Wingless Butterfly

CHAPTER 92 SUICIDE

After Farrell's mother left, I again ranted about her words regarding this decision I took. For now I have no ambitions to go to college, I don't want to.

Then I accidentally saw my award charter on the table. For a moment I remembered how great my sacrifice and struggle to get it was. My little heart seemed to be thrashing to gather the remaining strength to continue to college.

I stared at the award charter blankly. I have no purpose in life at the moment.

" What should I do ???. Why is it so hard the test of life that I have to live. How painful and devastated I am to lose you Farrell. I've gotten used to living with you, now without you I'm like an undead that means nothing !!!! "

I don't know where the demon from possessed me, I suddenly took the liquid mosquito repellent that was in my room. I feel like my life is completely ruined and my future is bleak without Farrell by my side.

" I'm sorry Mom, I had to do this. I can't live continuously like this. I am really depressed about this difficult and cruel life. I love Farrell so much, and I wish I could catch up and meet Farrell there, "My Deaf.

I sobbed and without thinking I immediately drank the poison. In the end, I felt my throat really hurt and my breathing faltered. The truth that was on my mind at the time was that my business in this world was done and I was able to catch up with Farrell as soon as possible.

Until in the end I was unconscious with a frothy mouth and lying dead. I wish God would grant my prayer that death would come to me.

However, it turns out that God did not grant my wish to end my life. I don't know how the story started because I was already in the hospital and God gave me a chance to stay alive. I don't know what secret he's planning for me.

To be sure in this ER room is proof that God's hand has saved me through the doctor who examined me and tried as much as possible to remove the poison from my stomach. I vomited many times and eventually I was able to get through my critical period.

When I started to open my eyes, the first thing I saw was my mother, who was constantly crying while holding my hand. He was so happy that I was able to come to my senses from death that almost took my life.

" You have realized, Son, thank God, "Said my mother to give thanks.

" Rissa why is Mom ??? " I answered weakly.

" It's okay, baby, but why would you do that. Do you not love your mother anymore, son ??? "

I tried to digest my mother's words and I just remembered what had happened. I shed tears because I was still given a chance to live. My Upayaku to commit Suicide failed !!!!. Maybe God still loves me, he doesn't want my life to end like that. I don't know if I should be grateful that I'm still alive or should be sad that the attempt to end my life failed.

" Why doesn't God just take my life away Mom, I don't want to live anymore Mom, "I'm crying and thrashing.

" Patience Nak, dear Istighfar. You can't be like this, you have to be in control of yourself, son, "Mom's trying to get me to control myself.

" But Rissa doesn't want a life like this, Mom, "I answered while crying.

" What kind of life do you want huh ??????!!!!!! " Someone yelled at me from the direction of the Hospital room door.

" Come answer Aunt Riss, what kind of life do you want ???? " Farrell's mother repeated her question.

My mouth was tightly shut and trembling because the first time I saw Mama Farrell was this angry with me. I could only shed my eyes for not being able to speak anymore.

" Aunty thinks you're a smart kid and smart enough as Farrell once told Auntie. But today Auntie doesn't see that in you. How stupid of you, to have wasted your life by killing yourself like this. What do you expect by doing this ??? Death ????. Then with you dead what is your business in this world must also end ???? No !!!!!!! "

" but... Aunties... "

" Think that after you die, you have left your mother in this situation. Didn't you promise to raise your family to be better and worthy, right ???. Not only that, what with you dead Farrell would be happy ???? No !!!!. Farrell will be very sad because you did not fulfill your promise to continue to live and become a successful person. "

Her mother Farrell's words were like a slap so great and terrible that awakened me. I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I could not accept the reality.

" I'm sorry Rissa Aunty, Rissa still feels a very deep sadness because of Farrell's death. Rissa was still unaccustomed to Farrell's presence on Rissa's side. Rissa really missed Farrell Aunt, "I shed my tears.

Farrell's mother hugged me, she also shed her tears. Finally, we are both dissolved in our own grief.

" Had Rissa known deep down Auntie's heart, Auntie was also devastated to lose Farrell. An aunt who conceived and gave birth to him and took care of him until we were finally separated by death. Rissa can imagine how broken Auntie was as a mother ??? "

" Yes Aunty, Rissa understands. "

" Rissa must know that Rissa is not alone, we are both hurt by losing someone we truly love forever. But we still have time to realize our abandoned dreams. "

" Yes Aunt, "I answered while wiping my tears.

" Rissa, you're young, baby. Don't waste your life like this. Suicide will not solve the problem, instead you will regret it. You're a smart baby, Auntie is sure you'll be a successful person someday. "

" Yes Aunt, thank you Aunt. "

" Rissa will try once again to realize Rissa's dreams and ideals for college ???. While the registration has not been closed, dear, it is up to you to go to college wherever you dream so far, dear. "

" Can Rissa get through this all Auntie ??? "

" Bismillah can, baby, you can. "