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Unforgettable Doesn't Mean You Have to Stay

Renjana Kanya's

"Him, is something bothering you?" araz asked as we were in the car on the way to Surabaya. Occasionally he returned to focus on the streets of Lamongan City which was slightly hollow.

Almost an hour away, we were just talking to each other. I, too, was busy thinking about how to tell Araz that he had betrayed that man. Or don't I have to tell him if there's another figure who has never been able to get out of my mind or my heart? Is this fair to Araz? Is this the right way to hide my feelings? I myself was confused, whether it was true that I still could not forget my feelings for the Son or just carried away for a moment.

Though I deliberately drove Araz alone to freely talk to him about us. Rejecting firmly the request of Eka's father who asked Mr. Retno to take us to the airport. I haven't traveled very far on my own in a long time. After delivering Araz, it could be a moment to enjoy that time for me. Sometimes on the long journey alone, I really find the meaning of the word home. A home that is not always home related. Go home to my true self. Go home to know myself.

"Him," call Araz once more. I looked at the man who was still focused on the road ahead of him. "What's this about, Son?"

Araz's question surprised me. What makes the man guess if my silence is related to the Son? Is it possible that he saw me and the Son was ... Not likely. If that's the case, I'm not sure Araz would still want to see me this morning and talk like nothing happened. Araz is not a typical person who is good at hiding his feelings. And, he is one of the people who are easily guessed when being jealous.

"His, how is it quiet again? Right because of the Son?" araz's question is demanding answers. I couldn't avoid it, but I couldn't answer the man's question either.

"Yes, Mommy" I said in the end.

There was no point in hiding this matter from Araz either. Sooner or later, the man will also know if I still harbor feelings of affection for the Son. Not as a sister, but an ex-lover who spent time growing up together.

Araz pulled the car over at the nearest SPBU just as I confirmed the question. The man took off his seat belt and twisted his body to look at me. Not to talk. But I can see it. I could feel the man's heartbeat sounding very loud in my ears. Something made him uneasy from the look in Araz's eyes.

About Putra.

"I knew the risks from the beginning, Kanya. I know it will not be easy for you to completely forget the Son. I can understand, I can wait too. As long as you believe in me, if I can make you fall in love. Not just once, but many times. Every day. Until you admit that I deserve you."

"But Mas ... ."

"You didn't mean to end our relationship, did you?"

Araz's question surprised me again. I cannot completely forget the Son, but I also do not want to decide Araz unilaterally. It may be true that the Son was the first to introduce love at the same time, but Araz also taught me a hope that is not easily wasted. How can I just let go of it for a past that can no longer be repaired?

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm ... ."

"What are you worried about, Kanya?"

I took a long breath. I looked at Araz's face before saying the actual sentence that had been prepared since last night. I must confess, before this relationship gets any further. However Araz's decision will be, I must be able to accept even if it's a harsh reality.

"Me and my son, we made a terrible mistake. Things that should not be done with a couple before ... ."

I can't continue my sentence. It feels so hard to admit that I've lost my hymen in the past.

"Well, do you judge love to be that limited? Is it still intact or not intact? Now if the position is behind, I lose that chastity first, will you also think twice before accepting me?"

Araz took a deep breath. He continued, "If you forget, the man who donated his heart to me is Arez, Kanya. A friend who knows you badly and told you everything from the beginning. Sorry, actually I also never accidentally heard the conversation you had with Damar when we first came here. I don't mind all that, Kanya. All I need is you. Love you. Not the others."

Tears are running down my cheeks. A sense of pain slapped my suddenly frozen heart. What the hell am I looking for out of all this? What am I asking? What was I expecting? Even I don't know what I want right now. Do I really want to be loved by a flawless man like Araz or am I still completely fixated on the Son? If so, then what can I fight for with the Son other than in vain? Then, what was the meaning of the crying that I had been spilling over for Araz when the man suddenly disappeared without any news? What does it mean to have a thumping feeling every time we sit together and exchange glances?

Come, Kanya. Open your eyes. Lo is not Drupadi who even the universe supports him has five men. You're just a normal human being whose feelings you're feeling for, it's still unclear. Greyish. Pseudo.

Then, if it is so you want to sacrifice someone who clearly prefers lo? Trying to get close to you even though he knew the opportunity from the beginning was never wide open.

“Only, please, don't cry anymore. I know it's not easy for you. It's not easy for me either, but if we decide to walk alone, things will get harder. Believe me, I will make you fall in love until you can't turn to others,” Araz said while hugging my body. Tears drenched his chest covered in sweaters outside the white polo shirt he was wearing.

“Already yes, do not make a burden. I will not ask you to forget all your memories of the same Son. It's all absolutely yours. I wouldn't force you to fall in love with me completely either, but I'm sure your caring attitude is just as good a start to our relationship. Okay?”

I nodded in response to Araz's statement. “I'm sorry, Mas.”

“Ssttt .. already, I don't want to hear anything from your mouth if an apology. We go slowly, right? Don't force yourself. We must learn together to strengthen the foundation of our relationship.”

God, how can I hurt a man who truly loves me. Perhaps the Son is right, in time we will find an antidote to our respective wounds. And, I've found the antidote.

