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Waiting

Renjana Kanya's

If there is the scariest thing in the world to lose is one of them. I've felt it many times and don't want to feel it again. The scariest loss is knowing the fact that I have to live without Dad. I've told you also ‘kan, if I'm more familiar with Dad than Mama. At that moment, my world stopped rotating. I lost my footing. I lost the figure that was always there whenever I needed to. There is no most painful heartbreak except the loss of a father figure to his daughter.

And now, after the loss I had felt over and over again, I had to face my most annoying fear once again. Moreover, there is something more annoying than facing the fear of loss. Waiting.

Time seems to never be on my side. He was no longer in a hurry as usual and was just getting slower. Makes waiting the most annoying job I feel at the same time with the fear of loss.

My cheeks feel warm. Tears cannot be contained anymore. Regret silently crept in my heart. After dawn, I was awakened by a phone ring from Om Eka. He said, Mama's condition is getting worse and must be taken surgery immediately. In a hurry, I headed for the hospital. Just when Mama was pushed into a room that has not been open until now.

Fear was getting stronger in my heart. It's been almost three hours waiting and there are no signs of surgery done Mama soon after. An uncertainty that is making things worse.

I noticed in the corner of the room, Om Eka's face looked so haggard. The disappointed look did not disappear when I saw him coming. Yes, who is not disappointed, if the only person who is considered able to change Mama's decision, it breaks her expectations. Now, the man's face looked even more frustrated. Om Eka really loves Mama. The son said, if it must be one that is pinned, Om Eka prefers Mama rather than her own flesh and blood which of course is now the form of a tiny baby in the stomach of Mama.

I cried without a sound. How selfish of me to let that woman endure so deeply. How selfish of me to let a tiny baby without sin, must also feel revenge for things that are not his fault. All this time, I considered myself the most hurt. These people feel the same wounds.

If only I had come sooner. If only I had gone straight to the hospital when I arrived. There may be a little homesickness that is treated, even if only by looking at the face of the mother. There may also be a little regret being conveyed or an apology being spoken. But in fact, I prefer to fall into my own wounds, without seeing the reality that actually happened.

It seems like all of those assumptions will be free, right? I hardened my heart not to meet him immediately. I refused Om Eka's request when he asked to go straight to the hospital. I also decided when to meet the woman, with the mind of God will definitely give me a longer chance to meet Mama. So who am I to dare to imagine what God should do that is more entitled to His creation?

The warm touch on my shoulder slashed the commotion in my head. Araz tried to give me strength by taking me in his arms. Again, the man's chest became the place where I shed all the coagulating feelings.

“Trust me everything will be fine, Kanya. Trust me everything will be fine.”

My crying can no longer be held back. I sobbed in Araz's arms. No matter what other people look strangely at me. I just want all the turbulent taste in my chest to be conveyed through tears.

“Then how is my wife, Sus?”

“Doctor is handling your wife at the moment. They're trying to save the wife, Father. Come with me to the baby room, sir. You need to punish the child, Father. But your child needs to be incubated because he was born prematurely. His condition will continue to be monitored by the doctor. ”

Without refuting the nurse, we were taken to the nursery. Only Om Eka is allowed in. From behind the glass of the room, I saw the nurse showing a tiny baby boy who was so adorable in the incubator. It was like seeing the Son and myself in a smaller form. The baby is really the embodiment of Om Eka and Mama with a composition that is so fitting.

I unconsciously smiled and shed tears together. I am thankful that the little sinless baby was saved. Although I still do not know for sure, whether the woman who contains it has not even nine months, can be saved or not.

Om Eka assisted the nurse who called us, performing rituals that should not be missed. The man with his eyes held back the cry, whispering the azan in the baby's right ear. He was obviously trying to look strong. Until Om Eka was completely unable to do so and defeated by his own tears. Even so, he still completed his obligation to welcome the newly born baby.

"I'm so mean, Mas, I have bad intentions for a baby who doesn't even have anything wrong" I whispered to Araz who stood on his shoulder.

Remember again the evil thoughts that had passed when hearing the news of Mama entering the hospital. At that time I felt anger mixed with disappointment at the decision of Mama who wanted to save her baby rather than her own life and did not think about my feelings that are also her child. When I saw that little sinless baby, I fully understood my reason. As a mother, she may be willing to lose a child who has shared her breath as well as a life for weeks.

And so it is with me. Children who have shared their lives for nine months. Nearly 23 years of living together. Did Mama really expect me to leave her life? Did Mama really expect me to never show up in front of her? In reality the woman often sends messages that end up piling up in my chat room with her.

"No bad person recognizes that he is evil. You're not that kind of person, Kanya. I know, there's something else you're feeling, so you're thinking of antagonizing your sister or maybe even Aunt Sukma."

I didn't respond to Araz's statement. The man did not talk much either. We just kept staring at the tiny figure who was fast asleep in the incubator box with medical devices attached to his body.

"He looks just like you, but he also looks like the Son. Well then, she really deserves to be your sister. May the woman who gave birth to her also be blessed as the little angel, Kanya. I want to see you off the burdensome burden of your steps." Araz whispered as he continued to embrace my shoulder. The man's words made me realize that there was still an unfinished wait.