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Lean on, I'm Home to You

Renzana Alcatraz

If there's the scariest thing in the world, then seeing the sadness on Kanya's face scares me. Especially when you hear the news if the condition of Aunt Sukma is decreasing and action must be taken immediately. The woman seemed to suffer so much. His face was back cloudy. It rained like it never came down from the well of my woman's eyes.

The dawn was not yet over when Kanya and I were accompanied by Damar down the hospital corridor to the operating room. I felt like I had just shed my body and closed my eyes in an instant. However, a knock on the door hurriedly brought back my almost lost consciousness. Kanya's pale face told me more than anything without her needing to say a word.

Our steps are long and hasty. Especially Kanya. He first ran with an unbearable state of chaos. While Damar trying to keep his friend's footsteps. We arrived, just as the nurse pushed Aunt Sukma's gurney into the room that would be where the woman risked her life and death. He was suddenly unable to hold back tears. She was crying without a sound. And, I know that it hurts more than all the crying forms on earth.

I held him in my arms. Provides a sense of comfort that may be able to brush off the pain that he is suffering. I just don't want Kanya getting hurt. I don't want my woman to feel any more pain with what she's feeling right now. While the man who had a firm line of cheekbones resembled the Son, looked at us with a disappointed look. Especially Kanya. I can guess if that man must be Eka – Son's biological father.

For a moment I greeted him with a nod of my head. My position has not made it possible to greet him directly. Kanya is still crying in my arms. Keeping that woman strong is the most important thing right now. Also, I don't want to get too involved in their family business if Kanya doesn't ask for it. I don't want to be considered presumptuous.

“You can cry out loud if you need to. Nothing, no one will see you crying as long as you are in my arms,” I said whispering in Kanya's ear. The woman complies. He no longer held back the water that fell from the well of his eyes. He sobbed in my arms.

“Remember one thing, this chest will always be where you lean. When sad, difficult, tired, even when happy. You can lean on me. Share all annoying flavors.”

“Kanya scared, Mas. Kanya scared.”

I stroked Kanya's hair and kissed the woman's head. I know what it's like. I know how that fear came to me. For myself and for the loss of others. Even today, there are still regrets that secretly often disturb my calm. Especially if it's not Adhyaksa's thing. Her loss was the most painful regret I have ever felt. Really, I don't want Kanya to feel the same way.

“I know, that feeling is impossible for you to ignore. Fear is natural, Kanya.”

“What if Mama ... how if .. .”

Kanya could not continue her sentence and I could only hug her. Giving her strength through hugs was only the only way I could do it right now.

“Pray, plead that Aunt Sukma can get through these critical times. Is not the heartfelt prayer of a child for his parents always heard by God? He who is the All-Everything, will not ignore the plea of his servant. Pray that everything will be fine, Kanya. Everything will be fine.”

I am not a devout people either. Sometimes I also like to leave my five-time obligation. But I never doubted the abundant power of God's prayer and compassion. I know that the All-Hearing One will not let his servant bear a test beyond their means. I'm sure Kanya can get through this and will be fine.

“Mas, what if Mama, really will not wake up again? I have sinned with Mama. I hurt Mama's heart. I ....”

“Ssttt ... Stop, Kanya. Don't let bad thoughts take hold of you. If you let the bad thoughts rule you, it will make you weaker. You must be strong. You must be strong for your mother's recovery. Believe me everything will be fine. Okay.”

Actually, I was hesitant when I said to Kanya that everything would be fine. I also do not know how the condition of Aunt Sukma, other than the woman fell from the stairs and had to do surgery to save one of them – even though it does not rule out the possibility of both of them being saved. I'm not a psychic who can read the future. Again, I only believe in the power of prayer.

***

Waiting, being the most annoying thing for everyone. There is never really a human being who can sincerely wait for something. Especially if it's uncertainty. Kanya too. The woman was restless in her waiting to receive news of her mother.

The door to the operating room was still closed even though we had been waiting for hours. Even some of the patients who entered the operating room were pushed out. But there is still no news about Aunt Sukma. The door of the room did not seem to open for us who were restless waiting.

More Om Eka. The man looked disheveled. Face's tired. I know, besides Kanya, that man is the most worried about Aunt Sukma's situation. Only, his figure as a man forced him to be tough, even though I knew he was trying desperately to hold back tears so as not to cry.

Damar occasionally invited him to chat just for the sake of expelling the restless floating in the eyes of the man. His rampage softened. No longer as stiff as when we arrived. I also understand, the man must have his own thoughts.

“Mas, I'm really scared.”

Kanya's voice broke the silence. The woman was still leaning in my arms. Her cry no longer broke, but the uneasiness did not disappear from the look in her eyes either. Like the man who sits not far from us.

“Already, His. Calm yourself. Lean back. I will be the home you will always go to under whatever circumstances. Calm yourself, Honey.”

“I really can't imagine what it would be like if Mama ..”

“Kanya, I know this will only make you hope in the uncertain, but as long as that hope is still there, no problem ‘kan? Don't stop hoping that everything will be okay. Okay?”

Kanya nodded. He tightened his embrace. I still keep brushing her hair.

“Makasih Mas, if there is no Mas Araz, I do not know how it will be through this all. Thank you for being home to all my fret, Mas.”

Kanya was still sobbing, but her voice was getting softer. His breath was no longer stingy. I know, the woman tried to toughen up as she always does to hide her air.

“Family, Mother Sukma.”

Finally the call sounded. Even if it is not certain what news we will receive, at least our wait for hours got an answer.

Kanya's body was trembling. I led him to follow in the footsteps of Om Eka who was no less hasty.

“Trust me, all will be well,” I said give strength to Kanya. The woman smiled. The first smile I've seen since we walked down the hospital corridor this morning.