Holy Prison

PS 59 - Getting Memory

Ever since I came to my senses from my coma, I felt like someone was watching me. I don't know if it's just my feeling or how. Clearly, despite being watched, I felt no fear. Maybe because the hospital is a public place so many pairs of eyes that pay attention to me.

Ulfa took me around the hospital. Until we started passing the hospital musala. Suddenly my head throbbed.

"Aah!" my screams just couldn't stand the throbbing of my head.

My eyes are beginning to catch those who wear mukena. Which is in the Musala. My head is getting sick. Really sick.

"What's wrong with you, brother?" exclaim Ulfa panic.

"S-sickness, Brother!" seruku held my head.

Suddenly it came to my mind the santri-santri wearing mukena and sarong came out of a mosque. I don't know what the situation is but my head really hurts.

"Sister!" my yelling. My head is getting worse. My head was increasingly filled with santri-santri activity, there was even me in my own shadow.

O God, what is this?

Someone hastily approached.

"Gus, please take Nindy to the room!" exclaim Brother Ulfa.

Without being told twice he picked me up and went back to the hospital room.

Memories after memories now popped into my head. I can only cry. It hurts so much.

Get him, Faiz boy. He's a kid who doesn't know he's lucky. His work only embarrassed my family! - Papa's voice.

I cried again thinking of Papa's words. My memory is starting to return. I could only cry without a sound. So hurt.

Someone shook my body. "An Sounds. Cry with your voice, not like this. I beg you."

My tears keep falling. I kept crying out without a sound. I couldn't get my voice out until my chest was tight.

The doctor came and told everyone to come out. The doctor started helping me to catch my breath. How I finally got to stop.

I could hear from far away, "I told you. It's not just his body that's injured. So please, don't make her angry or cry. He can't control his emotions."

I'm back in silence. It turned out that a moment ago my happiness was just a lie. The universe really likes to joke. Gave me a sense of calm without being able to remember anything and then took that tranquility in an instant. So mean.

It turns out that the pain in my body and heart came from my own family. Now I know why Papa didn't see me. He no longer thinks of me as a child. He is the figure of Papa that I do not know where the soul of his fatherhood. Remembering Papa's words made my head hurt again.

"Miss?" call Mama.

I looked at Mama flatly. Let me be, I'm tired of rebelling. I am tired of looking for happiness. Right now, I just need to follow the flow. Even with the soul starting to numb.

"What's wrong with you, honey?" ask Mama.

I just shut up. My mouth is locked. Mama and Sister Ulfa kept trying to get me to chat. But I feel like I have no passion for doing anything. Mama offered me whatever I liked, but I kept quiet. I really don't want to do anything but him with a head full of sadness.

I went back to thinking that there was no more meaning for me to live.

...***...

Start time shows at 8 p.m. Mom went into my hospital room. He brought food. No matter how many times Mama asked me to eat but I kept quiet until Mama kept crying and came out. This time the name seemed more powerful.

“Nak, look who's coming.” exclaims my Mama with her carefree voice. I don't ignore it.

But even though I was not interested in what Mama was going to say, I still glanced at someone who came. I'm sure he's not Gus Faiz let alone Papa.

“Indy.” Call someone. I know this voice very well.

Spontaneous I looked. This voice is the one I hate the most since the first phone call. The voice of my former best friend after the departure of Ilham, Mia.

"Go!" my yelling.

"Indy.." call him again.

I don't want to hear him call my name. "Gue said go!" I shouted while throwing my pillow at him.

“Indy, sorry I.” he said in a sad tone and unbearable sobs.

“GO!” that's the only word I can say to him.

Mama hurriedly took Mia away. My mom never cared who my friends were or who my best friends were. The only one who knew I had a close friend was Ulfa. She knows that Mia is my best friend. In fact, even Ilham Ulfa knew. Although he knows but still he did not give a defense for me when I had to go to the Hospital to see Ilham first. My heart is sick again.

After Mia came out my negative thoughts came back. It seems like Ulfa deliberately brought me to make things worse. Mia must have told Sister Ulfa that I was so angry with her for something so disgusting. Shouldn't it be after learning that Mia and I are having a problem, Ulfa didn't bring Mia here?

Suddenly everyone left. I'm back alone. Sayup-sayup I heard the sound of takbir echoed. Tomorrow is Eid Al-Fitr Day.

O Allah forgive me. - inwardly.

My tears are back.

...***...

In the morning, Mama brought food from the hospital. I just shut up. Not eating or talking.

"I'm sorry Mama, honey. Mama please. It was all Mama's fault. At least talk to Mama. Caci maki Mama." said Mama. She cried.

I just shut up.

Suddenly the door of the room opened.

"As-salamu'alaikum." Gus Faiz's voice.

"Waalaikumsalam wa rahatulli wa barakatuh" said Mama.

After talking and apologizing to each other that I didn't listen to. She left us both. Gus Faiz opened the closed door. Because of what. Then come back to me.

"How are you, An?" tanyakanya.

I just shut up. I would rather look at the open window than at his face.

"You want this bracelet?" tanyakanya. Showing my silver bracelet in front of me.

I hurriedly raised my hand, confirming the presence of the bracelet in my hand. And sure enough my bracelet wasn't on my wrist.

I rushed to get it, but Gus Faiz pulled it fast. Apparently he was just playing me. I was quiet again too. In my heart I want to scream at him. Why is it so hard to stay silent in front of this man?

“Feed your food first.” said Gus Faiz, he thrust rice ration hospital mine. I clasped his hand.

I feel dejavu.

“If you do not want to eat, I will throw this bracelet.” said Gus Faiz. He immediately stood up putting the food in its original place and began to approach the window. I hurriedly prevented it.

“Don't.” I said, already can't stand still. Gus Faiz smiled triumphantly, I just clicked bitterly.

“Eat first.” says Gus Faiz.

“Neither has to do the same bracelet eat, here behindkin my bracelet!” I said.

I found my voice again. There is a strong desire in me to argue it is different from when Mama or Kak Ulfa invite me to talk.

“Eat first, later I give.” said Gus Faiz. He took food and prepared to feed me. I don't want to open my mouth. Authoritarianism.

While chewing food, Gus Faiz took a blanket behind me and put it on my head. I'm about to protest.

“The protest is off.” said Gus Faiz.

“Pahit.” I said, why does it sound like a whimper.

“This one bribe.” says Gus Faiz. I'm nodding.

“This one bribe.” says Gus Faiz again. Just now I want to protest but gus Faiz hastily interjected, “Protes are off.” he said sadistically. I nodded too.

“One more.” says gus Faiz.

“Ngot strong bitter.” I said.

“From yesterday you haven't eaten. Come on, one more bribe I promise.” said Gus Faiz. Again and again, I obey what he is told.

Then Gus Faiz poured out the white water I drank.

“Welcome?” I said take his promise.

Gus Faiz took out a bracelet from his pocket and stretched it out to me. I took it right away.

I wear it but I can't. Without me telling Gus Faiz to put that bracelet on me. Should I thank you?