I'm Not a Wild Grass

Dreams (POV Laila)

I was in a vast meadow that I could not measure with both eyes.

A windless meadow, with an invisible wash of sunlight in any part of the sky.

I walked alone in the quiet meadow of that voice. My steps kept me walking on the soft green grass under my bare feet.

Somehow I was able to be in this meadow. And where I'm going right now, I don't know.

All I know is that I keep going and going somewhere I don't know.

My steps came to a halt when a small sparrow suddenly landed on my shoulder. I extended my hand towards the spot where the sparrow was perching at the moment, in order to catch the little bird.

Unfortunately, the bird refused to be caught. And it's flying around over my head.

Many times I tried to reach him, but the bird seemed to invite me to play around. He always flies high whenever I want to catch him.

'Basic bird sucks!' dumel me in my heart.

Strangely enough, my heart really moved to be able to catch the sparrow. I don't know for what reason.

And the act of catching the bird continued for a long time. Until then, suddenly the bird darted fast and pecked my head on the forehead. Tuk.

"Aww!" I screamed sick.

But had not had time to react anything to the sparrow, when I experienced something magical at the same moment.

I heard Erlan's voice speaking as if through the beak of the little bird.

'Leave me in the past, La.' Erlan's voice rang out in my mind.

Stunned by what had just happened, I immediately grabbed a bird that somehow seemed unable to fly back.

The sparrow almost fell down on the green grass, if only I hadn't rushed to catch it with my hands.

With a pushy look, I kicked the body of the bird many times. But the bird looks even more limp and looks like it will die.

"No! Nay! Help u! Don't die either!" I blurted, begging the bird to fly back to my steps like that.

But alas, the wings of the bird look stiff and increasingly shriveled, hugging his own tiny body.

I fell on my knees and cried.

"Erlane! Erlans! Don't leave! Please!" My screams broke the silence in this silent expanse of grass.

I hugged the body of the bird that was now drooping weakly right near the position of my heart. Hoping that my heartbeat could be contagious or even just move on the body of the bird that I'm hugging now.

"Hiks. hiks.." My cry became a sad sedan.

Somehow I felt a sense of foreboding that the bird wanted to say something before the power of death took its life.

As if I understood it myself, I brought the bird's beak close to my forehead. And, back, I heard Erlan's voice slipping into my mind through the medium of the slow patting of the bird's beak.

"I love you, La. forever and ever.." whispered Erlan's voice vibrating inwardly and inwardly.

And then the bird in my hand died. Although many times I stomped his body again, but the bird did not wake up again.

My crying finally broke again. No words can come out of my mouth.

I was crying in a mute. With just a sobbing that kept each other connected for a time I don't know how long it was.

...

At that moment, I finally woke up from that strange dream.

I looked at the room where Erlan and I had once been in love, with eyes that I realized had been wet ever since I woke up from a strange dream.

I still remember what I dreamed. And I can still clearly hear Erlan's voice speaking through the sparrow's beak in a dream.

I realized that my throat was dry and my face was soaked with tears. I cried not only in my dreams. But in the real world I cry too.

My hands held each other in front of my chest at that moment. With a heart that was really fixed, I opened my hand hoping I could see the figure of the sparrow.

Although obviously, without even opening my hands I could already know that my dream was just a dream. Even with or without Erlan's voice that still stuck real in my mind.

'Leave me in the past, La. I love you, La. forever and ever.' Erlan's voice came back.

I looked at my empty hands. And I felt the emptiness that had filled my heart since Erlan left me six years ago.

I started crying again in the end. Realizing the meaning of the dream I just experienced earlier means what.

Erlan wanted me to leave her in the past, she wanted me to be able to look back at my future with an upright view facing forward. Not only turned to look back, where I had left her in the cemetery behind Mama Ilmaya's house.

I really need to move on. No more limiting myself to every opportunity that comes my way. So that I can achieve my happiness from all sides.

Erlan wanted me to be truly happy. And he also wanted me to remember him as someone who was ever present in my life. I have loved me seriously. Until death separates the paths of both of us.

I shed the rest of the pain and emptiness I felt all along, on this cold night. Without noise. Just a bunch of stuffing each other together.

I covered my face with my hands that were no longer clasped. Above both knees that are half lifted.

"I love you, Lan.. forever. and ever.." I whispered in the empty wind in this quiet room.

***