IF YOU ARE A FOOL

Living but Dead

Johan POVs

For almost a week I just sat quietly looking at the painting Kayra I used to make when I was in High School.

It's like I have no power to know the fact that Kayra's heart has been filled with someone's name, since a long time ago. I think it's very difficult to get her love.

Is this a broken heart?

It feels like crying is not appropriate. But this heart feels so claustrophobic. Yes, but there is no visible wound. It turned out that the bloodless wound hurt more than I had ever had a motorcycle accident.

Mama always banged on my bedroom door just to coax me out to eat.

I don't even feel hungry.

Making friends with the cigarettes I enjoyed the pain of this wound.

Why am I so stupid?

Is this really love, or is it just my obsession to have Kayra?

Even I left KKN that had just started.

Dian and I are racing to graduate faster. Because the one who graduated faster got the opportunity first to immediately justify Kayra.

From the beginning I didn't mean to spy on Kayra. I just want to always know about that girl. Just like that I was happy. Even if I can't interact with him directly.

Due to the distance of the medical building with the far economy, I could not have visited there every day without clear needs.

So I asked one of my girlfriends for help, to send me pictures/vidio Kayra as often as possible.

Sometimes I smile to myself when I play vidio posts, such as lack of work only this me. Sometimes Kayra vidio with Siska, vidio when Kayra eats in the cafeteria, vidio while Kayra in the mosque. I was quite amused, my heart felt always close to this.

Kayra's face became opium to me. There was even only the name Kayra that filled my life.

Not because no one is looking at me. It's just that I feel Kayra's name is ingrained in my life.

Until one day, I got a vidio shipment which then made me stop all this stupidity.

Vidio at Kayra and Dian's meeting secretly. Even Dian thought it was already the safest place to hide their meeting.

Sentence by sentence I heard well. Until at the end of their conversation, I could tell that the relationship between them was much longer before I existed.

My heart was heating up, but the anger was not ignited in the least.

I was quite aware that Dian betrayed me by meeting Kayra secretly. He reneged on the deal we made. I should have been angry and could've beaten him.

But what happened, my heart was no longer able to accept the harsh reality. It turned out that Kayra's heart had long been filled with the name Dian.

LOSE, I'VE LOST.

I'm powerless. Whatever I do is free. My struggle has ended in vain.

Even if I finish Dian off right now, not necessarily Kayra's heart turned on me. He will hate me even more.

Could it be that I am fighting two hearts that have been filling each other for so long?

Why am I this stupid? I cursed myself. I am strong because of love and I am powerless because of love. And it turns out, love is actually clapping one hand.

"aaaaarrrrkkhhhhh" I shouted as loud as I could but still did not find any relief after. The pain of being torn to shreds still filled my heart.

Then I met a friend in High School. My face looked crumpled at the time. He invited me to sit down together. Then he took out a cigarette box from inside his pocket. And again, there was a bottle of beer he took out of a plastic bag.

At first I was just trying to smoke a cigarette. But since I never did that, I choked on the third suction. Without thinking, I gulped down the bottle in front of me. As is usually done, when choking, water is the first thing to look for.

Once the water is inside the mouth, it feels different. But I still swallowed it.

Without continuing to smoke cigarettes, I say goodbye to going home.

When I got home, my head was dizzy. It might be because of the effect of the drink, but I only drank one sip. Maybe because I never. Without thinking about anything else I lay in bed hoping that all this pain would go away afterwards.

I don't know how long I slept, once the opening of the eyes was dark. The dizziness in my head was gone too. But not with this heartache. Just a moment he left, then went back to shredding.

From then on, I started to get to know cigarettes as well as liquor. Minimal to expel pain that will never have this cure.

I went back to trying to live my day with the pain that still enveloped me. If in the past my entertainment was the vidio of Kayra's activities, then at this time my entertainment is cigarettes and drinks.

The KKN period began, I thought that by being in the far corners of the village far from Kayra's existence, it would help me to forget about her. Apparently not.

Either with stupidity moreover, I actually came at the wedding invitation Mr. Nicholas. Kayra was definitely there. I should be able to represent the others.

It hurts to hit the stairs.

There I saw something that would drive me crazy.

Kayra and Dian. Their closeness, their cheerfulness, as if killing me.

They really showed the feelings they used to feel.

Then what can I do?

I'm gone and there's no more passion to live this life. This love seems to kill me.

I left the KKN place, returned home and chose to live my current life. ALIVE but DEAD.

Regarding self-esteem, I don't think about that at all anymore. If the campus knew about my situation and I was stopped from BEM representatives, I did not care.

I no longer care about my mother's feelings. I will be sad to see my current situation.

Before leaving KKN I had time to tell my mother about everything that happened. I got the spirit from my mom, it's definitely going to be done by a mom. But the spirit of the mother was not strong enough to fight this pain.

And now, to myself, I don't care.

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TB

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