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Can I Feel Your Deck Longer?

Renjana Kanya's

The smell of wet and fragrant soil on the leaves of tea disturbed my sense of smell. The cold that is not from AC also greeted the soft skin of my face. After gathering awareness I can see the majestic foot of Mount Gede which is still covered in fog. While as far as the eye can see, on the right-left of the road stretches a beautiful-looking tea plantation.

I squirm in order to stretch my muscles and spine that feels stiff. Unknowingly, next to me sat the man who had been my prisoner since morning, for taking his time to accompany me to Sukabumi. Ah, actually it was not purely because of me, because he himself supported it.

"Good morning by noon, Princess is asleep. How, it looks like a good night's sleep during the trip?" araz asked while watching my waking face. "I wonder, why exactly my car seat that can make you sleep well. Just try if it's me, it'll be more soundly yes sleep you."

"So, talk about what it is. Did I go to sleep again, did I?" I asked back and opened my eyes. I think I slept all the way. "Are we really in Sukabumi?" ask pleasantries. Though clearly, in front there Mount Gede towering with valiant.

"Well you still want to go to Sukabumi before we go to the toll road. So yes I brought it here," replied Araz still looking at my face to make me misbehave. Feeling noticed, I combed my messy hair with my fingers.

"Why the hell, is there something weird about my face?"

"Beautiful" he said, making my cheeks hot. I turned my eyes to Mount Gede which was still covered in fog in the distance. "Especially if you smile. Your beauty has increased a thousandfold."

Unseen by Araz, I gave a smile. It's not because of Araz's crush that says I'm pretty if I smile, though I can't deny that my face feels hot. But the sudden thumping feeling infiltrated my heart, making me feel a feeling that seemed long gone.

Huftt, but on the one hand, that feeling backfired for me. Replacing palpitations into pain that squeezes the chest.

"The heart is as deep as a trough that we can't even guess its depth, Mas. If you do not want to fall and get injured, especially not being able to swim, do not try to dive. Because I don't want Mas Araz stuck in the depths of the trough not even we don't even know what will be found there," I said withstanding the pain.

Araz's face changed upon hearing my statement. I don't know what that guy was thinking. His face seemed to be thinking of responding to my words as a form of defense so that he would not go too far from the limits he should.

I have to admit that both Damar and Almira's guesses are correct about Araz. Although the man did not explicitly state "i like you" or "I Love you", he always encouraged me to believe all of his words.

And his statements in the cafe at the time, always made me think about the possibilities that would happen. Fear of being trapped in a love story is one of them. I can't be hurt one more time or hurt a heart that is sincere in love. Then how can I walk with him if my heart alone cannot be hurt.

"If I thought the heart was like a prison. Anyone who has entered it, will not be easy to get out. Even when he was found not guilty. Which is more terrifying? Same for me, Kanya. Your choice and mine, are both scary."

I was caught hearing Araz's answer. Of all the statements, I never thought that he would choose such an answer. My tears are flowing again. Why didn't God bring me to Araz before I met the Son? Why should a man like Araz be stuck with a heart full of thorns? Why are we just getting found now? Why... why is there so much why that I can't even parse it.

"Why would Mas Araz dive into a trough or even bet to go to jail?" ask me when able to master the heart that is increasingly painful.

I really want to fall in love as I once loved the Son. But why does it feel so hard to love others?

"I told you from the beginning, Kanya. My advice last time wasn't just messing around. I can't say sweet words when I say love, but I'm sure of my desire to marry you.

Araz smoothly said things that I don't know how long he's been quieting. The man looked at me with tears. As if looking for something in my eyes. Could it be a wound? Only the wounds are visible in both my irises. Then he cast his gaze on the expanse of green tea plantations on the right-left of the road.

"Me and him have a pretty complicated story, Mas" I said at the end after a long silence. Araz looked at me more closely this time.

"I'm willing to be a good listener if that's what you want" he said, trying to smile. "It hurts more that you're alone Kanya."

My tears escaped without my being able to control. I told you from the beginning how the story is intertwined with the Son. Including up to this point that I still love that guy even though I can't deny that I'm getting a little interested in Araz. Will he be able to share the pain of my wounds?

My body felt stiff when Araz suddenly grabbed me in his arms. The warmth of his body for a moment made me forget the pain that had been following me wherever I went. If this is how can I feel this little bit of comfort?

"If his appearance makes you feel more pain, then let me dive into how deep the trough you call, Kanya. Let me see it firsthand, whatever lives in its depths. Let me also drive away the evil figures that shackle your soul. You deserve to be happy, Kanya," whispered Araz not to let go of his embrace.

I used to feel the same warmth. A warm embrace of a man who pledged himself as a friend, then left without ever returning. A hug that never forces much less demands. A hug that will grab me when I'm tired or down. The hug that was always where I came home from complains. The hug that made me come back intact.

Arezs.

The name came back knocking on my memory door about him.

"Why Mas Araz, always want me to be with Arez? Who exactly are you guys?"

Araz didn't answer. He just stroked my back to calm down. Gives a sense of comfort so that my body does not sting anymore.

"Whoever do you know or not, may I take this warmth longer?"

"As long as you want, Kanya. If that's what made you fall in love with me."

"If it could be that easy, my dear."

I can feel Araz smiling behind my back.

"How about if I know who you call? Will you accept me as a companion or hate me?"

Araz's question doesn't make me understand. He re-embraced my body as I tried to escape. The man didn't let me see his face that I don't know since when the tears started. If that warm water hadn't fallen on my shoulder, I would never have known it was crying.