Holy Prison

PS 17 - Monthly

I almost forgot something. I forgot the fact that my parents were coming here. How much time I have left now, which obviously seems like I should really go, should not be put off. Unshouldn't. Unshouldn't.

Unknowingly, I started running. Down the stairs, and away from the cottage.

I don't want to meet my family. There's no good reason for them to come. They just came to laugh at me. Imagining this makes me sick. Wanna go. Really want to go. Anywhere.

I kept running, I didn't think the path I was taking was the forest. My green clothes help me hide behind the bushes whenever someone accidentally passes by. There's nothing I can think about anymore. Even if there's a tiger trying to tear me apart, I don't care. In fact, if later I was torn to shreds to death, I was grateful.

The day is getting late. This is marked by a darkening forest. When I began to distance myself from the edge of the forest, my head turned back dizzy, inevitably, I slowed my steps. My fucking mag's disease seems to be relapsing.

The road gets steeper, I keep walking until finally only the abyss I meet. I wept. Crying so badly. Seeing the steep gaping chasm there awaited me to plunge together.

I kissed the silver bracelet in my hand.

“Help me meet lo!” I said. I resolved my resolve to continue moving closer to the abyss.

Just above the abyss I closed my eyes. Enjoying my last moments of fresh air with sobs I could not hold.

I also started to move my legs.

However, someone blocked my hand. It even pulled me until I fell in his arms. I opened my eyes immediately. And those eyes! In the darkness of the night I could still recognize those eyes. Eyes that never look at me. Eyes that are always turned away by the owner to avoid contact with my eyes.

...In front of me, the moon is so shining...

...Even though it's just a grey night...

...It just looks marble on my throne...

...Emerald-like eyeballs; warm melt:...

...All the anger, the fret, and the grief...

...For the sake of the night that's getting fucked...

...A strange taste came down like snow; cold, soft as well as white...

...Under the cold of the night that begins to warm...

...The melting of karsa is created through the silence of the night;...

...Through a heart-fed beat;...

...Through the vibration that the body is testing;...

...also...

...Through the miss that is only condoned paternity....

...On a poem that I never wanted to hear right now...

...Passing affections to the deepest corners...

...Convincing to dissipate pilu also lara:...

...Who dwells in the chest...

...Cueing permission to enter the sanctity of your prison....

Him, Gus Faiz. He is the one whose face is now only one inch away from me. I just looked at his eyeballs. He helped me to sit down. Turned face. Snarling frustration. Then stand pulling me away from the abyss. I thrashed for release. But he was silent with a scary face. Although the grip is very strong but I feel no pain at all.

“Astaghfirullah al-adzim!” I said Faiz softly, rubbing his face. I can still support him. I'm down. Hiding my sassy tears just came out.

He turned his head towards me, “What were you trying to do earlier? Want to try suicide again? Not satisfied with what happened this afternoon?” he didn't scream really, but his tone was so scary. I turned my face away while sobbing.

She directed my face to keep looking at her, “Is there any guarantee that suicide will make you happy?” I turned my face back, but he turned my face back. “For God's sake, Ann, suicide is an act that God hates so much!” this time it sounded very frustrating.

“Why does the lo always interfere in all my affairs?” I asked, returning his eyes. Deep down in my heart. I felt guilty answering her question with another question.

“Lo don't know, Iz, you don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know what my frustration is. I don't know how my heart aches. You don't know what it's like to be alone. You don't know everything! You can say that because you have a world that is all on your side, not like me! You have Umi and Abi who love you, you have friends who love you too, you have everything I don't have. So, please. You know nothing!” continued again. To hell with these tears. I don't give a shit.

“I can't feel everything you feel, nor do I fully understand everything you say. But, An, if only you would share that pain, share everything you feel with me, I promise slowly but surely I will heal that wound. So, please An, stop doing something like that. We face it all together. Remember, An, even though we feel we have no one, we still have God. And I am sure, God will not give his servant a trial beyond the ability of his servant, because with difficulty there is ease.” he said.

He called me An. My tears are flowing again. Even profusely. I can't be let down.

“No! I don't want.” I said, shrewdly. I turned my face the other way. Not strong to look into his eyes, his eyes were already reddened. She's crying? Because me? I must be wrong. “So I beg you, let me do whatever I want.”.

"No, An. I won't let you do such a stupid thing. I beg you, An, let's go back to the pesantren, let's get things done together. I will always be with you, you will not be alone.” he said.

I still turn my face. My heart warmed to hear the earnestness and sincerity in his words. A sincerity? He must be kidding. I'm not gonna believe it!

I ran towards the abyss again. I just want to end my life. Gus Faiz tried to block my hand but this time I could handle it I hugged my own hand so that it could not reach Gus Faiz. But suddenly I felt someone holding me from behind. I thrashed again until we fell down. We almost went into the abyss if Gus Faiz was not able to hold on to a tree. He pulled me up. It's like a soap opera I hate to watch.

“I beg you, An, go back to pesantren.” said Gus Faiz. He looks very frustrated. This time he did not release his hand on my shirt-covered arm. Looks like I won't be able to get away with it.

“OK, I'm going to the boarding school.” I said.

Gus Faiz's eyes looked at me with twinkle. Now her eyes are more beautiful and more radiant than the moon. His hand still won't let me go. It seems like he's still afraid I'm going to run away again.

“But there are conditions.”. Of course I don't want to come to the pesantren anymore.

Looking at him who only dared to touch me covered in clothes, never wanted to look at me. I know he is a religious servant. Even though he hugged me it was just a forced action. I spoke at length only because I had to. And it seemed that he would never lie as much as Farha, who always said that lying was a sin. So, I think I know what to do. I'm sure, my terms will not be accepted.

“Whatever, insyaAllah I will fulfill it.” said Gus Faiz. His tone was very firm and serious. Now I wonder what if this was the case with Farha she would do the same? My heart aches instantly.

“Kalo you can not fullin 2 terms from me, let me go and do not interfere again my business!” I said.