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Arez's Decree

Renzana Alcatraz

Jakarta, July 2015

Arez forced me to meet at a cafe not far from his campus where we used to meet, if I was around the Grogol area. There are important things to talk about, as soon as the message through the chat he sent. I think I fell in love with Bang. Same with my house. That's why we met Plis. He wrote it again following a message I had not yet replied to.

By phone or VC can't? I got a job running this mall, Boy. My reply offered Arez an invitation.

But he was so enthusiastic when he told me about a girl friend who lived at home with him and still insisted on not telling it over the phone. Arez kept forcing me to meet, even though I told him there were things I had to do. Unfortunately, I can't always refuse the man's request. Especially if he has put on a cute pretentious face that makes me want to hit his head.

At that time I did not know what caused Arez to get sick. He did not tell me even though the man already knew if there was an abnormality with my heart. It's not fair, is it? But I can't force him to tell you what really happened. I just agreed when he guessed if something was wrong with my heart at the beginning of our meeting.

The man was already sitting on one of the chairs on the second floor when I arrived. In front of him is creamy truffle mushroom fettuccine - one of Arez's favorite dishes when we hang out here - half of which is left. While a cup of coffee with a little creamer that he usually ordered according to his own dose, replaced with a cup of chamomile-flavored tea. His face sparkled when he saw me coming.

"So what do you want to tell me, Young Master, to force the servant to come here?" ask me while bowing as if paying respect to an important person. Arez laughed out loud at my attitude.

"Opaan the hell lo, Bang. It's so grim."

"Your request is like the Crown Prince knows not."

"Haha... Sori deh Bang's. This is so important. The future of the world."

"You want to be your hero?"

"Not, but die for good."

"This is why we talk about dying anyway? Don't you want to tell me about...what's his name, your hired friend?"

"Bang, this is more important. Before I tell you about Kanya."

"That's another thing, don't talk about death with me. Or you want to hear my story. Today I did a funny thing..."

Sentence ceased. The smile that I had originally maintained for Arez to change the topic of discussion no longer had any effect.

I let out a breath. Feels claustrophobic. Of all the talk, I hate hearing anything about death. Just like me who is always worried and scared every time before going to bed. Is there tomorrow? Is there a chance to open your eyes and greet the morning sun? If not, is there an event that makes me die suddenly?

Really, of all those possibilities, there's nothing I like. Even when God calls me back to worship. Still, dying scares me and I hate talking about it. It looks so desperate. Well, even if death is certain to happen.

I stared at Arez's serious look as he said that sentence. There was no smile that often adorned his face. Even his two eyes seemed to say "i'm seriously Bang!".

"Should we talk about that? It's Sunday night and I'm going to talk about death. Are we desperate for that dead thing?"

"Gue only prepares himself if something bad happens. Not now, maybe in the future."

I breathe again. I noticed Arez's face still showing seriousness. Then he looked at the increasingly complicated vehicle traffic on the street in front of the cafe where we met. Time is approaching the mahgrib. The volume of the vehicle will increase by two times.

My reflexes turned towards Arez who seemed to be without burden when saying that sentence. He even looks more serious which makes me sure if I don't hear his words wrong. I don't even know what to respond to. Should be angry or sad.

I lost the word. Arez's face looked serious at me.

Indeed, all this time I have been waiting for a donor who matches my body. A series of tests have been done many times every time there are people who donate organs. But none of them fit. Even almost half my life I use waiting if one day there is someone who has a match with my heart. Sometimes I get even more desperate when undergoing a series of tests, but the results are still nil.

Knowing the fact that Arez was going to donate my heart somehow made me feel objectionable. I didn't expect the man to donate his heart to me. I was expecting his healing. Deep down, I want Arez to realize all his ideals.

"Rose..."

"Gue doesn't want to hear your objections, Bang. I thought about this a long time ago. I'm 20 years old and have the right to make decisions for myself."

"Yes, that doesn't mean you're rash to make a decision, Rez."

"It's been a long time I thought, Bang. Ever since I got in an accident and had a pretty bad brain injury. Maybe I'm looking good now, but there's a time bomb in my head that's ready to explode at any moment. I have no hope of living longer. My condition is not getting better, it is getting worse. The therapy I've been doing all this time is just slowing death down, not curing."

Arez seemed to be holding back the emotional turmoil behind his chest. Ever since I knew the man, I had absolutely no idea what made him go back and forth to the hospital often. He never told a story at all. Once he told me he decided something that I couldn't take for granted. Even when we were treated together accidentally late last year, I still did not know what caused Arez's disease.

"You can't make this decision that easily, Rez."

"Death can come without permission. I'm more at risk of brain stem death than you are. You know, our dear God is the same. Even if you have to survive with a weak body condition, at least He still gives you a chance to live to this extent."

"Lo can never guess destiny, Rez."

"But I can prepare for what is likely to happen. We don't know who will die first, do we?" asked Arez with a smile on his lips.

"Gue can't. Sori's. I know you and want to be familiar not because you want to benefit your state."

"Bang, it's me who wants to."

"Rec, lo..." I took a deep breath before continuing my sentence. "Lo still has parents who should know your decision. You can't just make a decision, even if it's for yourself."

"I made this decision because I thought of them, Bang. I was born as an only child. You can imagine, how sad they are if I one day leave them. I want them to keep having other kids connected through my heart, kidneys, or even other parts of my organs" Arez said, making me feel more slapped.

My sensitive side as a human being I cannot defend. Tears quietly coagulated at the end of my eyes. If I was in his position could I do the same? Even my relationship with my father did not improve after I broke up and decided to live independently in Jakarta. And I know for a fact that the man who devoted half his life to working as the police chief, did not want to lose his son for a second time.

"Give me time to think about your request, Rez. Honestly, this is not easy. Okay, I wish someone would donate their heart to me, but that person doesn't have to be either. I-i..." I paused the sentence. There's pain behind my chest. "...gue already bergep lo kayak adek. How can it be a bitch who fights for her brother. I lost Adhyaksa. I didn't know I had to lose you either."

"Bang, I live inside you. I'm not going anywhere. Yeah, you should accept my offer. It's not free, Bang. There are many responsibilities that you have to shoulder as long as my heart is still beating in your body."

I looked at Arez's face that didn't seem joking at all. That day I wish all my talks with Arez were just a joke to commemorate April 1. Heh, but is such a thing worth a joke?

All night, I thought of Arez's words. For the next week, he kept asking me the same question, if I would accept the man's offer. I just read all the messages he sent without any intention of replying to him.