Be aground

Memories

Silently ambushed after we left Leona's boarding house. I sat in the front passenger seat as usual. The streets began to be quiet as hearts. Silent as uninhabited. Arjun's serious-looking face behind the wheel was dimly lit by street lights. It's beautiful, but I can't have it anymore.

Duhai destiny, why should our fate be toyed with like this? Why am I and Arjun left in love with each other, if in the end we can no longer be together.

"Sleepy yet?" Eventually Arjun's voice became a silent wall-breaker.

"Not yet." I looked at him. Fill my memories with the perfect figure of his face, for later I will remember as someone who once inhabited the greatest space in the heart.

"Jun, you're the same as Leona." The words I spoke almost sounded like the wind.

Arjun turned to me, "Lo said what?"

"Lo is the same as Leona." I repeated the sentence again, this time with a sliced feeling. Say I'm a hypocrite. Even if my lips say so, my heart will not be able to accept it.

"Lo why else, anyway?" As usual, his palm was on my forehead. Flowing out the taste that I had yesterday locked tightly in there.

"Gue thinks. How can we separate well if we are still often together like this. Are not the feelings that exist now also present because we are often together," I said as if unsure of what I said.

"We just follow the plot, Run. The more we force it to stop, the more we will feel tormented" he said without looking at me.

"How do you mean?"

"We are like being drowned by a storm, if we keep trying to fight the blow, our energy will run out. Better, we just let ourselves be dragged down by the current, long ago the current will subside. Then we can think of the next step." He turned his head for a moment to look at my reaction, then turned back to the quiet streets.

"Yes .. That's if you don't die of terror." I laughed bitterly. "Since when did you become so wise, anyway?" This time I turned my body to face Arjun.

"As soon as I realized, there was no point in me revolting either. Fooled me. Maybe it's time I accepted." His voice sounded hoarse. Then a thin layer of clear look hangs in the corner of his eye.

I can no longer hold back my crying. Instantly I smothered my mouth, bowed in silence. Biting the lips firmly so that no stuffing is released. I don't know how long this feeling will last. Hope tomorrow when we really let go of each other, there will be no more pain.

"Now, let's just take the road like this, Run. Maybe this KKN period can train me to let go, Lo." His voice sounded soft.

"I was thinking, if you squirm Lo with other girls, I can take off Lo willingly, Jun," said I interrupted sobbing.

"Unfortunately changing someone in the heart is not as easy as changing clothes, Run," he said weakly accompanied by a thin smile.

I took a breath that felt heavy. Trying to figure out what I'm going to face next after parting ways with Arjun.

"But Leona's good, Jun. I'm sure he can take the pain away, Lo."

"Why do you keep talking about Leona, anyway?" His tone sounded angry.

"Feeling me, she likes Lo, deh." I ignored his anger and the biting taste in my heart.

"God, you sensitive kayak, Lo! I've loved Lo for years, but Lo doesn't feel sensitive. Now it's a little bit like people's feelings," she teased, a slanted smile imprinted on her thin lips.

"If I had a guy first, you'd hate me not, Jun?" Suddenly it crossed my mind, to replace Arjun with Kak Beni. If by hating me he could forget his feelings for me, I would do it. So that the existing taste no longer grows. So that he can truly let me go.

"There's a replacement for me, right?" I could feel, there was a wound in his tone. But I didn't ignore.

"Uhm, actually I'm not too sure, anyway," I said hesitantly. Wondering whether to tell him about the admiration that had infiltrated Kak Beni the other day.

I undo the intention to tell you about Brother Beni. Why hurt each other if they can no longer be together. Separating well can still be done. Right said Arjun, I'd better follow where the flow of life will bring. There is no point in fighting back, because not everything we want will be able to achieve. There are times when we have to give up, accept loss with resignation.

What an exhausting day. Not only was my physique tired from traveling back and forth to Garut, but also my heart that was trying to hold on to being strong, also felt more tired.

Just now I was about to break down, about to unwind, my phone rang.

"Hello, Juni. Why?"

"Tomorrow run yuk! We haven't run away in a long time."

"But I'm not running away from reality, am I Jun?" I tried to jokingly dissolve the sadness that had been silenced.

"If you want, let's run away from reality. Ha-ha." The roar of his laughter is like a rain speck that falls in the dry season, soothing and stifling.

I know that laughter does not come from the heart. Arjun simply forced himself not to get too late in the grief. Trying to entertain each other. I hope all these nightmares end soon.

"Ha-ha, start it. Yes, tomorrow what time?" It doesn't seem like a bad idea either.

"At half-hour I picked it up."

"OK."

"Bye, Run. I'll see you tomorrow."

***

As promised, Arjun arrived on time. This morning she wore a white hoody t-shirt combined with navy-colored running pants from polyester.

"We're riding the angkot, will we?" ask me when I want to lock the gate.

Arjun seemed hesitant to answer.

"Calculate the exercises for Lo," I persuaded.

Last night it occurred to me to use the rest of the time, before actually parting ways, to train Arjun to face his phobia. Planning to take her to a crowded place more often, so that later when I am no longer with her, she can overcome her fears without anyone's help.

"Uhm .. may, deh."

"Then, Lo parking the car in the garage, let's not make the road." I reopened the gate I was going to lock.

I've calculated, this first public transportation event will not be too torturous for Arjun. Sunday mornings, usually empty of passengers, unlike ordinary days. As I thought, the angkot we were riding this morning was quiet, there were only the two of us. Arjun's face looked relieved. Even until we stopped at the destination, the angkot was still quiet.

"It's not as bad as you think, is it?"

"Yes, because the angkot feels like a private car, we only doang." He smiled casually.

Sabuga Square is still covered in fog, the sunlight that has begun to rise does not disturb the cold from a place that is located lower than the main road.

It was only ten minutes for me to circle the athletic track on the field. I pull over and catch my breath, cool down on the sidelines. While Arjun still continues to run around the field. Obviously, he enjoyed every step that took him running. Sweat had flooded his almost invisible face as it was covered in hoody.

Seeing Arjun run away, made this heart feel more lonely. Maybe someday I really can't see it back. One day, that back will disappear from my gaze and I will never have it again.