I'm Not a Wild Grass

Survival (POV Laila)

Ever since the funeral, I feel like my world is empty.

Accustomed to sleeping alone with Erlan, with him always rubbing my back and waist in every night. Now I have to hold my pills alone. It keeps me almost awake until late at night.

I often sit in front of my porch. Looking into the distance with a blank look. Wish I could get back to seeing Erlan's figure who usually always comes home on time at 5 pm.

I'm not crying. Not in front of people. But my tears broke when I had to go through my long lonely nights of chatter with Erlan. I feel so lonely.

Unconsciously, I began to rarely speak. My mouth rarely makes a sound. My smile was pulled away by fate. When Erlan returned to face Him.

Although I always told myself to let go, but still. That sadness still holds me so tightly.

It was as if my life force had been taken away by my husband to the afterlife. I also acted like a living body that no longer had a soul.

"Son, eat again. Poor those kids in your stomach, son. You're so much thinner now" Mama Mutia scolded one day.

I looked at my own wrist. And just realized that Mama's words had a point.

My hands that had been stocky about a month ago, now back to care like when I was young.

"Lail eneg, Ma. "I answered briefly.

"You want to buy me an orange, son? Make it disappearin eneg.." Mama offers options.

I'm shaking. Without smiling. "No, Ma.."

"Or what do you want to eat, son? French fries? The poulet? Ice cream? Tell Mama Darling, Mama will buy it."

I shake again.

"No, Ma.."

A moment later, I was stunned when Mama suddenly hugged me. And then I heard her sobs near my ears.

"Don't look like this, honey, you have to be passionate to stay alive! For the sake of the children in your stomach, La."

For a moment, I couldn't say anything to answer Mom's statement. My eyes are still staring into the distance. It looks like the sky is starting to reddish in the Western horizon there. A sign of twilight that begins to cross the sky.

"Erlan will also be sad to see you continue like this, son," said Mama suddenly.

Hearing my husband's name called, instantly my eyes condensed. I tried to hold the dam in my eyes so as not to break it.

After I managed to refrain from crying, I finally replied to Mama's words.

"But Erlan's gone, Ma.. So Laila can't see him anymore." I said in a hurtful whisper.

"Yes..."

And my mother kept crying while hugging me tight. While I still continued to look up at the empty sky above.

The emptiness that I also felt began to make this gaping hole in my heart.

I really feel like my world is empty.

***

The day keeps changing. Unknowingly, it's been a month since the last time I saw my sun, Erlan.

I left my love wrapped in a cold blanket of shroud. Somehow now looks like my Erlan. To be sure, it was her smiling face that always haunted my long nights.

Slowly, my longing for Erlan began to consume my life force. Like a lamp that loses its electrical power, I go through my days with a heart that is always grim again durja.

All this continued until God rebuked me in one incident. When I almost lost dede to 1 and also 2.

Yep. I almost miscarried.

...

A few days before that I started throwing up again. I thought I might just catch a cold because my appetite has been getting worse lately.

However, one afternoon Papa took me to see the Ira Doctor Clinic. Doctor Ira gave me a diagnosis that made my world feel turned upside down right then and there.

According Dr. Ira, my fetus is in a nutrition mall. So if not immediately followed up then it is likely that I will lose them both.

When I heard Dr. That Ira, I can't say anything. My gaze focused on the two fetuses I could see on the USG screen before me.

When I saw the two dede utun it was finally awakened. I really felt slapped by God right then and there.

It is because of my negligence that I have tortured both children in my womb.

It was because of my long-lasting grief that I had neglected our two children (me and Erlan).

Anyway, I can't let my two kids go with their Papa.

I don't want to be left behind by either.

At that moment I was crying.

'I'm sorry, Mama, son.I'm sorry, Mama.. Mama has forgotten that you are also still there to accompany Mama in this world. Hold on, son. We hang on together. Don't go following Papa either. Mama really loves you guys..!' my heart screams in a sobbing that inaudible sound.

In the end, I followed Dr. ira's advice to be hospitalized. Through proper handling, thank goodness my two fetuses could be saved. Even though I have to rest in the hospital until the birth of my two children.

But I no longer disput Dr. Ira. I also force myself to eat as much as I can. I try to share my smile with the people around me.

Obviously, I tried to re-knit the happiness in my life.

I was never left alone in the hospital. My mother always accompanied me. Or sometimes also Papa, Darman, Arline and also Mama Ilmaya.

Everyone encouraged me to move on with my life. So that I can re-create my own happiness.

They also kept reminding me that I would never live this life alone. Because everyone will walk with me on this path of my life.

I was moved, awakened, and finally regretted my abandonment of those who loved me. Please apologize to all those I have made sad during my mourning period for losing Erlan.

Especially to Nunik. She who was preoccupied by her 3-month-old Baby Nan, often visited me to the hospital.

I vividly remember one word Nunik said to me during one of his visits.

"Death is also one of the test processes, il. Exams for the dead, as well as for those left behind. Will we be able to interpret death as a delayed encounter, or not. Because basically death is a delayed reunion, il,"

"Aren't we going to be reunited in another world? So, be patient until the time comes for us to end in the world. Survive all the processes in this life. And get ready for the meeting that we will definitely experience later," said Nunik advising me first.

***