Sharing Love: My Husband Married Without My Permission

212. The Hope That Hasn't Existed

It's been almost three months that I've been living this household life with Arga. We live happily together there are not many things that make us fight with each other. It is only natural that there is a slight dispute. The rest of us just joke more. I'm calm because Mom now there is also a guard at home, Mama's condition has improved. Because also now can call the letter 'r' very smoothly without lisp at all.

I'm still on a pregnancy program that the doctor proposed a long time ago. Although it feels confused also because it has been three months I am still with my condition as before. The doctor said I was healthy, but why am I still not pregnant? Is it possible to say if I have something wrong or something unintentional and someone else prays for me so that I can't get pregnant? I don't know, I don't think I remember ever swearing or saying anything bad to anyone else. I don't know, if maybe in the past before I could think well. For now I just pray for the best for me and my husband.

This morning my chest was pounding once, I had my period late for three days, it felt scared and incredulous but I was eager to see and test whether this program was successful or not. I'm usually never late at all. Maybe if it was late one day ago in the afternoon I get menstruation.

The door was knocked from the outside, I was still waiting for the result with cold sweat in hand.

"Well, what are you doing for so long?" ask the price sound from outside the door while banging on it occasionally.

"Yes in a minute!" I cried out to Arga who was outside.

I glanced at the container that now contained urine and the test that I secretly bought yesterday. In my heart continue to pray hopefully, hopefully, of course, I really hope that this is good news.

"You have a stomachache, huh?" ask Arga again.

"L-yes!" I screamed again. Indeed, the price does not know if I buy one testpek to see the evidence of my curiosity.

"I bought jamu? Which is as usual, right?" ask the man. What is meant is herbal medicine for relieving abdominal pain during menstruation. Arga is not reluctant to buy objects of interest to women like that in the minimarket. In fact, he shamelessly bought me a sanitary pad there of course when I had none at all.

"Yes can! But just a minute. I'm going along too."

"OK I'll wait outside, get out, yeah!" Shouts again.

I'm waiting for the results of the urine test on the test. Not this one time I used something like this, I used to do it a lot. Always hope if there is one faint line in sight. When I felt sure it was over, I lifted the little thing and peeked at it with one eye. In the heart continue to pray for the best results, hopefully in this womb will be hastened a life for me.

I swallowed a sense of disappointment while there were no more faint lines. Only one line was there. Again, I have to be disappointed with that. I wanted to cry, and what I expected disappointed me once again.

I shut my mouth, holding back the sound that almost came out from there. These eyes are already hot and are preparing to drain the warm circles past the cheeks.

Although I have prepared this heart to accept whatever results I see now, it still feels disappointed because what I expected did not happen.

I was crying, still holding onto the flat object of my test result just now.

"Oh Allah, when will I get the talk?" I asked myself. Hit this chest that feels tight.

"Why so long?" The voice sounded back.

"What a pain?" ask Arga again.

I pressed the button on the closed toilet and I sat down so that the sound of water flowing there. Rubbing my face full of tears I tried to neutralize the sound.

"Yes, my stomach hurts a lot!" Shouts as an excuse. I did not intentionally say if I bought a test to Arga, afraid that the man expected a lot with this thing. All this time it was just a zone. When will I have a child? Am I not entitled to have my own child?

Immediately I got up and headed towards the sink to wash my face. Try to remove the scars of the tears that were there. I dried it with a towel before coming out of the bathroom not forgetting the testes I wrapped in black crackle and I kept it in the trash.

"We went to the doctor, did you have a stomach ache?" ask the man again with worry.

"It's an ordinary stomachache, it's okay" I said, pretending to stroke my stomach, which didn't really hurt at all.

Arga took over stroking my stomach. It felt so soft that it. He looks very worried.

"If you don't want to go to the doctor, what drugs can make you feel good?" ask me again. I shook my head.

"Sleep will be good, too,"

"Yes, it usually hurts a lot" I said with reason. Maybe because the previous months when I menstruated also felt such pain until Arga thought that this time I also hurt because I would menstruate.

Arga came out of this room and not long after he entered again with a compress in his hand. He grabbed my blanket and clothes and put the compress on his stomach.

"It's hot, isn't it?" askinya. I shook my head feeling the warmth that was really warm there. Not only warm from the compress but also warm from the treatment of Arga to me.

"Thank you, Ga. You are so good with me" I said to him.

He sat on the edge of the bed, gently stroking my stomach.

"What did you say? I'm your husband of course I have to be good with you. I have to be as affectionate and considerate as I was when I promised my mother" she said with a smile. I became moved by his words and treatment. Feel this self to be a wife who still can not be perfect for him.

Although Arga used to say that he would accept me for who I am and it didn't matter if I couldn't have children, it was in fact my own thinking that had made me fall into a pit of sadness.

"I'll buy you some herbs first, yes" he said, then got up. He's out of this room.

Seeing the struggle he had so great during my life with him, to be honest made me very sad. I don't feel like I can give the best for him yet, unlike him who always gives the best for me.

After Arga went out, I came back crying. Can't help but shed tears. Nor can I divert my thoughts from the expectations that have been driving me to have a baby. Having a small family that is very happy and certainly a perfect woman completely.

Realizing that Arga might be coming back soon, I washed my face in the bathroom again. Rubbing it a little hard to remove the remnants of tears even though it feels very difficult when hiding sadness.

"You have a stomachache again?" asked Arga who suddenly looked over from behind the door. Sure enough the man had returned faster.

"This is me buying you herbs, I'm also buying you warm koyo," said the man showing what he got out there.

"Yes, please keep it at the table later I take it," I told him. Finished with washing my face, I went back into the room and found him lying on the bed. I was surprised by him not getting ready for the office.

"Aren't you working?" ask him while reaching for the package that is on the nightstand.

"No, ah. I'm worried about you if you keep having stomach pains like that."

"Why should I worry? I'm not papa kok left alone in the house anywayan also not alone there is really still mbak-mbak in this house," I said again to Arga.

"I don't calm down if you have a stomachache, Yu. It feels like if you are sick I still go to work also keep your mind. My work will not be quiet" he said again.

I approached and sat down beside him, laying down there.

"When I'm okay. It's just a normal stomach ache, normal for a woman every month."

"Yes that's it, because you feel it every month so I'm worried" he said. He turned his sleep tilted towards me. One hand supported my head while the other gently rubbed my stomach.

"Why did God create women and men differently? Why does it feel unfair?" He still stroked my stomach gently, very comfortable as I felt there.

"Because women are special" I said.

"Yes I know because women are very special creatures. But why don't we men feel it?"

What the hell is he thinking?

"You're a freak. If I think it's good to be a man, not to feel pain every month, not to feel pain on the first night, not to feel pain during childbirth. Women do not give birth to just one child. Not to mention when she in her old age will not be able to get menstruation again, I heard from her mother more often feel pain. So I thought being a man was good." I'm staring. We looked at each other, but in my mind I was still wondering. When can I be like that? I felt pain every month, I felt pain the first night, but I didn't feel the pain of giving birth.

When's?