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If it's Not You

Renjana Kanya's

My heart is still beating irregularly. Aldo's kiss scars still feel warm on my lips. Even the sweet taste like strawberries mixed with vanilla is still felt. Exactly the same kiss that Arez had given him the night before he disappeared. It made me unable to get angry at the man who had kissed me without permission, for it had presented a sensation of the past.

It would be a lie if Arez's presence never shook my feelings for the Son. What's more the distance makes us often disagree until finally quarreling. Arez is the only place to share tired to disturbing fret. He is the place I lean on. He became my escape when all the troubles and annoyances about the Son piled up into one. Until he couldn't hold back his feelings and kissed me the same night he had a fight with the Son.

Ah, the sweet mistake that made me even more guilty when Arez decided to leave.

And now, after Arez disappeared for almost four years, appeared another male figure who had the look of an eye to the impression of the same kiss. Even though their faces and age were very far away. Even if I can be honest, there are some attitudes of Aldo that remember me to Arez. How do two different people have the exact same habits and traits? For example, how to look at me with shady eyes, her gesture that scratches behind the ear when nervous, to other habits that I secretly pay attention to for five days.

Wait, didn't he mention that Aldo's name was just a nickname. Name's Araz. Alcatraz. Even their names are almost the same. There are only one vowel letter a and e.

Finding the oddity, I decided to go out of the room and look for the figure of Damar. I have something to make sure. If I assume that Araz and Arez have something in common, Damar can feel the same way.

The man was sitting casually with Almira by the side of the house when I found him. Still as before, annoyance was clearly imprinted on his face. He even decided to avoid it if I didn't stop him.

"Gue knows you're also nervous, right? If he looks the same... "

"If they have any semblance of what do you want?" ask Damar. His tone sounded restraining anger. While Almira who sat beside him tried to calm down by holding Damar's hand.

"Guein..."

Sentences interrupted. What do I expect if Damar also feels that Araz has something in common with Arez?

The flash of the event came to the surface again. Overlapping with other memories.

"Hide on now! Arez got out of the house because of that selfish guy."

Damar's impact kept me glued to our rented living room. I tried to digest what Damar meant until Almira stretched out a piece of paper. I recognized the neat handwriting given by the woman.

The contents of the letter were not long, but it was enough to get me slapped. No, the writing was even able to relax my leg muscles until it fell on the floor. I couldn't hold back the tears that started falling slowly. I just got up and ran out of the house. The shadow of Arez I have not seen. Even I chased him to the entrance of the village, but Arez's figure had completely disappeared. He really left without saying goodbye.

With trembling hands I read the message he wrote. My eyes blurred. The crying was getting wet my cheeks.

Sori, man, I left without saying goodbye. Because it will be more difficult if you have to talk first with you.

Thanks for the time you spent with me during my stay together. Please take care of Kanya. She's the one who cries the most without you ever knowing.

To : Damar & Almira

The night before Arez left, the man entered my room. We joked and shared fun things without even discussing about his decision to get out of the house.

"If I can't often the same lo, promise to keep smiling like this huh. You know, your beauty is doubled, eh no, no, ten times more if you smile again."

I laughed in response to Arez's statement.

"Where are you really going? It's so mysterious."

"Well, Miss."

"Seriously I asked, are you going to kill yourself? You got a problem what the hell? Try here story."

I cleaned the study table and asked the man to sit there. There's still college work to be done that night. Arez complied and sat down at my study table. His handsome face with wet hair after shampooing made me almost forget to breathe. I pretended to duck while doing the task while he started telling stories.

"Crazy, I still have faith times. It's good to say I'm going to kill myself."

"So, what's the problem?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you the right way if I'm really going."

"Oh, if so I don't want to guess. Why think of the uncertain."

Arez smiled warmly. He patted my head gently and repeated the mistake we made the night after Arez had a fight with the Son. Even the kiss is getting longer, deeper and softer. The smell of strawberries mixed with vanilla stuck to Arez's lips made me forget that there was someone else in my heart. Even Arez never made me realize it was a farewell.