...***...

A couple with couple in a couple shirt welcomed us when we arrived at Griya Panca Warna belonging to Altar – acquaintance Araz who is also a painter whose name never subsided and even more so. Especially after he had disappeared from circulation and suddenly appeared with an image of his work that was getting stronger. Many media outlets covered the man's achievements. I also often see him interviewed on national and foreign television.

The shoulder-length curly-haired man who was left to sag, greeted us in turn. He even hugged Araz for a long time. It seems that even though it is only an acquaintance, the relationship between the two is quite good.

“Halo Mbak, how are you? Remember me?” my broom when we shake hands.

“Kanya, right?” the reply surprised me. “Where, the guy who used to take you often when it came to the launch of my novel?”

I glanced at Araz who was as surprised as I was. Actually, I don't expect that woman to still remember me. It has been a long time since we met each other. Last time, I went to the launch of her new novel two years ago. Shortly before my farewell to the Son. But the woman still remembers me. I even remember who I used to come to at the launch of the novel. Who else if not the Son.

“Oh yes, indeed he came with whom, Jani?” tanya Araz couldn't hide her curiosity. I was swallowing. Kelu.

“Anyboy. At first glance, he looks like the same vocalist Sheila on 7. What the hell's his name? Hmmm ... Son if not wrong.”

“We've been broken up a long time, Ma'am,” I said quickly. Along with Araz who was seen nodding in response to Mbak Senjani's statement.

“Ohhh ..”

Only that answer came out of Araz's mouth. His face turned crumpled. While I became misbehaved and did not know how to respond to sudden uncomfortable circumstances. Fortunately Mas Altar asked us to sit in the gallery living room displaying some of the painter's work.

“So how, what can I help you with?” ask Mas Altar as we start to sit back at Griya Panca Warna.

“Actually I need some paintings for a new office anyway. Is your collection that I can keep?”

“Yang is here painting recently anyway. It could be if you want. I think he has good taste. Why not just ask her for consideration?” said Mas Altar while pointing towards me with a chin. Mbak Senjani who sat next to her husband also agreed with the opinion of the man.

“Eh, not really Mas. I don't know about painting. Mostan also like to see it anyway, my elak” makes Mas Altar smile.

“Painting ‘kan should not be understood like a woman, His. They just need to be felt with heart.”

I smiled clumsyly. Just this time I met Mas Altar in person, but it felt like we had known each other for a long time. He even awkwardly called me by name. Not like people who just knew each other.

“It's good. How about you help me choose the Altar painting, His?” haggle Araz while standing from the living room gallery sofa. Without saying much, I followed the man around the gallery where the Altar was displaying his paintings.

“I don't know anything about painting, Mas. Later there is Mas Araz even disappointed with my choice.”

Araz stopped the move. The man looked at me who was still trailing behind him. A thin smile adorned his face which somehow looked so tired after hearing my talk with Mbak Senjani. Though previously he was willing to accept my situation which still can not completely forget the Son.

“I believe in your choice. I'm sure it must be the best,” he said as if there was another implied meaning. Not to refer to the painting as I intended. However, I was too awkward to respond to that man's statement.

I continued walking around the gallery and stopped at a painting of a woman with a severed head dominated by red and black. While from the head of the woman was a variety of frenzied city depicted with a deep gray color. It is not a painting that shows the distinctive features of the Altar. And, it was the only painting that was different when compared to the others.

“It's like a monument to Mas Altar. It was deliberately on display, but not for anyone to have except by Mas Altar himself,” said Mbak Senjani suddenly stood beside me.

Unknowingly, I've gone too deep into the innermost part of Griya Panca Warna. The woman smiled before telling me.

“This is a painting of a woman who has a name that is almost similar to mine. Renjani. I was too young when I decided to get married. I thought I could beat my ego, but the truth wasn't that easy. I ran away from home and made Mas Altar almost crazy. Then the woman came again. Healing the wounds I caused. Although finally he who again had to be injured because Mas Altar still chose me and asked to return.”

I can't reply to Mbak Senjani's story. I don't even know how to respond. Even the intention of the woman suddenly told me about a painting that is now inseparable from my observation.

“Memories. Must always have a place in mind that is not easily forgotten, but that does not mean it stops our steps to walk in the place ‘kan? Each of us carries his own wounds, but that is also no reason to stop loving. So do you, Kanya.”

“Eh, why Mbak?”

Ma'am Senjani smiled at my silly question. Then he said,“I don't know what caused you to break up with Son, but living a relationship full of doubts is also not a good thing. Put your heart on, if Araz is the right choice. And, the Son is a memory that you should just keep. Not to fight.”

“Eh?”

I increasingly do not understand the meaning of Mbak Senjani. However, I also did not completely ignore the woman's words. Even for me, it's similar to free advice given at random from people who don't know us well enough. Strangely enough, that's exactly the advice we need to hear.

“I'm sure your choice is not wrong. It just takes time to make everything beautiful.”

Mbak Senjani's back moved away after saying that sentence. Disappear at the corner of the corridor to the gallery's living room. I was still glued to the painting hanging on the wall in front of me.

So, how deep are the memories attached to this painting?