I'm Not Him

159

Rania Cemetery.

The red soil is covered with a sprinkling of colorful flowers, the headstone named Rania Ramadhania bin Wirawan Subagja is attached. The steps of the people who had prayed for him had begun to move away from the funeral.

Staying alone, Bondan who was still sitting crouching in front of his headstone. His hand still held the headstone and occasionally rubbed it.

The flashback of his meeting with Rania was imagined at that instant. How they met, how they got together for years.

##

Rania's deathly pale face was still remembered by her. Just then, after the examination, Rania looked very tired. Then he suddenly discussed his confusion about determining names for his children.

"I know they're not your children, but do you have a good idea for their name? I'm confused, lately my head hurts when used to think" said Rania as Bondan lay him in bed.

Bondan looked at him with a smile, then put on a face that looked hard thinking.

"Hmmm, what is it?" Bondan asked himself while sitting next to Rania.

Rania grabs her arm and rests her head on Bondan's chest.

"How about Fachri and Farhan, their last names can be taken from your name or Yudi, to appreciate him as a real father"

"Fachri and Farhan Ramadhan, that's good" Rania said suddenly on the sidelines of Bondan's talks.

"Wouldn't Yudi be angry that we decided on their names without his consent?" ask Bondan.

Rania just shut up, she's asleep. Bondan slowly laid him down.

The next day he confirmed Rania's decision again. But dear, Rania doesn't seem to remember what they talked about yesterday.

Rania asks to go to the cafe she used to visit by forcing her like a child. Bondan feels that Rania's situation is getting worse.

##

But he never thought he would be given the chance to make Rania his wife. Now he had to work hard again to hold back the longing for Rania. Which will now be harder to meet with.

~Somewhat should I do without you. Your smile, the touch of your hand, everything about you I can still clearly see and feel. Thank you Rania, my love, thank you for being the sweetest part of my life. Thank you for giving me such wonderful memories to remember. I love you!~ says Bondan's heart while looking at Rania's headstone.

Bondan leaves Rania's grave. With heavy strides, he left with all the memories in his heart and mind.

###

I returned from the funeral early. She sat in the waiting room of the baby room. Her eyes looked towards the entrance and saw a nun coming out from there.

"Sus, how are Rania's babies?" ask Yudi who stood up immediately.

"Well, they're very strong sir!" answer sister.

"Is all his needs enough?" ask Yudi worriedly.

"Yes, that's enough. Mr. Bondan has asked us to provide it. He also chose formula milk for Fachri and Farhan babies" explained the nurse.

"Fachri, Farhan?" Yudi made sure of what he heard

"Yes sir, Mr. Bondan gave the name. It's also because the baby's mother is dead, so it's easier to call by their own name" explained the nurse.

"Oh, yes, I have. Thanks Sus!"

"Together Sir!"

~They are my children, why he who is busy preparing his needs, also gave a name. I should have been the more entitled, I am their father not he~ Yudi said.

Yudi rounded his fist. He's feeling pissed.

Just a moment ago, Dila came and noticed Yudi who asked the sisters. Dila saw Yudi was not happy with the sister's explanation.

Dila approached with slow steps, wanting to know what Yudi was muttering. But Yudi only spoke in his heart. Dila was very sure she was upset.

"Bondan is one step ahead of you. He is clearly very competent in various ways. Also in paying attention to the children of the woman he loved so much" said Dila.

Yudi turned his head, then glared and sighed loudly.

"They're Rania's children, good women. Many people loved him, especially his children. Everyone will prioritize their happiness over any competition. Isn't that right, Aunty Dila?"

Dila smiled grinning.

"Are you not interested in taking custody of them?" ask Dila to the point.

Yudi looked at Dila's shadow from the glass.

"I'm single, even though I really want to do it and it's my right. But I can't be selfish, I can't take care of them if they're not married and legally worthy to take care of them"

Dila looked at Yudi's face as she said all that. He was amazed, feeling that Yudi had turned more mature. Dila smiled then looked at the twins.

"You changed, I'd rather. How about we get married? You can get custody if we get married, right?" Dila gave me an idea.

Yudi lowered his gaze.

"I don't want to torture you again in the uncertainty circle of my heart Dila"

Dila looked at Yudi because of his unexpected words.

"I can't deny that Rania's shadow is always in my eyes when I see you. Maybe right, from the beginning I did love him"

Dila shed her tears.

"I will always be the real father of Fachri and Farhan. I will do my best for them. So, you should also be a good aunty for them. Do everything that is best for them. Above your feelings for me, above all else"

Yudi looked at Dila who wiped her tears. He grabbed Dila's hand and grabbed it. The other hand rubbed Dila's tears on her cheek. Dila leaned her head against Yudi's chest. The two of them looked towards the baby room where baby Fachri and Farhan were moving cutely.

###

Vero was still crying staring at their photo album while on vacation in America. The photos were taken while they ate together at the restaurant until the last time Rania wore her wedding kebaya. Vero rubbed his face, his sadness felt even more, as he saw how much he had lost Rania.

Arumi approached and held her shoulder. Vero looked, he could not hold back anymore. Arumi hugged her, Vero cried in her arms.

"You have to be strong, baby Fachri and Farhan, they need you" Arumi said in tears.

Vero wiped his tears, he took off his embrace and clasped his wife's hand.

"Yes, you're right. You and our baby need me too. Rania will be angry if I continue to grieve like this. Aye right?" said Vero.

Arumi nodded. Vero looked at Arumi's stomach and rubbed it.

"Sorry papa yes dear, from now on papa will not ignore you as your mama again. Papa will focus on you and your twin cousins. We'll be happy, just like Rania's aunty wishes" Vero said.