Holy Prison

PS 14 - Knife Eye

Maybe now is the right time to end it all. Why does it feel so easy. If I knew suicide was this easy. From yesterday I set foot in this kitchen. Besides, I've been here often told to go with Umi. It's okay, what matters is that this time I have a chance.

I took the knife and watched it. I also checked whether the knife was sharp or not by cutting the vegetables under the knife.

CRESS!

Be sharp!

I want to cheer for the world. But the part where I felt what I did this time was a mistake. Do you know if it's wrong? Wrong is when you're afraid of someone else knowing what you're doing. But I hope this time it's the most beautiful mistake I've ever made. Just think of it that way.

I brought the knife closer to the inside of my wrist where the pulse was.

I started to cut my own hands with that knife.

THE TESS TEST!

Blood began to fall. I can only bite my lips so as not to scream. I don't want everyone to mess up my plans. I really don't want to! Let me calm down! Even though I'm not as calm as you think.

Blood started to stain the floor. I didn't stop my new action slashing a little, not yet deep, not yet to my pulse. It felt so painful but I encouraged myself, that the pain I felt this time was not comparable to my pain at home.

"Astagfirullah al-‘azim!" suddenly there was a hand that was raised above the blade that I used to launch my actions. Right on the bottom blade of the knife is not held by a knife or from the top of the knife.

"That'sghfar, Nin! What are you doing?!" Snatch Gus Faiz to me. I said it, it's Gus Faiz.

He's stupid! I'm also stupid because my tears uncompromisingly came down just like that and it's getting louder, this is the first time I've ever cried in front of someone. And that's him, Gus Faiz.

He's stupid! He hurt his own hand. My tears are hard. He didn't hold my hand. I know he avoided physical contact with me. But by grasping the sharp knife I was using to commit suicide, it was too late. What kind of man is he really?

"Why did you pull the knife?!" My great-grandson.

"I just want to keep your chastity, no matter what" he said hoarsely. He threw the knife that was now covered in blood into the trash.

I'm appalled. My tears are getting bigger.

Who is this man before me, Lord?

My head's dizzy.

My eyes began to blur.

Dann..

It's dark!

***

I fainted again. I was in this room again. The room that might be a silent witness to my change in feelings. I've come to my senses. However, no one is here.

I know for a lifetime that most people fail, but why it still hurts. Not enough all this time? Can't I just live quietly? Why, God? What exactly have you planned?

My tears fell again. But I hurriedly removed it after hearing the clattering of steps someone was approaching. I closed my eyes to look like I was still fainting.

I feel like someone is looking at me how he is expressing it.

Not a word came out of his lips. But why do I feel that someone is still looking at me with a sad look. I know I'm pathetic, but I hate that look. I still pretended to be asleep. Acting is not difficult for me. Because honestly, in Jakarta I used to play movies several times without the knowledge of the house.

I felt one hand touch my right hand that was covered with a blanket hesitantly. I want to cry! Then he slipped his fingers on my fingers, not really touching because there was a blanket between our fingers. From the blanket he held my hand tightly. As if she was afraid of losing me.

Whoever you are now holding my hand from the blanket booth, you managed to make my hand feel tiny, you succeeded! You made me shed tears now!

My tears just came down even though my eyes were still closed.

My tears grew even more as I felt my hand being slammed for a long time from under the blanket. I felt my blanket warm. It seemed like she was crying on my hands.

Is he crying? - my inner.

I want to open my eyes but I can't. I want to see who he is but I can't. I think it's best to stay this way. I fear. I was afraid to find someone I wouldn't expect if I opened my eyes now.

My tears are getting bigger. The hand grip was gone. Did I just dream? I'm disappointed to lose that grip. No, he can't leave me, no matter what. I opened my eyes too quickly. Trying to find the whereabouts of someone I wanted to meet earlier.

And..

When I opened my eyes, I saw Umi.

That person is Umi. It felt a little disappointed to find the fact that Umilah was holding my hand. Who am I expecting?

Umi smiled at me. Her eyes were red and it convinced me that the warmth of my blanket came from the tears of her who already regarded me as her own son. He held my hand. But why does it feel different? Maybe it's just my feelings.

"U-mi?" I said in a makeshift voice. He nodded, his tears falling again. Can I be happy? Just this time there was someone shedding tears just for me. Umi touches my heart so easily, Umi loves me so much, Umi worries about me so much, and Umi cries because of me.

BUT WHY SHOULD UMI? NOT MAMA? – cried out in my heart.

"Why did you do that, honey? Umi does not want to lose Umi's daughter who is most dear to Umi." said Umi. His eyes showed a glimmer of sincerity and honesty. Umi's voice tones vibrate.

I feel so guilty. Just because I was the one he had only known for a few days, with my behavior that could not be said to be good, polite or so on, he shed tears. I'm afraid this is the first time Umi cries for a santri abal-abal like me. Because I know, Umi is always cheerful at her age which is no longer classified as young.

"Nindy is not strong, Umi." I said softly.

This time, my tears can be controlled. So, I can hold it. I felt strange with my body. Why was it that when I pretended to be asleep earlier, I couldn't control my tears? It seems like because I was completely washed away.

Again, I met a dead end. No one really took my side to leave.