking of seeking answers from that confusion. I just want to be okay. I want to turn the clock around but it can't be. Being in a delusion only brings me to a quasi-bliss.

Gts ... Gts ... Gts ...

The sound of knocking on my bedroom door blew my daydream.

“Who?” yanyaku with a little yelling.

“Bi Ochi, Non.”

Apparently it was Bi Ochi who knocked on my room door. I got up from the bed and walked towards the door to meet Bi Ochi.

“What's Bi?” ask me after opening the room door.

“Non Qania already ate?”

“Oh, already Bi.”

“Ya .. whereas Bibi already masakin favorite food non Qania.”

I could see the grate of disappointment on Bi Ochi's face. Bi Ochi has never missed my meal time by cooking what I like the most. He said with me in this house he could see Arkana here. He was so happy when I came home. And that's what makes me even more unpleasant if I don't taste the cuisine he wholeheartedly makes.

“Yes it's okay dong Bi. I'm still hungry too, let's eat,” invite me who immediately holds the hand of Bu Ochi, the thing that Bi Ochi likes the most from me, no doubt holding the hand of the maid. Yes whatever the case, to me Bi Ochi is my family. There is no problem if you have to hold her hand.

Arriving at the dinner table, Bi Ochi immediately picked me rice and we ate together while talking about my daily life while there and Bi Ochi listened to him occasionally chiming in my words.

.... . . ....

Now I'm back in this room, alone lonely and sad. I did build my world with her memories, but still the sadness and loneliness enveloped me. Losing a man who colors my world every day is like losing my own. I feel like I'd like to die with him if I don't remember we had something special unexpected, Arqasa.

Arqasa is the source of my strength other than the memories of love from Arkana. His smile was my spirit, like embers burning wood to a blazing fire. If he wasn't, I might have lost my normal life by now. To be honest, living with the rest of her memories was extremely painful. To fantasize about someone who can no longer be in front of me is very painful.

There was nothing sweet than a shadow present, for he could not speak or even be touched. How can I remove all longing if hugged alone can not? But I formed my mind like that, imagining her face and smile would make me feel a calm, calmness that often even makes me short of breath for forcing myself to calm down. Showing everyone that I'm okay when I'm dying every time I force myself to smile by imagining it.

I actually want to get up and forget, ah not forgetting but taking my mind off those memories. I also want to live a normal life and be able to open myself up to others. But I was incapable, whether I was stubborn for always going ahead of my mind's will rather than my heart or the love of Arkana so great for me that I could not turn away.

“Arkana, why does your life and death still piss me off? Did you patent that, hem? There is and there is no you still I get annoyed just by thinking about you. I also need real calm, real calm, not this kind of pretense. This is not what I expected but I keep provoking myself to be like this. Why are you so deep in sticking your love arrow in my heart?” I shouted with my eyes closed restraining the anger in my chest. Fortunately, this room has been my voice so that even though I screamed crazily, no one heard it but me.

“I am completely stuck in your love arrow, my paralyzed heart cannot feel love other than your love. You're satisfied with all this, huh? After making me fall in love with you this deep and then just leave me? It's so good of you, Mr. Arkana Wijaya, that you easily make me fall in love and so easily destroy my love. I know you didn't cheat on me and wish for my love, but you left me! You left me in a pain. An agony that at any time will not be the tone of the medicine unless you rise up and live again for me.”

I don't know how many words of mockery, swearing, complaints and also moans I let out to calm my heart. I'm so fucked up when I'm on my own like this. No one knew that I often broke away from the crowd just to let out all my anger.

All this time I often visit lonely places just to channel my larvae. Shouting by the lake, crying on the quiet beach, sitting in the park by yourself while closing your eyes in search of tranquility. Quiet in the college library just to rest my heart and mind. I did all that behind everyone's back so they wouldn't have to know my screams. I hate when I see the look of pity and also the word ‘kasihan’ that people say to me. I hateit.

I stick to my old self, the tough and incompetent Qania Salsabila. Qania is able to fight all my sorrows and crimes against me without the need for anyone's help and will not listen to anyone's pity.

Sometimes I really want to visit a psychiatrist just to check on my psyche, but I say no because I don't think I'm crazy. I'm not mentally ill or I don't have acute depression. I can still control myself but I can't get rid of that love. There will surely be a sedative later. When do you depend on medication? It will be of no use, just a quasi-sobriety.

Tringg …

I glanced at my phone that rang a notification there was an incoming message.

I've reached Qania.

Have you slept?

