"I'm Tired, I Want to Give Up "

Memories of Bitter Mas Eagle

At the dining table I still found Sya accompanied by Bi Ijah. "Bi, let Sya I accompany. Bi Ijah eat first," I said.

"Yes, Non. Aunty will eat it with Bi Narti and Mr. Nanang, please Non, excuse me first." Bi Ijah chimed in while leaving the dining table.

"Mother, why hasn't Papa come down?"

"Papa's got a headache, Papa won't be bothered first. Eat first" I said.

"Mother, that aunt in the park, I remember she was the kidnapper who kidnapped Sya." While feeding food, suddenly Sya talked about Ma'am Mayang in Taman Bahagia this afternoon.

"What kidnapper? Let's eat first, don't think about the kidnappers. The aunt who was just happy to see the handsome and adorable Sya. So he's not a kidnapper. Come on, finish the meal. Later Mommy told me about the story of Nabi Sulaeman who is good at animal language," I persuaded to divert his mind about the incident and the incident of forced retrieval of Sya by Mbak Mayang the other day.

After dinner, I led Sya to the stairs. But suddenly before heading up the stairs my stomach was cramped back.

"Mother, why?" ask me when I stop my steps.

"It's okay, Mother just a little stomach ache. Come on, let's go upstairs!" take me in a voice that holds back the pain. Arriving above, the cramps in my stomach slowly disappeared. We went straight into Sya's room, and as I promised below, I will tell you the story of Prophet Solomon who understood the language of animals.

"... and the ants get away." I end my story about the proud story of Prophet Solomon. She seemed to have been sleepy when I ended the story of Prophet Sulaiman. For a moment I fixed my blanket. After he was completely sound, I looked at him for a while. I wanted to hug and sleep with him. But I remember Mas Elang who had not come out of the room since, lest still be on the balcony.

When entering the room, Mas Eagle was still on the balcony. But it seems to have not smoked anymore, not seen cigarette smoke billowing again into the air. I want to approach but there is a feeling of anxiety, especially the smell of cigarette smoke would be very bad if it was smelled by me.

I decided to go back to Sya's room, but as I was about to step up, Mas Eagle's voice called out.

"Tone .... "

I held back my steps, then quickly Mas Eagle approached and caught my body in his arms. The smell of cigarette smoke instantly smelled making me feel nauseous. But not until I protested, Mas Eagle has turned my body and kissed me full of passion and longing.

I revolted because of the smell of cigarettes from the hands and mouth of Mas Eagle who still silenced my lips. I thrust Mas Eagle's chest with all my might.

"Masss .. stop, Nada asphyxiated due to the smell of cigarettes from the mouth and hands of Mas Eagle," I jolted as I held Mas Elang's chest with both hands.

"Mas misses, dear," the reason while releasing my body. His face was disappointed.

I immediately hunted down the bathroom releasing a whack of nausea. My head became sick and this nausea seemed to whack more and more.

15 Minutes later, I came out of the bathroom with a limp body and puffy eyes. As long as the nausea was vomiting it completely drained my energy and made my tears come out.

Tired of being really tired, I lay weak from the nausea of vomiting earlier. As soon as our room smelled a refreshing therapeutic scent, maybe it was when I went to the bathroom, Mas Elang sprayed or put on a soothing therapeutic scent.

Suddenly Bi Narti came in and knocked on the door, he brought me a glass of my favorite warm ginger tea and a few jars of snacks. It must be Mas Eagle who told Bi Narti to bring it for me.

"Non, warm ginger tea in the first drink to be fresh," said Bi Narti while keeping a tray on the table. Bi Narti helped me get up after he kept the tray on the table.

"Non, just eat rice to get stronger."

"No, Bi. I'm afraid of nausea," I refused. Indeed, as long as I experienced severe *morning sickness*, I did not like rice and it smelled bad. I had to avoid it for a while,

Not long after, after Bi Narti came out of the room, Mas Eagle appeared. It looks like it's self-cleaning and fragrant. He came and sat down on the bed. I'm not afraid of the smell of cigarettes that made me nauseous.

"Darling, I'm sorry to have made you nauseous and vomit again. I can't help it and come to you, I miss you," he said bluntly.

"Since when did Mas always smoke, every problem lariny to cigarette. That's not good, Mom. Especially now that Nada is pregnant. Nada is afraid of the impact, because Nada here becomes passive smoking," I said protest.

Mas Eagle seemed to be exhaling violently before responding to my protest.

"Since you sulked and often left home. Mas sad and no longer a place to pour out the taste and pampered. So as his escape was a cigarette, "he answered while embracing me and kissing my head.

"Where, now that his nausea and vomit have gone?" ask again while looking me in the eyes.

"It's still a little bit, Mommy," I replied lethargic.

"Has sleep?" Mas Eagle asked as he embraced me deeper with a more aggressive attitude. I don't want to be bothered with Mas Eagle's aggressive attitude, I know this attitude definitely wants something. The Eagle does not know the time and conditions. Always wanting, not understanding my condition anymore tired or sick.

"Mas, I asked Mas Eagle. Maybe because Mas Eagle hasn't seen him. So, it's better for Mas Eagle to meet mom. Tone is not feeling well, so tonight Nada can not serve Mas Eagle," said I immediately reject the desire Mas Eagle was implied. The eagle looked disappointed.

"Dear kangen," she said again. I slowly brushed off the hand of Mas Eagle, who was now coiled around my waist.

"So, why did Mas Eagle not want Nada to take him to Lake Love?" ask me to bring up the incident in Taman Bahagia earlier by diverting the strange gelagat Mas Elang. The eagle was silent as if it was heavy to answer.

"Why doesn't the Eagle answer? Are there any good memories there that Elang could not forget? Though Nada has never been to the Lake of Love, but Mas Eagle instead brought Nada to the Happy Garden. But in the Garden of Happiness .... " My words came to a halt as I remembered how angry and disappointed he was when Mas Eagle in the Garden of Happiness just now.

"Don't remind me of what happened!"

"Try if we go to the Lake of Love, will not meet Maak Mayang right?" as fast.

"Here you go, I don't want to remember anything that hurts!" his sweat.

"Mas Eagle refused to go to Lake Love to avoid fond memories there, but when to Taman Bahagia instead met with Mbak Mayang. Could it be that those wonderful memories were of Mommy Mayang?" say again.

"Stop, don't tell him anymore. There are no good memories of him there. This heart hurts when it remembers!" heated rising.

"Why when Nada brought up the name of Mbak Mayang, Mas Eagle was always angry and disliked, but Nada who was always the target of anger Mas Eagle. Was Mas Eagle traumatized by Mbak Mayang? Stop Mas to continue the trauma, if the trauma and anger Mas Eagle is delegated to Nada, it means misdirected Mas. In that case, Mas Elang married Nada just as an outlet of anger over Mas Elang's past. So, Nada please forget about Mas Eagle's trauma. Nada wants to be loved Mas Eagle without a shadow of the past Mas Eagle," I said at length while unraveling the embrace of Mas Eagle, then rose up from the bed and passed to the room Sya.

"Tone don't go, just so you know I love you so much. And about the past, I've forgotten all day. So, don't think that you're an outlet for my anger against my past. It's not about trauma, but indeed I don't want to remember the name Mayang," he explained as he squeezed his hair. I entered Sya's room, and closed the door and locked it. It feels like tonight I just want to sleep with Sya, which is more soothing for me.