Linger

Ragu

"Lo's still busy compare the look of the same girl you were?" 

Kalea raised her head as Karel's voice echoed. Dusk slowly rose and gray began to creep over the entire sky as they spent time sitting on the Indomaret terrace, chewing ice cream in the excitement created by random thoughts in the head. In the man's hand was a packet of strawberry-flavored ice cream that stayed half and began to melt, something that rarely happened because usually Karel would not let the ice cream melt. 

One heavy breath glides freely through the cold side of Kalea's lips. Then after throwing the ice cream stick in her hand into the iron trash cans near them, Kalea started to open her voice.

"I don't want to be with Irina anymore, Rel. I'm just-"

"What's free?" sela Karel fast. The ice cream in his hand melted even more, so he decided to throw it away because there was no more favor he could get from there. Besides, it's troublesome. Sticky and dirty.

"It's just a wonder why there are such beautiful humans. Like, he does not need to try much to look attractive because he was born so. And I..." Kalea lowered her head, looking at her appearance which was completely far from beautiful according to her. "You know that."

"If you want, you can also look like him." Karel. He now glanced across, at the traffic of the vehicle as well as some hawkers who are still around looking for customers.

"I don't know, what are you really worried about?" ask Karel later. He looked over to check on Kalea's expression. But what he found was an expression that was too difficult to translate.

Kalea sighed, this time heavier. The second when he turned his head and their eyes met, the breath escaped again with a very noticeable unease.

"I suddenly thought of Gavin."

Gavin. But Karel did not have the courage to say it out loud. After recollection, Kalea did become more often questioned about herself since knowing Gavin. It was as if he was feeling low, dissatisfied with what he had (which he had been gratefully receiving all along). What's wrong? What part of their relationship did Kalea lose some of her confidence?

Karel wanted to ask a lot of things, but in the end only one question he managed to ask. "Gavin why?"

"I just realized that Gavin works in an environment that allows him to meet beautiful people like Irina. All this time, I was too blindfolded because as far as my eyesight, I had never met anyone who worked in this field that was as beautiful as Irina. I'm not doubting another beauty, but Irina.she seems to have a special attraction that makes me feel, anyone can fall in love with her easily." Kalea. He looked up a little, looking at the gray sky above which had completely swallowed orange to nothing. 

The wind blew carrying the scent of the ground which instantly made Kalea close her eyes. Soon, it will rain. Kalea likes rain, she likes the smell of the soil that first touched the drops of sky water. He likes the wind that blows softly on his face as he inhales the deep aroma of petricor. But when his heart is restless, listening to the rustling of the wind that chime with the sound of a falling speck is not a good choice. Because the machete that is stored tightly can become more blue. Because the crying that was originally held could have collapsed.

"That's why I always ask if you're sure to marry Gavin." Karel. He paused for a moment, only to catch his breath and exhale slowly. "Because I know you're unstable." When he turned his head, he found Kalea staring at the quiet streets with a gaze that was too difficult to translate.

"Gue did not know which part of the girl that made you feel inferior. She's so pretty, I admit it. But beauty is relative, and everyone has their own set of standards. Everyone who saw the girl said she was beautiful, but to have more feelings, it has never been easier. Feelings are not just about visuals, but also about what cannot be seen and felt in real terms." Because if only about visuals and other visible things, then, I must have fallen in love many times and did not need to feel this sick when you decided to marry another man.

"At any rate, beautiful and not necessarily the contents of her head exist."

Kalea turned her head as the statement slid leisurely from Karel's lips. He found the man smiling sideways, laughing at nothing.

"She's supermodel, Rail. It is impossible that his head does not exist. He must be smart." Kalea said, just to make Karel cluck. The man turned his head, his eyes squinting as a sign of his disapproval of Kalea's words.

"You're smart or not, that's not really the point." Carrel in the end. "The point is, want as good as anyone else in your eyes, if Gavin wants the same lo ya others will just look burem in his eyes."

"If his taste is like that, he will not accept this match. What kind of madman would spend his entire life with someone who doesn't get into his criterion at all?" After that, Karel turned his eyes back.

Kalea followed Karel's line of sight, just as the first raindrop fell before them. Followed by other spots that over time turned into heavy rain accompanied by a gust of wind that is quite strong.

Kalea close the jacket owned by Karel who had been wearing since, hugging herself to reduce the cold that began to crawl.

Then Kalea turned her head when Karel's voice returned to the air.

"If in doubt, don't go forward. But if you're ahead, don't hesitate." There was a smile on her back after the man finished his sentence, an unfamiliar kind of smile, which was too difficult for Kalea to understand the meaning.

The rain was getting heavy, the wind was blowing harder, and the heads of the two human children were getting noisier with various things that were too tangled to be broken down one by one. Tonight, in front of a deserted Indomaret customer, the two drowned. In each one's mind.

******

Of the many things that Kalea could not do, one of them was to call Gavin first. Moreover it is late, at half twelve in the evening and calling someone at this hour is not something worth doing. But tonight, Kalea did. He dialed Gavin's number after arguing with himself hundreds of times. Only to be made to wait accompanied by a monotonous connecting tone.

After returning from Indomaret, he thought a lot about what Karel had said. About Gavin, about the doubts that suddenly appear at the time of their marriage just counting days, also about his confidence which is slowly eroded just because of some trivial things he met lately.

And Kalea felt, she would not arrive at the word calm before getting the answer she wanted. The answer he should have heard directly from the person concerned.

