Not Same Again

What do you want

Is life always that way? Though I think that I have done the right thing, but in reality I feel very heavy in living it.

What if I feel a little tired on the way or a little bit lost maybe?

I chose wrong to come here! I think I will be well received and treated well. In fact, what am I dealing with now?

Besides, sitting still by continuing to look at him who is also looking at me sharply at this time.

Yes, Papa has changed as many of them have changed. I guess he's the only one who's gonna be on my side right now. However, I was wrong. He even looked at me in a gutsy way, different when he greeted me warmly in his office earlier.

Is it all just a pretense?

Stupid, it was obvious he was just pretending. Why are you still trying to guess?

"Don't you have the brain to understand a little bit and understand what I said last day? When you called me!" he opened the conversation in a loud voice.

"Didn't you have a good hearing? Don't you have the feeling to understand others a little? How many times do I have to say. You don't have to see me anymore!" he shouted with anger.

"What are you here for? Are you deaf and blind to the reality that's going on between us?" intimidates investigation.

"How many times have I told you. Don't meet me! Do I need to say it again now?" ask her with a red face.

"Your every existence reminds me of him. Damn, I don't like that atmosphere! Don't you know how much I struggled to let go and let go? I've been trying for years Sena!

You want to know why I never came back after the end of that year?" His question was full of anger by continuing to look at me sharply and unfortunately I was still strong to stare and listen to everything with our distance of only 2 meters maybe.

"Because of seeing you. Makes me feel pointless trying to forget it if in the end I have to go back to feeling guilty and not being able to let go of everything about it!" Tutored firmly.

"Pa!" I said with a meaningful look.

"Don't call me that! If you just keep torturing me like this! You better be alive and far from my sight! That'll help me a little!" he insisted expectantly.

"You're an adult, aren't you? Live with yourself, if you still want me to think of your existence!" Speech weakens.

"If you think humans are more afraid of losing someone. So I think humans are more afraid of losing the memories that people leave behind than they are of separation. And, if parting is the only solution to keep those memories, why don't I do it?" he said smiling thinly.

"We can part ways well, right? Enjoying life alone?" tanyanya while looking at me.

A few minutes later, in the same position....

"As long as I live. Today I just found out and just heard that it turns out a father and son can part well because one of them does not want to lose the memories left behind from the departure of someone who will never back!" kataku chuckles.

"Then. You're gonna be in the know now, aren't you?" he said so confident.

"How can you say you're a husband who will keep the memories your wife left behind, if you don't want me?" I said a little cynically in front of him in disbelief of what I was hearing just now.

"Very can! For me, I can do it!" Her speech.

"By making us not know each other even? You still think you're keeping memories?" my question is full of search.

"Yes!" Answer's sure.

"Hahah-, And today you yourself have broken a principle that I have planted with you since childhood. That father is a living example and a good example for me! I can't even believe that anymore! Do you also need to calculate the loss profit you are living me from small?" tanyaku.

"no need. You just go away and get away from me has paid for everything!" His word.

"good.  To this day, you still forget something important in your life!" I laugh in smell.

"Live by doing what you want to do from now on, you don't have to assume I exist. Because I do that too. Please go and never see me again!" he ended our conversation that afternoon.

"good. If this is your will. But you forget one thing, if I'm also actually one of the memories he left for you!" I got up and went to the exit of the room. Yet...

"And you also forget one thing that your presence is a bittersweet memory that he left for me. If you hadn't been there maybe he wouldn't have gone by then!" he said that almost made my defense collapse but I can still withstand it.

"I think time is coming. He will recover and stop blaming me for his disappearance. But, apparently not to this day. Even we were not family anymore according to him from this moment on," I murmured in my footsteps and took me away from that place.

But far from what I expected. I thought I'd cry as hard as I could to feel relieved. There is no trace of tears at this time. In addition to straight eyes, blank stares and my thoughts were constantly reassuring that I would be fine.

But, this hurts so much. My chest is so tight. Even when I was breathing it was very difficult.

Yes, in the end I managed to harbor this pain myself again. Which might overflow at any time if I wanted to.

I fell back down at this time.

'

'

Her night....

I feel, I do not need to hurt myself to keep the pain they incite. Time is medicine and I will heal by myself.

In the end, what we really want is to live together with the people we care about. Just that simple. Because it's too simple until I forget, that I have a past that is unacceptable to the person I want to be now.

Live happily with the people we care about, until we do not have to be afraid to put trust, lean on tired shoulders and a comfortable place home.

Living with those who understand most of us will be afraid of the circumstances that make us up why-why is a desire that only stops being 'if' for me now.

It turns out that fate is as joking as it is sometimes.

Now all would have stayed if.

My phone was also connected to the person I was going to...

"Hello" he said with his always-same soft voice and tone. Makes me feel calm for a moment and return well every time I hear it if I am chattering because of anger, ridicule or even when we are joking.

"Van! I managed to fall back in the end!" I said without answering the greeting from the person across.

"Tell me," the answer is always the same even.

"When it feels natural that I feel tired and confused about this life. It's not that I don't know myself or I'm not grateful to be living my life. But humans are still human. And I am also a human being who has a heart, has expectations, has abilities that have limits. Am I wrong?" my word.

"Sister! You have the right to be angry, disappointed, tired and even have the right to expect! Wh why? Didn't go according to plan?" Ask Ivan there.

"Even everything happens beyond my reasoning!" weakened answer.

"Sister," said Ivan I cut.

"Yes. Brother's meeting him!" I answered a question he hadn't asked.

"Whoahs. I'm not even wrong to explain it!" It's exciting there.

"Hmm, you will always be like that. And I don't know when I can't not tell you all about this!" my spoken.

"Never stop like this. We are family and forever it will always be like this" Ivan smiled, although Sena could not see him.

"Even you know best how I live and breathe today!" I said with teary eyes. Realizing that he who is not my family or siblings also understands me very well.

"Gue is an elusive figure. A person who has a rapid change in emotions. Sometimes I also become a selfish person, who expects others to understand me well without ever understanding me too, even though I myself do not even have the ability to understand myself well too!" I said chuckling remembering and contemplating how I really am.

"But, unfortunately. I'm the one who will try to understand big brother!" Ivan replied, chuckling across the street.

"Don't feel alone. Just live as usual. As if there were no burdens or problems. Sis!" Call Ivan at the end he said.

"Hm," I replied, focusing on hearing it.

"Go home! I am there and waiting for my brother's return!

I will be the family as well as the most comfortable place to go home for my sister. Anytime!" Ivan said softly and there was no coercion at all.