Be aground

The wounded heart

I don't have a good reason to refuse Brother Beni. A speck of love for her existed before I broke up with Arjun. Now, the man is willing to accept me even though this heart is not fully capable of letting Arjun off.

"Run, if you want to move on, yes there must be a replacement, if not, will walk in place," said Vienna when I told him about my conversation with Beni Brother earlier.

I just kept quiet, staring for a long time at my cousin who was applying skincare cream on his clear face.

"Kasian Brother Beni, Win." I sighed softly.

"Ah, erah. Beni aja nerima. Udah, about the feelings of affection will also grow alone, really. Brother Beni is a good person, I'm sure you will long fall in love with him," said Vienna.

"So, why can't you like Beni? Have you known him for a long time?"

"No shakes at all if it's the same him, ha-ha. The type of guy I dream of is like Dendi. If you are indeed models Beni Kak so his type. Besides, the type of girl that Beni likes is also like you, who doesn't make it, so clop, right?" Vienna chuckled, turning her body to face me. "Really, right?" an ignorant smile was imprinted on his pink lips.

"Sotoy, uh!" I threw the big fighting doll that I was holding. Vienna dodged, until the doll landed on the floor, looking at me with her round eyes as if asking what was the mistake that made her deserve to move to the floor.

I took a deep breath. Is it true that in this way my feelings can change?

***

"Run, I'm glad to see you're as cheerful as you used to be" said the mother one night, as we were about to go to sleep. Brown eyes Mom fixedly looked at me, gently rubbing my cheeks. A gentle smile adorned his lips.

"He-he, because the squirming Mother is also getting fresher," I replied with a smile expanded.

"What does this have to do with Beni?" mom's smile grew wider, full of search.

"Ha-ha, not really, Mom," I blushed.

"What's your relationship with Beni, how?"

"Yes, no matter what."

"You guys dating?" Mother went straight to the subject, because she saw my faking gelagat insensitive to her question.

"If you do not intend to have a serious relationship with Beni, you should keep your distance. You are no longer a child, who can just haphazardly walk here and there with men. You are both adults. I'm sure Beni wants to take you as you are now not just a friend, there must be a little bit of him there's a sense of you."

I was stunned to hear Mom's words. A mother's instincts cannot be lied to.

"If indeed you do not feel anything like Beni, you should keep your distance. Don't play with people's feelings." Mother's words were so on target.

"Actually Brother Beni did say like, anyway, Mom. It's just that I'm afraid to accept him because my feelings for Arjun are still hanging," I said slowly, staring at my mother's face waiting for the next reaction.

Mother shifted her sleeping position, silent for a long time.

"Mother does not want to pressure Runa for heart problems, only I want to tell you. If indeed you have no sense of anything against Beni, you should keep your distance. Pity people's children if you give them false hope." Slow mom said, but it felt so deep.

"Actually, I have a bit of a liking for Beni, Mom. Just not sure yet," I said honestly.

"If it is not fixed, do not force it. The affairs of the heart must not be coerced."

"But he said the feelings of affection will grow over time, Mom." I'm berkilah. Then I felt ashamed of myself for what had just come out of my words.

"Ha-ha, right too, anyway. I'm just reminding you, if you only intend to mess with Beni, you better not. I see, he's a good man. Pity if you consider it only as a free time filler," said mother.

"Don't be too often, not good also both-dua continue."

"Ha-ha, ready, Boss!"

"Yes, already. Sleep on." Mother's soft hands gently ruffled my hair.

Although my eyes have closed, but my mind drifted to Brother Beni. Although it is not overtly stated that I accept the man's feelings, but I never refused when Brother Beni picked me up every time I came home from the internship. The attention he gave me made me feel special. Little by little, I was able to forget my sadness.

***

The internship period was over, I had to return to Bandung, struggling with all the affairs towards the end of education, completing the thesis. As per the agreement with Arjun, I still survive not contacting him. Even with Arjun, he kept a promise not to contact me.

Three months I struggled with all the madness of the thesis. Hunting lecturers until they do not know the time. Resolve immediately if there are revisions suggested by the supervisor. My determination to graduate on time, made me ignore the others. Even the affairs of my feelings towards Brother Beni were forgotten just like that.

I don't know how many times the chat messages or calls Kak Beni ignored by me. But the message he sent today, as if forcing me to think.

[Runa, healthy right? How's scripti? It's been a long time that my message has not been answered. Can I still hope for your feelings or should I give up?]

I stared at my phone screen for a long time. Thinking what to write to reply to a message from him. Egoku said that I also did not want to let go of Brother Beni, I was already comfortable for three months with him.

So that there was no misunderstanding, I finally chose to reply to the message by calling.

"Hi, Run!" greet the heavy voice of the man across the connection. It was clear his voice was so excited.

"Hi Kak, sorry I was busy going back and forth about the revision and registration of the trial" I said in a guilty tone.

"Oh! I'm sorry I'm adding weight to your mind instead of loving support." There's a regretful tone I caught.

"Ha-ha, no. Uhm ... Kak .. is it really okay if I still don't feel too much about Kak Beni?" many doubt.

I honestly don't want to decide to get into a relationship in a hurry. It's just that the presence of Beni Brother is enough to distract my bad taste. The comfort he gave me made me unable to take it off. I was too greedy, to continue to have the comfort it gave me.

"Originally you do not feel compelled to just live it, I accept. I'm not in a relationship to mess around, Run. If indeed you would accept me, I will come to your mother and my family to propose."

Beni's last words made me shut up. Turns out he was that serious.

"I-I haven't thought of getting there. Not even graduated from college yet." Despite stammering, I was finally able to say it. "What if there's something Beni doesn't like about me, isn't it going to be complicated?"

"Surely in the future there will be mismatches or problems that we will encounter, but in the future there will be humans who really fit our criteria? With a blood family, there are still problems, especially for relationships like this. For such a problem, must pinter-pinter get around it."

I can't find any other reason. If his determination is already like that, I can be a little relieved. At least he will be able to respond rationally if there will be problems in our relationship. Can compensate for my nature which is still plain-plan.

"Alright, if indeed Brother Beni thinks so, I can calm down," I said after hearing the answer.

"So, can I take my parents to see me, your mother?"

"Eng ... If later after graduation what about, Brother? Let me focus on my graduation first."

"ah! Pardon me! I'm too excited, ha-ha!" His laughter broke, there was relief I felt from that laughter. "I should encourage you, even so add the burden of the mind, huh?"

It's my second experience to feel a pretty deep feeling towards men. This time, it doesn't feel as light as when it comes to liking Arjun. There is still a wedge I think, but I myself cannot reveal it. I hope, this wedge is just a beam of flavor that is still left for Arjun. Hopefully, over time, this feeling can be removed and give it full to the man who loves me whole.