Now Damar really chose to leave. Almira followed after hugging me and patting my shoulder to strengthen me.

"Sori yes, Yes. I'll calm down Mas Damar first."

Again I can only cry. Cursing a life that somehow sides with me.

***

My attention was distracted as the device in my pants pocket trembled as it watched the sky darken from the window. Surprise I couldn't hide when the name of the person I didn't expect appeared on the screen. I accidentally found the power button. Ignore that phone call.

Daydreams about past times often come and go like broken tapes that are played forcibly. About the Son, Arez until the father who appeared randomly to make my head feel dizzy.

My laughter was still shaking and displaying the same name. This is the third time. What made him call me so intensely? Hasn't he ever cared? Or at least that's what I think.

After breathing in, I pressed the green button on the screen. The panicked voice of the adult man could not be hidden.

"Him, please go home, son. Your sister... Son..."

"You called me in the middle of the night just to ask to go home for your son's sake? What do I care about my son?"

"Since he came home he locked the door of the room and just opened it. Now he has a high fever. Your name is constantly called, Kanya. Please, you go home."

I did not answer the man's request. He caused all the problems that happened in my life. He's the one who's been displacing me away from home. He's the one who's grabbed my mother's attention and separated me from the one I love. Now it was he who asked me to go home to fulfill his duty as a parent. Heh, how ironic.

"Sorry, it's midnight. Just take him to the hospital. All he needed was a doctor, not me" I said hardened my resolve.

Why should I always be the medicine? To this day I am still injured. Wounds that every time are always doused with vinegar water even before they can dry.

"Son, Papa please ask you to come home just this once. He insisted he would not be taken to the hospital. You're all he needs, son."

"If you know I need a son Om, why still force to marry my mother?" I shouted in annoyance without being able to control emotions.

The man on the other end of the phone was silent. Although his breath could not trick me if he also tried to control his anger.

Huuft... I let out a long sigh before replying, "Well, but you better prepare a proper reply for what I've done tonight if your child recovers. Please send someone to pick me up at Almira's house. And there was no one in her room when I came. Including you."

After saying that, I hung up the phone and walked out of the room. Waiting for an invitation that will take me back to... May I call it hell? Because I no longer find peace and comfort even by thinking about it.

***

The room on the second floor became my main goal when I arrived at a luxury house in the city's elite residential area. I didn't even look at the couple sitting restlessly waiting in the living room.

The son curled up in his spacious bed. Cold sweat drenched his forehead. Araz's punch marks are still clearly visible on his tanned face but it makes him look sexy in my eyes. In his restless sleep he did not stop saying my name.

Huuf... I took a long breath once again. Letting oxygen fill my lungs and sit next to the man's bed.

Slowly wipe away the sweat of the Son. All this time I never knew how things were going, but considering the case of the Son's recurrence while we were together it seemed like this was the worst. Even he had swallowed his medicine if he saw the small table beside the bed. But it does not reduce the restlessness of the Son in his sleep.

"Even you're still troublesome. This is the decision you think is best. It's bullshit."

My hand stopped wiping the sweat on the Son's forehead as the man responded to my touch. He pulled my body and carried it in his arms.

"Even in your dreams you still scold me. I miss you very much. I miss you so much. Please don't go again. Don't avoid me anymore. I can't bear it, Nya," said the Son in his sleep. He cried while holding me. But his breathing began to be regular. Cold sweat was no longer rushing to wet his forehead.

"You've decided, and I'm now just playing the role you've decided to do."

"I'm unfortunately just like you, Him. Not as a brother, but a man. But...."

I laughed bitterly. After all that has passed why did that confession just appear?

Didn't I ever tell you to hit the line? Lo who is too cowardly and afraid to face Om Eka. Now he's begging to save his son's life when he knows what you need is me, not something else.