Message from Tristan. “How long have I been in this mode to the point that Tristan has already reached his home and I am not aware of it?”

I was confused myself, turned out to be angry and let out the contents of the heart it could be up to hours like this. I wanted to return the message but I doubt it. I fear. What am I afraid of? Of course I was afraid of making it an outlet from my current anger.

Qania I missed you️

Reply dong, please ….😔😔

I want to laugh at the message. Just like my Arkan while whining at me.

I'm sure you haven't slept

I'm calling ya, gotta pick up!!😠😠

I laughed, completely similar to my imposing man. “Is this really you Ka? Please give me a hint,” hope I while staring at my phone screen that already displays incoming calls from Tristan.

“What's up?” I answered and I'm sure he's upset because I heard him snort. To be honest, it was my own entertainment. I've learned so much from Arkana that getting people upset is a lot of fun free entertainment.

Ih, what the fuck he said, so disgusting!

“Qania, did you hear me not?”

Tristan's voice sounded annoyed and I could only bite my lips so as not to laugh.

“Listen,” my answer was concisely solidly clear and I'm sure he must be holding back his annoyance again.

“I've arrived.”

“I know.”

I'm sure he must be cursing right now, very sure. I heard neither his voice nor his breath. It seems like he is indeed cursing by keeping his phone away.

“Tomorrow I'm fiancee.”

Again he said that sentence, not counting how many times he repeated it. I got tired of hearing it, and I was hurt too.

“I know.”

”I know, I know, I know. Can't find any other answers, I'm tired of hearing them. Really not creative.”

I could barely hold back my laughter anymore, I covered my face with a pillow afraid of being heard by her. I'm sure my face is now red. Ah, how can making her upset make me feel this happy. More happy than getting an A in the Concrete Structure course first.

“Now you pretend to be asleep or just think I'm a mosquito buzzing in your ear so you don't have a sound? Or are looking for other answers to be more creative, heh?”

“Hahahaha ..” Finally my laughter broke I could no longer bear to cover my face with a pillow, just let Tristan hear it.

“Now laugh, heh? Are you crazy because I'm getting engaged tomorrow or are you possessed by Qania?”

“Hahaha .. You are so silly Tristan,” my answer is not to stop laughing.

“Try saying you miss me.”

“Then?”

“Then I'll come right now to see you.”

“You're crazy!”

“Indeed. I have to be crazy to make you laugh loosely without burden.”

My heart is shaking and it feels warm. He was acting silly just to make me laugh.

“Thanks,” my word is short, do not want to be too afraid to make him stray.

“Huuhh, new also sounds friendly eh already back again mode ketus bin jutek bin cueknya.”

Let him complain, I am very comforted by his complaint.

“Qania Salsabila ..”

“Ya.”

“Tomped me ak—“

“A fiancee engagement only, no need to keep telling me. I'm tired of hearing it.” I cut him off because you're sure that's what he'll say again

“Ishhh .. but I love you.”

“Shut up and just accept your destiny like that. And also, please reduce your love words to me, I'm sick of hearing it.” But I didn't really say it even in my heart I didn't want it to happen.

“Let's just, until you pass out I won't stop saying it. I love you, I love you, I love you so much.”

Who does not melt if he gets a love speech like that. I admit that I was a little ah lulled by his words. I felt my heart pounding and my hands sweating coldly. Arkana, I feel that feeling for Tristan, Ka. Is it you, or is it you? Don't keep confusing me!

“Tristan, I'm sleepy. At my place it is late at night. Can I rest?” I asked politely, not wanting to judge because I didn't want him to get upset at the end of our conversation.

“Yes already, good night my beloved. Sweet dreams, I love you .”

Blushhh ….

I felt my cheeks warm up and I knew the color would be red. And I can only bite my lower lip, I want to scream and curse. I don't like it when Tristan makes me a baper.

“Iya,” I answered briefly then disconnected the phone then saved my phone on the right pillow, a place for Arkanaku.

I slowly closed my eyes as I continued to try to get into dreamland.

Tristan, if only you were Arkana. I still doubt if I don't have clear evidence of who was in the tomb. Wait for Tristan, wait for me to get all the facts then I will be able to determine the attitude. If you're Arkana then I'll take you home. But if you're not her then maybe you can change my heart. Encourage God to help you change my principles and feelings for you. I would like if that day comes I see you as Tristan Anggara not Arkana Wijaya even though you are so equal, inner Qania.

.... . . . . . ....

Thank you for reading 🤗🤗🤗

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