Taint

Dilemmas

"Vaalaikumsalam. You are still Mother's child, Kirana. I'm sorry, Mommy needs a minute to calm down, but please don't think about leaving."

Fatimah's words made it difficult for me to open my voice. I thought he would be angry and reluctant to consider me, but unexpectedly, he even confirmed that I was his son. Is it that easy for him to forgive us and accept this fate?

"Bun___" My speech stopped, because the phone connection was cut off unilaterally.

I let out a long sigh, trying to calm the still turbulent feeling. I put my phone back in my pocket, and then I stared at my mother who was also looking at me.

"Your mother's angry?" ask Mother.

"No, Ma." I'm shaking.

"Then?" My mother's gaze looked at me.

"Mother just needs time to calm down. Mother also ... forbid me to go," I replied, slowly.

I saw Mom's eyes blink quickly, maybe she'd be a little heavy if we went back apart. I also actually want to live with Mom, but considering Mas Denis and Bu Fatimah, maybe I should dampen that desire.

"The last two months, I've been living with Denis, because Mom's health has been declining a little bit. They don't let you stay home alone. Actually ... You don't have to worry about Denis and Bayu, son. At that time, they were wrong, but actually, they also felt lost when you left. They're disappointed, but .. they're still hugging your sister, Kirana." Mom wiped the corner of her eyes that started to water.

Clench my lips tightly, I have no words to answer Mom's words. I know the meaning that is implied in it, Mother wishes I would go home and get back together. Something that is hard for me right now. Although later Mas Denis will accept me, but what about Miss Fatimah?

I don't know which choice to make. It is not luxury that makes me heavy to leave Miss Fatimah, but feelings. If only me and Ms. Fatimah had not had a relationship in the past, maybe I could have left easily. As long as I don't forget the goodwill and want to visit regularly, surely everything will be fine. But reality is not that simple. My mother ruined her life and I feel so guilty about it.

I can't change the past, but at least I'll try to fix the past that hasn't happened. As an apology and atone for guilt, I want to do what he wants.

"Do you prefer to stay with your group, Kirana?"

Mother's question came back to me. For a few minutes, I had not found the right answer.

"Mother." I hold my mother's fingers tightly.

Again I have trouble expressing my heart. Mother's tears were getting broken, scraping wounds that were able to silence my mouth.

"You mind staying with Mom?" ask Mom for a second time.

"No objection, ma'am, but .. I also think of Mother. He helped me, and I was the son of someone who had hurt him. All this must be hard for Mother, Mom. I don't mean to refuse Mother's request, but I can't ignore Mother's wishes either. Honestly, my mother's attitude in the past, made me haunted by feelings of guilt. Mother, how about we just discuss this matter together?" I light up to Mom.

Mom was silent for a long time and I waited for her answer with anxious expectation. In the 3rd minute Mother began to nod and agree with my opinion.

_________

The hour hand shows at 03:00 p.m. Me, Mom, Mas Denis, and Ms. Fatimah gathered in the nursery, where Mom lay. Dara is still in her room with the doctor, she is newborn and is not allowed to approach the sick.

The atmosphere between us was quite awkward. Only the roar of breath could be heard clearly every second, because each of us had not yet opened our voices.

"Mother, Mother," called me, breaking the silence.

"Mom wants you back, Kirana," said Mas Denis. Mom and Miss Fatimah didn't talk, so Mas Denis told me.

I bowed while holding my hands. I kept my mouth shut and waited for Ms. Fatimah's response.

"Do you think this is the fairest?"

Mrs Fatimah's voice sounded trembling, maybe she was holding back a cry. Because when I glanced at him, his eyes glazed over.

"I am alone, have no husband, and no children. I'm living alone, what's wrong if I take my husband's son to live with me?" keep up Ms. Fatimah.

"Your husband has no rights over Kirana, Mom, because he did not marry Aunt Farida. Child born out of wedlock, fully belonging to the mother, I'm sure you understand this." Denis looked at Fatimah sharply.

"Yes, I get it. But I really need Kirana. I will love him and treat him like a child. I also do not forbid him to visit your home, nor do I forbid you to visit your home. I didn't stretch the boundaries, I just wanted her to stay with me" Ms Fatimah said, explaining her point.

"We need Kirana too. Mom got sick from thinking about him, and now that they've met, still do you want to separate him? Mother also lives alone, she also needs Kirana to accompany her. You don't be too hard, Kirana is our family, since she was a child she lived with us. Even into the realm of law, we must win" said Mas Denis with higher intonation.

"Don't talk about the law!" Fatimah moved from her seat.

"On custody, I did lose, because Mas Galih and Farida never got married. But don't assume you won. Which family let their children get stuck in the streets. In a pregnant position she became a criminal victim, and nearly committed suicide in Bululawang. Do you know that!" bu Fatimah.

The faces of Mas Denis and Mother immediately stiffened, either shocked or angry. I didn't dare to open my voice, I just lowered my head and hid my teary eyes.

"Kirana__"

"Don't blame him!" Fatimah's mother cut out Mas Denis's sentence.

"I know he's guilty, he's upsetting and perpetuating disgrace in your family, but you shouldn't have kicked him out. If he really did end his life, you think that would make you a saint? No, not at all. Now you're forcing her home, because you love her, or just need someone to look after your mom?" continued Bu Fatimah still with high intonation.

"How dare you judge me that badly. I don't care about your explanation, Kirana will stay with us." Mas Denis' breathing is increasingly hunting, it seems clear if his emotions are getting ignited.

"Denis, it's, son." Mother got up from her sleep.

"Kirana should come with us, ma'am," Mas Denis said firmly.

"Kirana's an adult, let her choose. We are indeed his family, but .. we have also disappointed him. After all, Fatimah also still had a relationship with him." Mother explained with a faint smile.

I don't know why Mom suddenly changed her mind, knowing that I almost committed suicide or because my current expression was pitiful. Whatever the reason, I hope the words are really from the heart.

"But Mom is sick, it would be better if Kirana came home. I'll calm down if___" Mas Denis stopped his words, maybe he realized if his words were not good enough.

I smiled wryly, apparently Mas Denis still hasn't changed. He wanted me to come back not because of honey, but because there was another reason. Ahh, it was just a sincere mother.

"Mbak Ambar, we have known, even though our relationship was not good. Now let's fix our relationship, let me love Kirana and ask her to stay together. This is also the message of Mas Galih. He used to tell me to say sorry to someone, who I believe must be Farida. Mbak need not worry, I will tell one person to accompany Mbak. I also do not curb Kirana, periodically he or we will come to visit Ambar's place." Fatimah sat back in her place.

"Kirana, do you agree with your mother's advice?" ask Mom who made me look up.

"Just obey your heart, son. I'm fine, as long as you're happy. All this time I was worried because I didn't know how you were doing" Mother continued, before I said a word.

Seriate...