Finally, after waiting for thirteen seconds, the phone connected. From across, Gavin greeted in a hoarse voice and was a little heavier than usual, making Kalea bite her lower lip as the anxiety level suddenly rose.

"Hello?"

Silent. Kalea still can't make a sound. Now he is busy regulating his crazy heartbeat, for whatever reason.

"Kalea?"

*Wait, Gavin. Let me take a breath first. Just moment.

"Hello?"

In a moment, Gavin. Three more seconds, don't keep talking because it makes my heart more unruly.

"Oh, maybe just a squeeze time? Yaudah, I am matiin ya, Kalea*."

Don'tdon't.

"Gavin's." Finally, his voice came out as well.

Gavin did not reply, but Kalea could hear the sound of the rarity from across.

"Why laugh? What's so funny?" ask her with a frown.

"You."

"I'm no longer funny, am I?"

"For me you're funny."

"Ugh, dreadlocks." Kalea rolled her eyeballs, but uncluttered the edges of her lips raised upwards forming a thin smile.

"What's wrong? Tumben you call me malem-malem like this?"

"Not a collision, never." Kalea corrected, and the sound of laughter came back from across. This time it's crisper than the one before.

"That's it, so never, I think your phone is sleeping and accidentally dial my number."

"Gavin's."

"Hmm?"

"Go ahead."

Kalea bit her lower lip back. He did not want to look pitiful with his current inferiority feeling. But for God's sake, he really wanted to know Gavin's answer when the question he had neatly arranged in his head was actually asked.

"Kalea?"

"What kind of girl do you like?"

There was a long pause, making Kalea think that Gavin might be stringing words to say the answer so as not to be too painful to hear. But, what Kalea had heard in response had left her speechless in dissatisfaction.

"You." Gavin.

"I'm serious."

"I'm serious."

"Before you meet me, what kind of woman do you want?"

"Calaea,"

"Java."

There was a sound of breathing from across. Kalea could already imagine what kind of facial features Gavin was now showing. Because as long as they are in the process of introduction, Kalea likes to pay attention to every change in expression on the man's face while studying it, as well as studying it, trying to find the meaning of every wrinkle that appears on the forehead or a thin smile that adorns the face of his face.

Kalea got up on the bed, she walked towards the large glass door that connects with the balcony. He flicked the blue curtain of the sea that blocked his view, only to find the night was already so late and the sky was completely pitch-colored. His index finger was raised slowly, then moved to paint something on the glass door that was dewy exposed to rainwater. There, he tried to describe his unrest.

"I don't know what makes the question suddenly pop into your head, but obviously, my answer remains the same; you."

Kalea's hand movements practically stopped. He was silent, not knowing what to say. Because to be honest, if Gavin says what his dream woman looks like, he might start turning himself into someone Gavin wants to be. But the man's answer was always on his side, making him afraid that it would only hurt him in the future. Gavin was too good, so he felt, once the man hurt him, then he would instantly be crushed unceremoniously.

Realizing there was no response from him, Gavin spoke again. This time, his voice sounded more serious.

"What kind of woman I wanted to be is not important anymore now, because I know, now I just want you."

"Now, let me ask you one thing about you."

"What?"

"You doubt?"

Deg

Is it too obvious? Was that hesitation too obvious from his tone? Or jusrtu...Gavin who is too good at capturing the meaning of every question he asks? Because that guy is always on target.

"If in doubt, don't go forward. But if you're ahead, don't ever hesitate."

Ah, that sentence again. It was strange to hear that sentence coming out of Gavin's lips while just a moment before he had heard the same thing from Karel. It's as if the two people have shared one brain cell in common, so what they think and say is the same.

"When in doubt, what should I do?"

"Convince yourself."

"How'd it go?"

"*Ask as many questions as you can that fill your head to me. I'll answer them all, one by one without anyone missing."

"Ask everything, get all the answers you want to hear all this time. Gather everything together, digest it, until you can finally eliminate the doubt from your mind*."

"If you still have doubts, how?"

"Don't continue. Why keep going if you have to be overshadowed by doubt? I could be a shield if you're too afraid to resign first. I'm willing to be a jerk for you, if it's necessary."

"Don't." Kalea cuts fast.

"Don't what?"

"Don't be a jerk." Kalea said, she pulled the curtains until the glass door was covered again. He walked back to the bed, straight to the left, back to the big glass door.

"Don't be a jerk, Gavin." Repeat Kalea again, with a voice that gets slower at the end of the sentence.

"Sleep, it's night. Save other questions for you to ask tomorrow when we meet."

"Tomorrow shall we meet? Make? Are you not working?" Kalea got up from her sleep, leaning her back against the mattress headboard.

"Tomorrowed wedding dress fittings."

Kalea patted her forehead. So many things he thought, he forgot the day.

"Tomorrow I'll pick you up at nine."

"Yes." Yeah." Answer Kalea as it is.

"Jude, now you're sleeping. Don't think of anything else, save everything for tomorrow."

Kalea nodded, knowing that Gavin would not be able to see her.

"Good night, Kalea."

"Night, Gavin."

And the phone disconnected. Leave Kalea sitting quietly on the mattress with a increasingly disarranged mind.

When in doubt, do not move forward. But if you're ahead, never hesitate.

He repeated the sentence as much as he could, until finally the noise in his head led him to fall asleep with questions that he still kept neatly in place.

Seriate