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Just Need to Be Honest If I Like You

Renjana Kanya's

I don't want to be fooled this time. Irritatedly I threw the pillow towards the figure still standing in front of my bedroom door. But the figure was still standing there. It didn't disappear even though I blinked a hundred times.

Even the smile that made the tip of his eyes wrinkle, looked so real at the moment. From the kitchen, I smelled omelette with cheese grated on it. Also a sandwich that somehow smells so tempting combined with the aroma of fresh chocolate and mint. Ah, I also smell the warm soup that makes my stomach suddenly churn.

Why did my stomach suddenly feel nauseous as if I had swallowed so much alcohol? Didn't I fall asleep hugging my knees last night after crying for Araz? Canceled my plan to follow Vina and Deni who forced me to go clubbing. Ah, even my head feels dizzy. I felt all right when I woke up.

The nausea in my stomach is getting worse. It was as if something was pushing him off the bottom and making me want to vomit. Before my bed was targeted, I ran towards the bathroom in the corner of the room. Spewed out all the contents in the stomach and left bitters in my taste buds. While my brain is still responding and remembering what really happened last night.

"Drink first. If you feel good, we have breakfast together."

Early in the morning, I started hallucinating. Worse, the shadow was now completely unwilling to leave. The figure in my delusion could even stretch out a glass of water and gently pat my back.

I watched our reflection reflected in the bathroom mirror. He's still there. Tortured my neck with a worried look. He didn't even move a little bit from behind my body.

"Arghh..it would be crazy if you kept appearing like a ghost!" I yelled annoyed as I ruffled my hair.

Instead of disappearing, Araz's shadow smoothed my hair with his long fingers. It looks so real. I could even feel the touch of his hand while massaging my neck. And it feels warm.

"Lo what the hell is that? A hoe? Who can come and go? Or what? Why didn't you tell me yesterday when I was chasing like crazy?"

The regret I was harboring finally came out as well. Making Araz's shadow show a guilty expression. But he said nothing but looking at me through the mirror. Heh, I really am crazy about it.

"Why diem? Not that you can talk, can give water, can..."

Sentences interrupted. I can't find the missing piece. For my tears flowed before I found the right word to curse the shadow. I cried as if resting on the bathroom sink.

"I'm sorry, however, that I was mistaken for leaving you without saying goodbye. Without explanation." The shadow mimicked Araz's voice again. This time his voice was softer and full of regret. Just like the reflection of his face caught in the mirror. "See, I'm really sorry."

"If you're just a shadow or whatever it is, please, leave right now. You've driven me crazy for talking to you, Araz. Go!"

The figure is still standing behind me. Also still kneading the back of the neck for the sake of feeling the nausea that I feel. If the delusion I feel can be so real, then what can I call it? This is no longer crazy. This...

My reflexes turned around and slapped the man's cheek. If he's a shadow of my delusion, he'll disappear if I slap him, right?

Huh, why is that guy still there? Standing straight while holding her red cheek from my slap. What exactly is going on? I could even feel my hand hurt from slapping him.

"I'm not your imagination, Kanya. I'm really Araz. It's not a shadow or whatever it is that you think."

"Huh, how can I believe that. Three weeks more to say. Yesterday all day you showed up and haunted me everywhere. Even I can clearly hear your voice in my head. How did you suddenly appear?"

The man did not answer. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest. The man's heartbeat was running down the tip of my finger which reflexively made me pull him.

"Get out!" I said firmly while pointing towards the bathroom door. The man remained unmoved. "Let's go say!" I was firm with my voice rising.

"I'm waiting for you to make breakfast. There's a lot I have to explain to Kanya" Araz said before leaving me alone.

My tears are flowing more and more. There is pain that increasingly squeezes the chest to make me trouble breathing. Although I was also relieved to see it was okay.

After Araz, I submerged my body in the bathtub. Still complete with the clothes I wore last night. Even the ones attached to my body are still the same clothes I used at work yesterday.

My face was still hot from the shame mixed with anger that became one. I didn't expect that the man who was in my apartment was really Araz. His form as a human. Not a shadow or a delusion in my mind. How did that man get into my apartment?

I put my head in the bathtub again. Expel tired and dizzy due to the effects of alcohol that was just felt. Even I forgot, when did I take a sip of that drink to make me drunk like this. Did Vina and Deni force me last night and manage to drag me out of the house? Or the…

The more I tried to remember it, the more dizzy my head became and the more hazy the memory of last night.

Tok…

A subtle knock on the bathroom door made me straighten up. Was the man really waiting for breakfast together like he said?

"Him, are you all right?" araz's voice sounded worried behind the door. I didn't mean to pay it back. Letting him feel whatever he was thinking right now. "See, Plis answered me if you're all right."

The bathroom door was knocked from the outside. The rhythm is getting faster accompanied by Araz's worried voice getting louder. Before he actually broke down the bathroom door and saw how I was doing, I returned his call if I was okay.

"Thank God, I'll wait in the dining room."

Araz's voice was not heard anymore, but my mind was repeating what happened more than three weeks ago. The night after doing social service activities with LF. The night when I realized that there were different feelings for the man. The feeling that started when Sazkia's mom asked me to talk about Araz.

"Huuffttt. was quite tired as well as it turned out," I complained when I got in the car.

"Well, you give all the wishes of that many little boy. Sori yes, there should be a marionet community that can lighten your burden. Uh, they're canceled because there's more important sudden business."

"It's okay, than I don't think it's stressful. It's also time to use it for useful things."

Every now and then I yawned and started to rest my head on the back of the passenger seat next to Araz. It feels tired after the social service held by LF. I didn't think the flood victims' children liked the fairy tales I brought and asked me to repeat them over and over again.

Every now and then I move around uncomfortable feeling the cold from Araz's car AC. I loaned my cardigan to Mbak Sazkia when she got her period on the first day and forgot not to bring a spare pad. Be me to endure the cold.

"His, where's your cardigan? Let it not be cold" said Araz, sounding faint in my ear.

Though asleep, I don't know why I can't lose my hearing. Maybe they have been trained for a long time. Especially when dad's on duty out of town and hasn't made it home by night. I will definitely wait for Dad to come home while half awake and will soon wake up when he hears her coming.

"So borrowed by Mbak Sazkia. She had her first period and forgot to bring a pad. So I pinjemin to cover up the nodes," I answered Araz's question.

"Him, don't you want a burger? I'm still hungry, I guess. What about a drive thru?"

"May deh Mas, beef burger yes. Do not use cucumbers.

"If I were my girlfriend, would you?"

"No ah Mas, I'm an AFC bully again. I still want to ask for the treat of Mas Andre," I replied again with closed eyes. In fact, I was fully awake when the Araz occasionally turned to look at me.

The man held back the laughter. Without turning his focus to the streets in the traffic jam, Araz picked up a jacket draped in the backseat. Slowly she enveloped my body pretending to be asleep.

"Have a nice dream, Her. May there be me in your dreams" he said, stroking the children the hair that covered my eyes. In the next second, the man kissed his forehead and both of my eyes were still pretending to be closed without him noticing that my heart was pounding.