Linger

A Little About the Past

It was almost early in the morning, but Irina still could not close her eyes. His chest still feels tight, even his mind is getting shriveled with the silence that dominates since he and Gavin decided to lay themselves in bed. He sleeps sideways, turning his back on Gavin who is not trying to attract his attention as hard as usual. For some reason, Irina felt Gavin begin to slowly transform into an unfamiliar figure.

Amidst the chaotic contents of her head, Irina suddenly remembered at her first meeting with Gavin which was far from pleasant. 

About four years ago, Gavin picked him up from a nightclub just before he handed his body to the lonely striped-nose man who came to the club full of the smell of alcohol and the musty smell of cigarette smoke. Gavin, then only a foreigner, was willing to spend tens of millions to redeem his self-esteem which had been sold by his stepfather to the owner of the club in order to get money to pay debts due to losing gambling. 

At the time, Gavin was not okay.

After a long silence and awkwardness created between two strangers who meet in a situation and place far from good, Gavin begins to tell little about himself. About how he is required to be perfect in order to maintain his position. About how the man grew into a lonely young man because in fact what he had so far was not fully intended for him. Also about the fact that he was just an illegitimate child who never expected his presence here, and was forced to be born because his parents had no other choice. To the size of someone new to the know, Gavin told me a lot.

Then to compensate for Gavin's story, Irina also tells a little about him. About his mother who always vent anger to him since he was a child because of the trauma he had over bad events in the past, where her mother had been sexually abused to make her pregnant Irina and forced to give birth to her into the world without a husband. About his mother who likes to drink and smoke and date many men, paying them expensive to pursue his obsession to prove that the degree of men can be lower than women. Also about his mother who finally decided to marry a savage man who often tried to harass him, until finally sold him to a nightclub exactly one day after his mother died.

After the club, Gavin took him in, gave him a place to stay and met all his needs. Gavin prepared many things for her, from education to finally encouraging her to plunge into the world of modeling because the man said he had talent. And for all the things that Gavin had given him, the man did not ask for a grandiose reply. Gavin only asks for a hug to calm himself when his nightmares come on certain nights.

The two injured people met each other, then they decided to join hands, taking care of each other's wounds until they could finally get back on their feet.

Over time, the attitude that Gavin showed managed to make Irina dependent. He could not imagine how his life would go if the man decided to draw the boundary line and slowly disappeared from his side. In Irina's eyes, they needed each other to remain a full human being, even though half of their souls had long since died with wounds stockpiled in the chest.

So, is it wrong if Irina now wants to act selfishly by wanting Gavin for herself? For Gavin was the first man to make him feel loved as a whole, as himself. 

All his dreams of living happily with Gavin could have been realized, if the woman named Kalea did not come into their lives with the frills of a fucking matchmaking that unfortunately Gavin could not refuse. This marriage was necessary to protect both of them. So that Gavin can maintain his position as a member of the Cakraditya family, and he can continue his career in the modeling world without excessive worry because there is Gavin who will always stand behind his body. 

But if protecting them both means there must be a distance created, then Irina feels it is not worth it. What good would it be to live a life of treasure and popularity if he lost the only love he ever had, which he never got even from his own parents?

No. gabe. Irina wouldn't be able to do it if it happened.

"Rin, man,"

Irina didn't say. He let Gavin's voice air without getting anything in return. His tongue was a little too many words he wanted to say, but none of them made it out.

"If there's anything like that again, please tell me."

Irina felt her mattress sway a little, a sign that Gavin had just changed his sleeping position. But he was still reluctant to say, still in his position to speak a thousand languages even though he could now feel Gavin's warm palm touching his shoulder.

"I promised to take care of you, so please help me not to break that promise." This time, Gavin's voice felt closer, followed by a warm puff of the man's breath that felt smashed on the surface of his exposed neck. Shortly after, Irina felt Gavin's nose touch her neck, smelling the scent of soap sticking to her skin greedily. It was as if it was oxygen that the man had to breathe in order to stay alive. Slowly, Gavin's large hand that had originally touched his shoulder moved slowly, grabbing his body, clutching it tightly from behind.

"Don't spread the distance that wasn't between us." Gavin said again as his embrace grew stronger.

"You created that distance." Miris. Irina grimaced as the pain returned to her chest.

"I never did,"

"You did." Sela Irina before Gavin continues her sentence.

There was a heavy sound of breath. Irina felt the fine fur around her neck stand up as Gavin's warm breath hit her skin time and time again, as if the man deliberately wanted to tear down her sturdy ego wall.

Two years of dating, Gavin never tried to do anything to himself. Although they often spend the night sleeping in the same bed, but the man never tried to cross the line. Even when they are at the point where they want each other, Gavin will stop before they go any further. But feeling the warm breath of the man on his neck repeatedly certainly gives a different effect. After all, he was a normal human being who had lust. One part of his brain is now designing a scenario. What if he turns around, lunges at Gavin and invites the man to struggle with their frustrations until they finally come together and there is no way out to get away from each other?

Yet another part of his brain tasked with self-control immediately dismissed the crazy idea. He doesn't want to be cheap. Not wanting to end up as miserable as her mother who had to give birth to a baby without a husband.

So before her desire to hit Gavin grew, Irina moved quickly, pulling herself from Gavin's burly arms despite her efforts ending in vain because the man was reluctant to let go.

"Vin, man,"

"Don't you dare to leave me alone." Gavin's whisper, right in his ear. "No matter how much Taruna treats you as long as I'm not around, please don't even think of running towards her."

"You're talking as if I'm going to cover up to someone else, when in fact you're the one who's walking away to reach another woman's hand." Irina said with her back chest feeling tight.

"I never get away from you." Irina felt Gavin's embrace loosen. The warm breath of the man was no longer felt on the surface of his skin. But not long after, he was surprised when his body was turned upside down suddenly, making him inevitably have to look at the dark bead Gavin which tonight looks dim exactly like he met four years ago.

"My marriage and Kalea won't change anything. You will still be in this position, by my side as someone I want to take care of." Gavin looks earnest when he says it, because when Irina tries to find the lie behind the dark bead, she finds nothing.

"So don't think about turning your back on me. Don't walk towards anyone else, be it Midshipman or anyone else." Final Gavin, before Irina felt the thick lips of the man move slowly over her lips. Just like those days ago, the kiss felt soft without the slightest bit of demanding.

Let's say Irina was stupid, because in an instant she started to close her eyes. Putting aside the pain in the chest and letting Gavin's lips sip deeper, venturing further.

Then one tear fell between their pages when a random thought came to his head. What if Gavin would do the same to Kalea?