Taint

Asa Yang Yang Hirap Returns

"Son, are you okay?" asked Fatimah, when I was silent for a long time.

"I want to sit." I tried to get up, but the pain in my back made it difficult for me to do so. So Fatimah went and helped me.

I sat down while leaning against a pile of pillows. I looked at the face of the soft and shady Madam Fatimah. I tried to dive into his clear black bead, I wanted to feel what was in his heart.

"Whose name are you, son?" ask Ms. Fatimah.

I did not answer immediately, I was still fixated on a single wound that emanated clearly in the corner of the net.

"Son!"

"I am Kirana" I replied, without taking my eyes off.

"Where do you live?" asked Fatimah, who kept me quiet without a word.

Where I live, I don't have it. Ahh, let alone the living quarters, the clothes were only attached to my body. All I have is a life, something I really want to give up.

"I have no home" I replied, softly.

"Where is your family?" Fatimah asked again.

"Nothing" I said, accompanied by tears.

"Lantas, what's your plan, Kirana?"Fatimah looked at me.

"My plan was to go home to God, but it failed" I replied, cynically.

"Are you still thinking about doing something stupid? You don't feel sorry for this baby? Soon he's born, will you take his life?" Fatimah touched my stomach again.

"This world is cruel, it would be better if he never looked at her. He doesn't have a father, the world must have insulted him. I have no family, nor do I have anything. The world has thrown us away, so why do we stay here." I covered my face with my palm, hiding my increasingly uncontrollable cries.

"Cry, if it can lighten your load, but .. don't think no. Everyone must have problems, have their own difficulties. However, there is always wisdom in every event. Take the positive side, and think clearly, that way, you will get calm. Draw near to the Creator and ask Him for guidance." Fatimah rubbed my arm gently.

"I've moved closer, I've repented. But not a clue I get, but a humiliation. My life is not better, but worse. I lost my footing to step up, what's wrong if I want death?" I lifted my face, and I looked at the face of Fatimah.

He let out a long sigh, "Kirana, may I know, what is your religion?"

"I___" Long enough I gave a pause. "Islam," I said, softly. Muslim women should be very easy to recognize, but I ignore my obligations, so that others do not recognize my beliefs.

Fatimah took a deep breath, then she inched, and sat closer to me.

"May you tell me what your problem is, why do you want death?"

"On what basis should I tell you!" I was with high intonation.

"Mom just wanted to help you, Mommy___"

"Do I look bad?" Ms. Fatimah commented a thin smile.

"No." I'm shaking. "It's precisely because Mom looks good, so I don't believe it at all. I'm tired of dealing with good people, all fake, all traitors!" I answered, still in a high voice.

I don't care if he gets angry, the truth is. Nindi, Reza, the moms on the bus, they look good, but they're traitors. They incarnate comrades, even though they are cruel opponents. I don't believe Miss Fatimah, I don't want to fall into the same hole for the umpteenth time.

"Sometimes, past events make us more careful later in life, it's natural that I understand how you feel. Kirana, although I don't know what your problem is, there's a little advice I want to tell you." Fatimah looked at me without a blink.

"God is Most Compassionate and Most Merciful, He will not let His servant be drawn into error. If God takes what we have, it is because God will replace it with a more beautiful one. If God brings down the test, it is because He longs for our complaints. Most people will remember their Lord in times of trouble. No one, my own mother did too. I get guidance, after crashing at the lowest point," continued Bu Fatimah at length.

Again I fell silent, digesting every sentence he uttered. All this time I was far away from Him, I fell asleep in the pleasure of sin, without thinking about the impact and consequences. But I have tried to improve myself. Why did the exam not end?

"Kirana, true repentance, is not enough to stop committing one sin that we have ever lived, but must also be accompanied by increased faith. We follow His commandments and we stay away from His prohibitions. As Muslim women, we are obliged to close the aurat and keep ourselves from the touch of men who are not halal." Fatimah still did not take her eyes off.

I looked down, my throat choked at the last sentence. Closing the aurat and keeping yourself from the touch of men who have not been halal, two things that have not been able to do.

Is this the reason, why God still sends down the test for me?

I looked at Ms. Fatimah's face, there was no trace of falsehood there. Either because he was really good, or because he was very good at hiding expressions. I was in a dilemma. Although his words and attitude were very sincere, I was still reluctant to accept the presence of others.

"Will you stay with Mom?" I asked Fatimah suddenly.

For a long time I was silent, speechless and motionless, just like a breathing statue. I don't have a plan, I don't have a glimmer to make a living. But should I trust him?

"Mother lives alone, I have no family" said Ms Fatimah.

I was still silent, but I gave a fixed look. As if through this netra, I asked her where her family was.

"Mother's marriage ran aground in the middle of the road, and Mother's child .. she's gone home to God." Fatimah's ma.s.sed at the base of her nose, there was a lump of wound implied in her speech.

"Sorry" I said, slowly.

"It's okay, it's fate. So ... how?"

"Where do you live?" ask me before accepting his offer. I remember he said it wasn't real here.

"Malang kota" replied Ms. Fatimah.

My heart was beating fast, as if it was about to jump out of place. I tried so hard to leave that place, should I now go back there? No, I no longer want to deal with the past.

I had just found a path to dream, but it was deadlocked. I was back adrift on a nestapa who had no idea where the limit was.

Seriate...