I'm Not a Wild Grass

Disconnect (POV Laila)

"Lan, I think we should just break up" I told Erlan abruptly.

Since Kiyano arrived this morning, I have been thinking about many things. About my feelings that are still unstable, as well as my relationship with Erlan.

I felt unfair and guilty towards Erlan, after I realized that my love for Kiyano was still very big. I'm not even sure when this feeling will go away. Because every time I met him, I was always wracked with the desire to scatter myself in the arms of the man.

Stupid, isn't it me?

Though I know, that Kiyano has been owned by another woman. So why does this heart not want to be invited to negotiate to forget it? Why do I still have hope of getting back together with that young man?

Why not just Erlan? That young man is the best man currently closest to me? Why is it that my heart is not moved to love her, as I am moved to love Kiyano?

I want to cut this chest, and I just engrave Erlan's name on my heart. If only it could make me switch to loving Erlan. I wish I could really do it. But unfortunately, that was just my imagination.

After I evaluated myself, until I even often ignored Erlan who walked beside me while looking for her birthday gift Mama Ilmaya, I finally came to a decision.

That I should end my relationship with Erlan.

I don't want to hurt that young man any longer or any deeper. Let him achieve his own happiness with another woman who can love him, as much as he loves me now.

I don't want to draw Erlan into my gray love destiny. Which I myself do not know when I will rediscover the beautiful rainbow in the path of my love.

After breaking up with Erlan, obviously, I won't be looking for Kiyano either. My principles remain the same. That I don't want to be weeds in someone else's yard. That I don't want to be a destroyer in Kiyano and Bella's marriage.

Let me go through my own time first. I hope that with my solitude later, I will no longer trouble the hearts of others. And I will find my own oasis in this arid field of love.

Back to this moment..

Erlan stared at me confused for some time. So I had to go back and repeat my statement.

"Lan, I think we should just break up" I repeated.

Then I saw Erlan's eyes blink rapidly.

"What La? It seems I heard wrong." Erlan said in a slightly trembling voice.

I first swallowed. It felt like my own mouth was hard to say this sentence that I was about to say. But I have to tell Erlan. Because I did this for the good of the young man too.

"I want us to break up, Lan. I feel that our relationship will not be able to continue to a more serious level. I'm.."

Suddenly Erlan cut off my words. First he took my orange juice glass and poured the contents into his nearly empty soda glass. Then I was surprised by a silver ring at the bottom of my orange juice glass.

"We can be even more serious, La! I have prepared this beautiful silver ring for you. Look at this, La!"

Erlan got up from her chair and walked up to where I was sitting. Then he half knelt in front of me and grabbed my left hand.

"Lan. please. Don't do this. I'm serious as I said earlier, Lan," I tried to resist Erlan's attempt to pin the silver ring onto my finger.

"No, La. You're gonna beat me up, okay. We can move on to a more serious relationship, La. We can get married, have children, until life ages along with a lot of grandchildren. You just tell me, how many kids do you want? We're gonna build a family with as many kids as you want!" Erlan said quite long.

Hearing Erlan's last words, I wanted to cry. Although there was also a slight annoyance towards the young man in front of me.

'Have as many kids as I want? What does she think I want to have as many children as I can?! That's a lot of football teams, huh? The heat!' dumel me in my heart.

But I refrained from patting Erlan on the cheek. Because the focus of our conversation is not about the number of children we will have later. Except for my desire to break up with him.

Erlan then pinned the silver ring that has a decoration of two small flowers that interlock in the middle, it to my ring finger.

"Look, La. The ring fits perfectly with your finger, doesn't it? It means my choice is right, doesn't it, La? So, don't tell me you're breaking up, La. Because I want to get married and live with you," Erlan said, looking straight into my eyes.

I stared fixedly at the ring that was embedded with her beautiful on my ring finger. Then I looked at Erlan who was still staring expectantly at me.

I also realized that the attitude of Erlan who was still kneeling in front of me had now attracted the attention of other visitors in the restaurant. So first I asked Erlan to wake up.

"Wake, Lan. Sit down again in your chair, "I give you the word.

Erlan who was staring anxiously at me, finally got up also from her kneeling position. He then returned to his chair earlier, still with the position of the hand that holds my fingers that had been embedded in the ring of his gift earlier.

After Erlan returned to her seat, I resumed my speech.

"What are you talking about, La? I don't feel bothered anyway," Erlan cut.

"Please, listen to me first, Lan. I really need to talk to you a few things first. You want to beat me up?"

"No, if it's about breaking up."

"Hh. I need you now as my friend, Lan. (i need you as a friend right now, Lan.) please hear me out (please listen to me).. you promised me to always be my friend whenever and no matter what happens, right?" I'm taking Erlan's appointment.

"Shi.it! Don't be evil gini dong, La.." said Erlan while lowering his head.

I grabbed Erlan's other hand and I put it together with my own.

"I'm sorry, Lan. But I would be even more evil to you if I let you get dragged into an unclear relationship with me, Lan. You should know this, Lan. I don't feel sure we can continue our relationship to a more serious level with you right now."

"Currently? Then later you can, right, La?" Erlan asked making her own expectations.

"No, Lan. I mean, I don't know when I'm sure I can move on and have a serious relationship with another guy. Because of that, I don't want you to exhaust your youth to wait for something uncertain. I hope you can find another woman who can be happy together with you. does not make you hang like I do now.." I said at length.

"Does this have anything to do with your ex? Kiyano?" Terka Erlan was very precise.

Our two neutrals were tied to each other for quite some time. In the end, I also gave my greatest recognition to Erlan, which became the main basis for me ending our relationship.

"Yes, Lan. I still love her. Loved her so much that even I could not measure my love for her."

"..."

"..."

"Can't you think about it anymore, La?. Can't you give me a chance to replace him?" Erlan asked in a voice that was almost like a whisper.

"..."

"..."

"Hh. I'm not sure if I can forget how I feel about her, Lan. He is like the sky in my life. And I am like his earth. Although we are in a position that makes us unable to unite, but I really need it," said I while philosophizing.

At once Erlan also removed her hand from my finger link. Then he looked at me fiercely and again asked one last question.

"Does that mean you want to go back to him? he's married, La!"

I'm silent. I feel like I shouldn't have to answer Erlan's questions.

Suddenly Erlan got up and turned around to look at me. I looked at the burly back of the young man with a heart that felt agonized. I don't know why I've been wracked with the desire to apologize to Erlan. Or say whatever the man in front of me wants, so he doesn't leave me now.

But I strengthened myself. I looked at Erlan's back that looked so sturdy and distant, with a look of agony.

"Then, we might as well split up here, La. I'm sorry if all my attitude makes you sick or tired."

And Erlan went away. Leaving the silver ring that had now fallen to the floor in its first steps as it left me alone.

The ring fell down and rolled until it finally stopped near my feet. Then with a sad heart, I took the two-chain engraved ring, then I looked at it for a long time.

After Erlan's figure was no longer visible to my netra, I turned my gaze towards the window. My gaze was then blurred by a circle of clear crystals that flowed silently above my cheeks.

I wept.

I cried my farewell to Erlan.

I cried my farewell to a friend.

Also weeping over the path of our love which should be ended by my own verbal.

"I'm sorry, Lan.hiks..hiks.."

***