Be aground

Reemerge

As I thought, Runa would never be invited to do something that broke the rules. Even though I think the rules don't make sense. I felt helpless, making Runa to choose me or family, of course I would lose.

My eyes are heating up. Not because I wanted to cry, but because of the pain of accepting this reality, it made my heart feel like it was slashed by thousands of shards. I was stifled when Runa expressed her objection to continuing our relationship. How could I possibly be able to just let go of it. These two days, I've been trying not to call, hoping I can let go of him with a chest of air. But it is the pain that I receive.

He was silent again, his eyes blank. Want me to hold his body, lean his head on my shoulder, ask that he just let go of all the burdens that lay in those eyes.

"Run ...." Back I choked, unable to hold the clear liquid that had been contained there, I guessed so that my view did not blur.

I saw Runa flinching. Didn't react to my call.

"Why go to the rest area?" Finally he turned to look at me when I turned the car to the toll booth.

"You buy coffee as a snack" I said briefly.

"Oh!" He went back silent.

"What do you want to buy?" ask me when the car has stopped perfectly in front of a minimarket in the rest area.

"What is it," he said, still in his place. Obviously he was not interested in going down and choosing his favorite snack.

Back in the car, I saw Runa still in position, leaning his head against the window of the car.

"Now, make Lo." I handed him one paper cup with his favorite hot chocolate.

Smiling weakly, he received the drink I offered. I slowly inhaled the coffee in my cup. Bittersweet, but my feelings are more bitter at the moment. I let out a rough breath. Hoping, a little burden that felt clogged my lungs could come out with my breath.

Parting with Runa was something I had never imagined. His words are still ringing in my ears. His statement made me feel like my life was being forcibly pulled from the body. Would I still be able to live after this, if my soul was no longer in the body.

"Is there no other option but to separate?" many weak. Trying to find a gap.

"Jun, before we both get hurt, we'll just end this relationship. Like I said earlier, it won't be easy, but later we'll get used to it, too" but I can barely hear her voice.

Then the tears, made me unable to look at his face for long. My tongue feels bad. He and I are both hurt. I don't know how deep she feels about me. But just seeing the tears fall, I know, that it's not easy for him to accept this fate.

Not wanting to make her more hurt, I expressed my intention to discuss further our relationship. Unable to see the wound still hung in his eyes.

I turned the car back on. Continue the journey back to Bandung. Sorry, that's how I feel. If only I had not offered to drive him yesterday, of course today I would have waited for his arrival with a feeling of longing in the city of Kembang. A thousand if it were no longer useful. Sometimes ignorance can save you from disaster. Now all the regrets are just vanity. Leave a wound with an emptiness that feels excruciating.

If only Runa was not currently facing problems with her mother's illness, maybe I would urge her to fight for a hunk of heart that was currently feeling dead.

This excruciating silence lasted until we reached Bandung. The trip, which only took three hours, felt so long, because there was nothing to break the silence between us.

"Thank you, Jun." Only that sentence was spoken by Runa when he arrived in front of his house.

"Yes," I said no less briefly, and just passed from there. Not waiting for him to be lost behind the door like I always do.

***

Mama seemed to be deep in thought, even my presence was not aware of it. I slowly closed the door. Mama still flinching there.

"Mom?" The sound of my greeting made him aghast. I saw the wound in his eye. "Mama why?" many approached. The raging feeling that I had felt from earlier was rumbling.

"What else is this, Lord," I whispered with alarm.

"Jun, when are you coming home?" tanyanya hurried to wipe her eyes.

"Five minutes ago, Mama why?" I took a sitting position opposite my mother, looking questioningly at a face that almost never implied that sorrow, in contrast to today. As if there were thick clouds hanging there, his shady gaze felt adorable.

"You were yesterday at Papa's?" Instead of answering my question, my mother asked.

"Yes ...."

"Why is there talking about something?" cut it with a sound.

"What's up, Mam?" I'm just impatient.

Mama took a deep breath. The tears wet his cheeks. Uh! I hate seeing tears. I saw two women I loved helplessly with their tears.

"Jun, forgive mama ...." Bite her lip, "Ah! Mama confused where to start ..." Mama's crying broke.

I got up, turned to my mom's side. Trying to ease his tears with a hug, as he used to calm my anxiety.

"What's up, Ma?" This time I felt something clog my throat, making my lungs unable to work to deliver oxygen to all my blood.

"Mama's both getting divorced.." My world felt shaken, as if it was sinking me to the bottom of the deepest earth. No wind, no rain, suddenly I heard my parents were getting a divorce.

"I'm ... I don't dream, right Mam ....?" that sentence finally escaped my lips. It turns out this is the reason why my mom's face lately looks moody.

Back mama sobbed, covering her face with both palms. Mama looks messy, her hair is usually neatly coiled if she is at home, disheveled. His usual eyes were always shining, dimming.

"What's the reason, Mama?" the question sentence I asked again, even though my previous question had not received an answer.

Mama wiped her eyes, her crying began to subside, although there was still a pause.

"There are other women that Papa loves, who are better than Mama," he said on the sidelines. "False mom, all this time Mama always maintain the ego, too confident papa will not turn to others...."

In a week, all my hopes, dreams, love and even my life seemed to be turned upside down in a moment. My brain is frozen, unable to digest all of this quickly. If in every divorce I know, the wife blames her husband, not her mother. It's obvious here, the fault is with papa, having another woman in his life, but I don't know why she blames him.

Big question in the head, "Why can it?" whereas all this time papa and mama always seem friendly, love each other, there is no sign papa will love other women besides mama. Even when yesterday I was in Jakarta, not a single papa mentioned their divorce matters, the man was still acting normally. There was nothing I smelled of his attitude.

My world feels completely turned upside down. Devastated. Runa which became the place where I lean no longer can I have, the parents where I live were also on the verge of separation.

Lord, what is my fault that I should be punished with this weight.