IF YOU ARE A FOOL

Impossible

"sorry if my attitude scares you.

Because ummi and other families have very often asked "when did you get married? "

so that I have to properly ascertain with what will be my choice.

If you are willing, maybe we will have a wedding in the near future.

You can still continue college if you later receive my proposal"

Sufficient statement after statement made my heart stop beating for a while.

"think well, son, because getting married is not easy. Everyone wants to get married once in a lifetime.

You can ask for guidance from Allah with this prayer. You also need time to ask your parents for consideration.

Do we need to deliver it directly to your parents? "

This time it was Ummi who spoke up. Apparently the child and mother are well, then what about me???

"sorry ummi, let Kayra herself deliver to mama papa. Kayra asked for time to give an answer" asked me after successfully collecting fragments of sentences that felt like they were scattered in my brain.

"what am I supposed to say? " say me in my heart.

"well then. Me and ummi pamit, already adzan isya" ustadz Billal pamit then rise from his seat followed by ummi.

"you rest yeah" ummi patted me softly on my shoulder.

"yes ummi" I replied briefly.

"assalamu'alaikum" said Ummi and Ustadz Billal together.

After they left, I did not sleep or just fall asleep. My heart was called by the voice of Adhan.

It is clear what has been impressed awkward all along. And again, God showed His power to me. I want to avoid anything, when God wills, it happens today.

"NOT POSSIBLE"

"NOT POSSIBLE"

"TIIDAAAKK MUUUNGGKKIINN"

I feel like this heart is dying to scream.

I may have to give up my single life in this close time. It never crossed this small brain. Just kidding, I never said that. Thinking about it makes me cringe.

While the phrase ustad Billal still ringing in the head

"if you want maybe we'll get married soon"

what the fuck? I should have refused outright.

I should have been able to be more assertive in protecting myself.

God, why is my life always like this. Is this a blessing or a disaster? when many people love me, many people want me. I'm not that special.

Maybe I can make them all happy. Take away their love for me, O God, if it will only hurt themselves.

Forgive yourself for being limited, including this heart.

For a long time this heart has been limited by one name.

O Allah, you are the All-Knowing of what I do not know. Close what is my destiny and keep away what you do not do for me"

I consciously dropped tears on the sidelines of the do'a. It even broke to the point of wetting my whole face.

My long bow made Siska touch my shoulder

"yes, we go home now. The mosque lights are already shut off"

Then I got up and immediately raised my prayer mat.

The journey from the mosque to the silent pavilion house.

A teary face was clearly visible on my face. Siska didn't ask what had just happened. He certainly understands my current mood.

Sleep, calm my heart and mind, that's what I really need right now. "Oh, this kind of feeling why it should happen again" I groaned inwardly.

In a different context and with a different object, I had to go back to feeling the same way.

"no way, this is impossible. It must be just a dream" indeed the rejection was struggling in the heart.

The closed eyes do not make the brain really rest. It seems like tomorrow I have to meet mama, just on her lap these tears spill without any waste. Especially what I expected, besides a little confidence that can strengthen.

Until the morning, the head still feels so heavy. It was fortunate that all the strange events of the day did not carry over into the dream.

If so, Dian is in a dream. If it's ustadz Billal, it could be that I scream hysterically in my sleep.

All jokes certainly can not brighten the clouding of this heart. Siska just patted me on the shoulder a few times while saying "patiently yes".

Does my face look like it is carrying a heavy burden?

" Do you want to go home later? " ask Siska whom I answered with a nod.

"want dianterin? " tanyanya's back.

"no need to leave, I'll take a vehicle online later. All of you pick up the yellow (jazz event gifted by grandma), kangen lama don't pack" I told you. I know enough that he himself is in recovery.

Whatever the heart is, the brain must remain in its function.

__________________tbc_________________