Be aground

Second Prize

By the time I got home, papa's car was parked in the yard. Hate seeds that had sown as if sprouting. Why else would the man who had inflicted wounds on the angel without my wings come back.

"Assalamualaik." I said my greetings as I opened the side door leading to the kitchen. My feelings were not good, wondering what I would meet behind the door.

Two figures of faces looked at me when the door had opened perfectly. Mom and Dad were at the dinner table, sitting face to face. The tears are still hanging on your swollen eyelids. So heartbreaking.

I just glanced at them, then headed up the stairs speechlessly. I don't want to talk to papa.

"June! Can you sit here for a minute?" Papa's firm voice broke the silence.

"Sorry, Pa. .. I want to go to the bathroom first," I said, forced to turn around to see them. No matter how much I hate papa, his sweat once poured out to give me a living. His blood is still flowing in my body. I can't hate him with all my soul.

Papa just nodded. Half-running, I jumped two steps at once. My eyes warmed up again, but with all my might. I've shown my weak side when I'm with Runa, and I don't want my parents to see how fragile their boys' souls are.

As soon as I entered the room, I went straight to the bathroom. Washing my face so that all the restlessness I had brought home was a little reduced. I tried to practice breathing, so that the tightness that felt clogged my lungs slightly disappeared.

After being sure to be ready to face whatever will happen below, I went down. I heard my father's cold voice talking to my mother, "Why don't you just be honest with her?"

"I'm not ready to lose it all." I heard my mother saying with a slow stuffing. "I ...." My mother's words hung in the air when she saw me coming down.

"Jun, sit down." Mama wiped away the tears, forced to smile.

I chose to sit next to my mother, to express my partisanship. Face to face with papa whose face looks riled up.

"Jun, I'm sorry if the other day you were in Jakarta, Papa didn't tell you about the problem with mom." Papa stopped talking, looking at me for a long time. Either waiting for a reaction from me, or was choosing the sentence he was going to say.

"It's hard for us to go down this road, it's been a dozen years that we've been trying to stay together, but we still can't find the best way. We agreed we'd tell you why we split up, later when your mama's been able to treat her pain." Firm and painful. That's what I heard from papa's voice. Mama still looked down. Seemed resigned to what he would face.

Meanwhile, I was still silent, trying to find the strength to be able to survive without interrupting.

"Then, after this mom asked you to stay with her. We also have no right to determine who you will live with. Because according to the law, you can make your own choices." Back papa stopped talking.

"Jun, Mama just wishes you still wanted to stay in this house. Mama promised, later after all this passed, Mama will tell us all the reasons we separated. Every detail. For now, mama really wants time," said Mama sounding soft.

"Yes, Mama. I'm not leaving Mama" I said softly.

There's not much I can say. Although the mystery of the problems they face has not been revealed, but I try to suppress thousands of questions that are currently urgent. Seeing my mother like this, I can no longer ask why.

"If there's nothing to talk about anymore, I'm going to go to the room" I resigned. I could no longer breathe the air that was getting stifling.

"Yes, you take a break." Mama said shiver.

I immediately threw my body into the bed. Stare blankly at the ceiling. The shadow of Runa's face was real there. With a smile full of warmth like the light of the sun in the morning. However, that smile lately has been increasingly rarely seen. Even the twinkle of his eyes that were always full of vigor now seemed to dim.

Suddenly came up with an idea to take her for a morning run. Although Runa asked me to reduce the time together, but I can't yet. At least until graduation day.

I thought she would reject my invitation, but she agreed. He even sounds like he's trying to joke.

"But I'm not running away from reality, am I Jun?" the deck's at the end of there.

"If only Lo would be invited to run away from this bitter reality, I would be hostile to the whole world, Run." I said only able to hold in my heart.

After ending the conversation on the phone, I was still unable to close my eyes. My eyes glared back to the ceiling of the room, the faces of my mother and Runa were again alternately drawn there. Re-questioning the nature of love. Is it true that love makes a person strong. If you look at what I've been through lately, love makes me weak, even women as strong as mama and Runa give up.

Throughout my memories with Runa, I never once saw her cry. Even when his father died, he was still able to hide his sadness. But lately, his tears seem cheap, too easy he let go.

***

Finally last night I was able to fall asleep after being helped by an antidepressant. Lately I've been taking medications prescribed by psychiatrists. This time not because of a phobia, but rather my anxiety began to increase.

So much I worry about. About my life without Runa, my mother's life without papa, and about the dreams I've built up in such a way. The future that some time ago has been depicted suddenly blurred.

Unlike usual, this morning no mom cooked breakfast in the kitchen. The house was once again deserted as if it had lost its soul. I saw a small note with the words mama taped to the refrigerator door.

**Jun, Mama needs a break first, for breakfast you have mama prepared in the refrigerator, stay on Twitter, yes.

Xoxo**

I saw the contents of the rubber-covered ramekin that mom put in the refrigerator. There's my favorite beef lasagna, but my appetite's gone. I just picked up an apple and a banana on the table. Then go out of the house. I saw papa's car was no longer a yard.

"Sir, what time do you leave?" I asked when Pak Karsa was about to open the gate, there was a curiosity tucked in his heart.

"Eleven o'clock it seems, Den," he said as if remembering.

"Oh, thank you, sir." I don't keep asking anymore.

***

This morning Runa invited me to take an angkot ride, it seems like she is really preparing for this farewell. The way he treated me made me feel so fragile. Maybe I'm not the right guy for him. A woman as strong as her, could not possibly be destined for a weak man like me. Maybe God actually brought him into my life not for me to have, but just to be His mediator to teach me to be a strong man. A weak man like me will only make him weak.