I Choose You!
#45 Doubt and Wounds
My sanity is questionable. Where he took my actions in an erratic direction.
I don't understand why I miss this cold house. Papa hasn't come home yet. Being in this place only adds to my doubts.
It's funny how papa gets distracted with my worried self. But I also know that's him. His cold personality was only on the outside, not himself.
I still have to try to calm myself down.
Papa is fine.
It was enough with the commotion at school until I invited Hendra's extended family. Flocked just to pick me up and represent me permission to go home sooner.
Whatever the reason for wanting to come home here, I need to stay calm as I have been.
“Non, sleep loh.”
Aunt is taking care of me. Maybe because of Sari's motivation with one hundred and one lots of advice.
“A minute. Excited,” I was still busy hugging the sofa cushions while watching television.
“Udah ten o'clock, non. Later can not wake up school loh.”
It's getting chatty, but I can't blame him. Our relationship is not as superficial as that of the housekeeper with the host child.
I've known this aunt since I was a baby. Because Sari's house was far away and at that time Fares was still just entering Kindergarten, often times he could not take care of me. These house aunts who take care of me and are responsible for everything I do.
Plus, even though papa does not have a possessive side, if you are angry, you are never kind.
Papa's....
“Non~ sleep!”
Duh, “Iya yes~”
Papa is fine.
I stood up from the sofa. Throw the pillow and go to one of the doors lined up in the middle room of the second floor.
“Lah? Naw? Non that one.” room
Hm? Whaties?
Oh, I unconsciously approached papa's room door. Though clearly the door is different from the door of my room decorated sweetly with signage.
Turning around I looked at auntie, “No... Rasyi wants to sleep in papa's room.”
I hope aunt doesn't think weird. It's nothing new that I sleep in papa's room.
“Live sleep loh non. No pictures.”
I smile, “Iya~”
A cold night is welcomed by the papa's room which is left as it is. Clean and neat awake, like papa state is not a big thing for this room. As if what could happen was none of their business.
This late hour brought me the opposite. It reminds me of unimaginable horror.
“Huh...,” I threw my body in bed.
I do not hate the cold void in the soft and calm bed linen. It feels comfortable to be unexpected.
Did I miss this guy that far?
It could be that all of that is still influenced by the feeling of Sekar. He was always lonely without his parents. He is very happy to have one.
Well. Who knows about Rasyi? Sometimes I don't understand either.
Hm? I soon forgot about it. I had homework this morning.
“Wake up, wake up!” I straightened my body.
I approached the closed light brown door. Grabbing hard handle iron⏤
“Wait...”.
My brain said the job was done.
No. gabe. Maybe the Physics? Today he was given his teacher, right? Next lesson is next week. Oh yes, I also promise to bring Firna to study together.
Yes, Chemistry. Tomorrow there's chemistry. Which housework is it?
Just sec. I got chemistry on Friday. Today is Wednesday. Harun's day can finally escape the race and be able to gather freely with me again.
Wait for. That, isn't that homework over?
The dizziness in the head should be answered with this.
Today is the date...?
I leaned my forehead on the end of the table as my knees touched the cold tiles. Realizing that my brain wires really don't connect very well.
The day I saw Aaron again, it was over a week ago.
Yeah, that means papa's been missing for a whole month.
“I just sleep,” I realize my brain needs rest, even more in this state.
I want to set myself up for real now.
“Hmm?”
Small picture frames? Never did I know that papa had it on his bed table. I'm sure it's a portrait of mama. Which is no less bright than the photo in the middle room.
Change position, turn towards the photo.
Fragrant bed linen that is always new every week. My back is sinking, in the shadow of the clouds that hold my body on its stomach. The scratch of the machine called the photo came to my attention.
“Mama, how are you? Right?” move the direction of the folds of my hand until it can support the face, “Photo mama, any situation, looks fun huh?”
Silent. Not because I expected an answer, but I realized what I was chanting.
“I'm going crazy~”
It tickles the stomach. It all reminds me of that strange night that Papa just woke up from his stupor. I was only five years old then, and there was not much I could do other than indulge like a little princess in general.
Funnier to remember that even now I can't do anything.
“....,” I saw a figure recorded on the colored print sheet, “Mama, how about for example I say I'm not a mama's son?”
The air is getting more piercing. Like talking to a photo is a big thing, just like talking to a real person.
“My Name is Sekar Bunga Melati. I'm an office kid who likes to stay up late. Nothing special other than being able to graduate college with no out-of-charge.”
I never said this to anyone. It's not that I want to hide my identity, I just feel it would be better if I didn't think I was crazy.
“My birthday night, I was shot dead by a stranger. I just want to help heal the wounds of passers-by. When I opened my eyes, I was already a baby carried by Sari and her child.”
Record those tracks, the more they get.
“When I was eight months old and could crawl, I was finally able to meet papa. And at that moment I knew that my papa wanted to throw me into an orphanage. Cruel again, they know that someone wants to take my life out there. That's too much for me who doesn't know anything, right?”
At such a young age, I still don't know what's out there. Therefore I concluded it would be better to be with Rizki, seeing my eight months as safe as that.
“But, even though I was already with papa, I finally met with grandfather. I understand that he was brave enough to take my life.”
I'm not happy about that. Never does. Even though I was only taken away for a while to a crowded cafe.
“Fear, I'm afraid. It was so good when Papa found me. But, ma, I can't trust papa. I'm like this, because papa brought trouble. I also know, mama and sister Riza died because of this.”
Reality is too heavy. My mind can never get used to it.
“Night, mom remember? Papa talks to mom in the living room. It also woke up because of a tired fainting. Papa says it's better to be thrown into an orphanage than to get in trouble.”
She covered her face with the pillow I was holding.
“What's the point? I've been followed! When I was twelve, I was kidnapped again! Even my friends lost their lives. Then papa asked me to leave? What about papa?!”
I felt myself crying again.
“Ma, wherever papa is now, please kick him!”
My hands shook until his voice was clear.
“While papa couldn't catch them, I lost my friend, though I used papa for his plan. Rasyi doesn't care!”
Position me.
Take that little frame.
Closely hugged.
“Ma, Rasyi does not want to be thrown away. Pl-please... Tell him to go home.”
I felt my body lying on the bed. Eyes heavy. It felt like desperately resting my wet eyes until this sore.
“Please, protect papa until you get home...”.
