Be aground

The feeling comes

If liking silently is better than facing awkwardness after expressing feelings, then I prefer to just harbor this feeling. Maybe for some people my attitude is not manly. However, my mouth was never able to express feelings if it remembered that Runa would stay away because she was uncomfortable with my statement.

From the very beginning of knowing him, that feeling never changed. It's the same, even bigger. If I didn't dare to say it, because I know myself well enough with my cute and still whiny appearance. But now my courage does not exist.

"Lo's hand why dry, Jun? Just relax," make the girl pull my hand, when nervous the first time she took part in taekwondo.

"Gue is afraid of the crowd, Run," I said getting more nervous while raising the increasingly sagging glasses.

I have Agoraphobia, I am most afraid of crowds. The overlapping sounds around me made my heart beat faster, causing a great deal of distress. This phobia began to appear after many times being a victim of bully when in elementary school. To me, their boisterous sounds of rejoicing seeing me tormented were almost similar to the boisterous sounds of the crowd.

"Yaudah, Lo slowly calm down first, do not make it." Runa's soft voice was so soothing. No humbling tone could be heard from his lips.

The first day of taekwondo practice, I just watched from the sidelines, trying to do breathing exercises like my psychologist taught me when panic attacks started to whack. Sometimes Runa approached to make sure that I was okay.

"Lo's sure you're going to continue training, Jun?" ask him on the way home.

"Bec-yes ... I can't give it up," I said.

Sweet face beside me. His smile was back.

"But don't beat yourself up too."

"Say my psychologist, that fear I have to face, you can avoid."

"Oi ... So, you still like therapy?"

"Still, it's only now that his schedule's been around as often as a year ago."

"Try me before I knew sooner if he was a bully victim, surely now can know Ama Lo, Jun." Runa's usual always bright face turned moody, like clouds covering the sunlight.

"Where's Emang adek Lo now?"

Runa took a slightly heavy breath, releasing it slowly. A clear membrane floated on his clear eyelids.

"He chose to end his life because he could not bear to be a victim of bully. Nyokap had stress due to regret, all this time he did not pay attention to changes in my attitude adek. I am also until now still unable to forgive myself, why I used to not pay attention to the same adek me."

"Gue's very sorry, Run. Sorry if you're sad, Lo."

"Ah, nothing. Sorry even so confided," kekehannya with a smile that again adorned her tiny lips, showing off a pair of dimples.

From that story I just realized, my presence turned out to remind Runa of her sister. He did not want anyone to have the same fate as his Anton—adiknya. Almost the same as mama, Runa is also a little protective. Sometimes there is shame, when Runa is always worried about me. How not, usually the guy who protects the girl, if in my case, even the opposite.

***

I don't want to ruin the friendship with Arjun that's been going on for years just because of feelings. Was I too selfish if Arjun was with me almost all the time, but I still wish for more relationship.

It is true that people say, there is rarely an opposite-sex friendship that will not involve the heart. In the end will grow a stronger sense of friendship itself than one of them. However, not a few eventually the friendship relationship was even foundered because of the comfortable feeling they had felt during the time of being friends, friends, it just goes away because of the demanding feelings of one partner after they have been in a serious relationship. I don't want that to happen. It's better this way, secretly enjoying the feeling of comfort when with him. I can't be greedy. Wasn't the purpose of establishing the relationship in order to get comfort, let alone what I was looking for.

After a few days of avoiding Arjun, I finally decided to go back with the crowd-phobic prince. There was something lacking in my life when a few days kept avoiding him. Maybe like an ice tinder that is less in milk, less legit.

"Run, Lo why are these few days so bad." Arjun's voice rippled my daydream, dragging me back into the SUV he was driving.

"Lo's habit if PMS is eating, now even doyan diem," he continued his sentence.

"Jun, what's the boss of every day with me?" I answered Arjun's question with a question.

"Lo doesn't hurt anymore, does she, Run?" he asked back by sticking the back of his hand on my forehead.

"Apaan, anyway ... I'm serious," my murmur pulled his sturdy palm from my forehead. It used to be so small when I held it, now even my palms that look tiny in their grasp.

"There is me who it is, all this time I always follow Lo. Is it okay that Lo is bored with me?" look around, turn around for a while, then refocus on the streets.

"That's why, maybe I'm bossy, I'm often treated," I often try to brush off all the uncomfortable feelings that a few days away.

"Yee ... Just say ask in the treat again," the lead with a joke grin, showing off a series of neat teeth that are no longer attached to the wire like five years ago.

"Ke Zoe yuk," asked me.

That place is our favorite comic book rental. Although at home, Arjun's comic collection is almost as much as a comic rental place, but there is a special attraction to hang out there.

Especially Arjun who has been suffering from Agoraphobia, he is not very fond of the crowd, in that place even though it is not too quiet, he said, but the existence of reading books makes Arjun can slightly eliminate his panic in the crowd.

Zoe wasn't that crowded when we got there. The place was no longer as crowded as when we were still wearing white-blue uniforms. Maybe because teenagers now prefer to play games on their devices rather than linger to read books, so this place is not so much in demand by teenagers as in our past.

"You want to eat first?" asked Arjun when I just got out of the car.

"That ah, I want to find a book," I refused. Actually, I'm still trying to avoid being too close to Arjun.

However I try to neutralize feelings, this heart still does not want to be persuaded to make a little peace when it is near him. I don't know how long I'm gonna stick with loving it secretly like this.