Monster Labile

Hati

1.Coercion

Eid al-fitri day.

I wear a sturdy shirt given by my mother. His clothes were small and short-sleeved. My mother misjudged my size. This size is supposed to be for my sister. Hmm long time no see so can be wrong guess. But yes, I will still wear it, as a way to appreciate my mother's efforts.

I left with my grandmother in a vehicle.

In front of the mosque, just outside the fence, I saw many acquaintances hanging out and joking. I saw there were Judges and others. I don't know why, it looks like the judge is watching me.

No, no, what does it feel like? just imagine if someone likes you, watches you, and you don't like it. Yep, maybe that's how I feel. Not delicious.

Ahh early in the morning Beater was already active. If this is the case, the only step I have to take is to stay away from people.

In the mosque I should have continued my wirid, but was instead invited to chat by the Irfan. I think I'm wrong to find a place.

*Ewkejshamqnsk

Ngeselins..

I had to respond to it.

Sabarin..

It was a holiday but a lot of trials.

After the prayer and hearing the sermon I hurried to go home. Seeing other people shake hands makes me (Beater) disturbed. There is a feeling of dislike and wanting to avoid. Beater was always like that.

But this is a feast day, an exception for today only, I will slightly open my defenses so that others can approach me in Beater condition.

I saw the Judge again. My mood was immediately bad, again he stole the view. Bothering bangett. Tau ah, I'm going straight back.

Go home.

My custom of the feast day? of course I'm sleeping.

Huh!

Don't ask why.

But I slept after coming home from my father's grave.

Usually if the holiday for others must be sorry for each other. Me and the other family are not like that. I was never taught by my mother to forgive when the feast came. In one house the shame of forgiving each other, became a habit until now. This is a matter of the heart alone, although its value is lacking without words and deeds.

Before I was indifferent to my ushuku, on holidays I was always forced to attend to every family home in my original home there. Without my brother, I'd have a harder time interacting with other families. Especially after me, Beater appeared, responding to the coercion of my former ush.

In addition to insisting, I also scolded me. Though the problem is trivial, but I feel like I want to be subdued. He must do everything he is told.

I'm very disturbed.

I took the act of pretending to be sleepy in front of him.

I said "what about his friend, he's like this too?"

No, my brother replied.

In front of ushu's house, my brother scolds me.

"why do you behave so with ushu"

I don't like to be ruled, in the sense of forcing the will. My brother too, if acting forced me, I would stay away from him.

I don't like being forced into ways and views that I don't like.

Invite family.

My brother could not stand by and told me to do it, attending a gathering that would obviously end up hating me. I refused to be ordered, using Caps Lock every letter. Then my brother retaliated with a threat from ushu.

The message is more or less about breaking up the relationship for good.

I'm really upset. I want to oppose it.

And stupidly again, the vehicle was used by my brother.

Why would I struggle with something that would make me sicker?

Drizzle day anyway..

It was always me..

In front of Erpan's house, I was hanging out with him.

Erpan offers a ride. Thank goodness, I said in my heart, a little extra space in my chest to breathe.

Arriving in front of ushu's house. I thank Erpan for helping me.

I don't remember how I got in. Which I remember afterwards when Ushu gave me the envelope and the dinner.

And this time I did not like it more when I gave the envelope to me with a disappointed look. Looking at the bottom of his heart, maybe he would like to ask me what is the cause of me like this and also end up scolding me.

In the corner of the room near the door, his wife ushu, ahh I should have called him acil, should have. 

I heard in the conversation they were involved my brother who could not attend. His manner of speaking and gestures seemed to be about to offend me.

One chain broke, the other was also broken.

Everyone ignored my presence, except for my neighbor's grandfather with my former home, she explained from the previous episode "I Can't" her husband who helped my mother give birth to my sister. I forgot what his name was and how it got to do with us, I don't know. Too many relationships that I have broken off and forgotten about. But he's still good to me even if I forget him.

The way he spoke straight into the heart without any feeling of discrimination, I could smile back at his question.

But I still want to go home, I can't stand it..

Adzan maghrib.

I went out and walked home. Drizzle is getting louder. I hastened my steps.

No one wanted to help but I was even more upset with my brother. At least try to give some lightness in forcing the will. Treating me the wrong way made Beater hate people even more.

My footsteps were forced to stop in front of the break because I saw one of the new family coming by vehicle, passing me on foot from earlier.

Uhh..

Jamaah lenggar already the second rakaat prayer. Won't be able to. Dirty pants, not yet ablution, sandals broke in the middle of the road and emotions overflowed.

Ahh. I can't stand it. I just want to go home. I'm sorry, God.. I'm heartbroken..

What good is to impose the will of someone who is opposite to the forger.

Is it right there, the will, the will of the heart to desire good hope? or just.. want to destroy something that is in him?

What is the reward, the reward for following the compulsion?

In the end everything is the same, the meaning of the word "coercion" is just the intention to destroy something..

I don't know. Is this the result of my previous actions that forced them to get better?

The judge..

I fought.

I forced them because they had to be much better than me. While ushu and my brother wanted to destroy my attitude.

My attitude is against the way they communicate with me, with Beater.

They should be nice and do it in a gentle way. Anger can never be subdued by anger. 

That's what I want to destroy.

Struggling to defend each other's stance.

The difference they have with me, they will never understand my situation. And I would never want to tell them about myself.

Don't always give up..