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Accepting Sorry

Renjana Kanya's

We were at the hospital in the afternoon. We are both mute and hold our feelings in our hearts. While the human frenzy in the long hallways, people in white uniforms, to the screaming sirens did not make us turn away from the silence. Maybe, in our heads it was more frenetic than all the commotion that happened here.

Even so, the man could not hide his tired look. Face's tangled. He was more silent, shedding tears since the doctor called us after Mama had finished surgery. The woman was rescued despite not having passed her critical period. The doctor did not give us much hope. Even to get through this day, the doctor was unable to encourage our dagger-filled hearts. The doctor just asked us to pray a lot and pray that Mama can get through her critical period.

For almost 30 minutes we were silent to each other. Not talking to each other or showing how we feel other than crying. With me. I thought, I'd be used to dealing with the bad reality that's happening right now. In fact, my tears spilled also after a long time I held so as not to fall. At least, not in front of Om Eka.

There was such great regret churning in my heart. There are thousands of words running around wanting to hug Mama. There's an apology I can't express. There is also a pain that is more painful when you know the fact that all these feelings are not able to dock properly.

Seeing me sobbing, Om Eka grabbed me in her arms. Warm. It feels so warm like a father's hug. My crying is getting out of control. I'm tergugu. Realizing one thing if the man who hugged me now had a heart that was warm and as wide as the ocean. Being able to accommodate all selfishness is also a stubborn attitude that accumulates for years. Able to accommodate all kinds of rejection that I tried to do until finally docked also in his arms.

"I'm sorry about Eka, Kanya. Forgive Om Eka, if all this time can not be a good Papa for you. Forgive me if Om Eka breaks your heart. Sorry, if in the past with stupid Om Eka, has made you also the Son hurt. Ignore your feelings and make you separate from Sukma. Om Eka, really sorry, Kanya. Om Eka is guilty of you. Forgive Om Eka, if in the end also can not take care of your Mama. Take care of your sister. Forgive me, Om Eka."

Isak Om Eka who had been trying to hold back, finally spilled too. We cry while hugging. Every now and then I could see people staring strangely at us. However, I don't care. I just want my heart to be relieved this time. And being in the arms of Om Eka made all the burdens, perhaps also the wounds that had been frozen in my heart, soaring to melt by the warmth of the man.

Perhaps, I felt we were both struggling to wait for Mama Siuman and .. I sobbed even more as the bad thoughts flashed through my mind.

"Om, Mama can't leave Kanya, right? Mama will definitely wake up and ... and .. we could be ... a whole family right?" tanyaku actually makes Om Eka more sobbing and tighten his embrace.

"Your mother is a strong woman, Kanya. Your mother is a strong woman. Only strong women never show their pain. Om sure, your mom is a strong woman. He could definitely get through all the pain. Believe it."

"So scared, Om. Kanya is afraid if ... what if ... ."

"Don't worry about it, Kanya. Don't worry about something that doesn't make sense. Trust me, your mom will be able to get through this."

I don't know exactly what made you have to have surgery. It's just that I know, there was a pretty hard bump on his head when Mama fell. Shock experienced results in the fetus being conceived and makes the baby must be saved even though it has not even nine months. The baby survived, but Mama had to fight her critical period to stay alive.

Of all the things I feared, I was so stubborn all along and never considered his presence. I always ignore. Rejecting every attempt that woman made to ask me to go home and apologizing that she often did. My heart is so hard. The wounds I felt were not comparable to those of the woman who had given birth to me. And, when I decided to go home, there was still no sincere feeling to apologize for my attitude all along.

However, after experiencing this painful thing, I only realized that I was nothing without Mama. I wouldn't be in the world if it wasn't for him. I couldn't have ... I couldn't have been .. Kanya now if it wasn't for Mama.

My eyes blurred. Tears block the view. Moreover, my vision had been blinded by the childish pain of thinking my love for the Son was too holy to think it could defeat everything. The son said the right thing. If we were not the owners of that sincere love, it would be Mama and Om Eka. I can even see that sincerity in the eyes of men whom I cannot yet call by the name ... Papa's.

"Om, Kanya's scared. I was afraid my mother would not wake up again. How about if that happens, Om? Kanya, how should it be?"

Again the bad thoughts again disturbed me even though I tried to drive him away. I was too scared. I was really afraid that God would punish me for not being devoted to my parents. I'm afraid God didn't give me a second chance at all, as Araz, Son or Damar said. What if God never gave me a chance in the first place? Or the opportunity He has given, but I arrogantly ignore it?

God, if that's the case, what way can I make it up to you? I'm afraid, I'm afraid you really took the opportunity for me to apologize to Mama. How do I keep my promise to Dad, God?

I wail in my heart. Mama and Dad's shadow came in and out like a fast-spinning kaleidoscope.

"Well, if you leave someday, take care of Mom for Dad. Your mother, even if it looks tough, is really so fragile. Just like you. So good-looking, but it's really easy to baper."

"Ih, what the hell is Dad. Do you want to be out of town again? How-how long? Don't be long, soon Anya graduation loh. I quickly graduated this. Yes, I didn't come to college, Anya?"

I just smiled at that time. Not answering my questions as usual. He said instead, "Dad will bill your promise later."

"What promise, Dad?"

"Promise will take care of Mama, promise you will not argue until fighting for days, and promise will support whatever decision Mama will."

"Yes, yes, I promise."

"Father seriously, Kanya. I'll charge you if we see you later."

"Yes, where are you going?"

"Just because Dad's job is done, so I'm asking you to promise."

"I mean, Dad?"

"One day you'll understand if you really need an answer from, Dad. And, the first question I'll ask you when I meet you is, how Kanya Gayatri, have you been able to make Mama happy?"

Yeah, I just assumed at the time that Dad was just kidding like he used to. Without actually realizing that it was a will that Dad left behind, until I had just realized it. It was too late and I didn't know what to do.

How will I answer Dad's question later? I promised Dad I'd take care of Mama. Until Mama chose to go back to her first love and ignore me. The pain is still there, but it hurts more if it overshadows I can't apologize for my selfishness as a child. I don't want to be a bad boy.

"Then all you do is accept their forgiveness, Anya. Open your heart and everything will be fine. To everything. There's no harm in calling Om Eka, Papa?"

My body hair is bristling. For a moment, it was like I heard Dad whispering in my ear. In fact, as I gazed in the distance under the blooming tabebuya tree, I saw Dad waving at me. He smiles. Real warm. So warm. Like the last time I saw him before he left for duty out of town. The day I saw him for the last time. It was like I heard his voice again.

"If the man who is the substitute father, Eka, Dad is more sincere than other men who are with Mama, son. Accept all forms of forgiveness that come to you. Also, accept your apologies for yourself. You've been too hard on yourself, Anya. I'm also sorry about the whole universe supporting you. Trust me, Mama's gonna be okay."

"Dad."

I subconsciously called him. Om Eka who was still holding me took off her embrace. He looked at my face with a look full of question marks. There's no way I'd tell him if I saw Dad, right? I must be considered crazy. I am not sure of my own vision. Maybe it was just a hallucination.

In order to get rid of the crazy assumption, I said, "If I call Om Eka with a different name from Kak Putra, may I? Daddy?"

The man was crying again. This time with a smile on his face. Again he took me in his arms. I'm smiling too. Feeling the warmth that quietly enveloped us. Dad's still there. Smiling under the yellow tabebuya tree. Until the figure of Dad disappeared right when the azan Mahgrib reverberated.