Best Defense

He's home!

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***

With lazy and limp steps I returned home. I was terrified and anxious to cover up with a fake smile that I forced after Dave said goodbye and turned around. I opened the door and found Mom sitting alone on the living room couch, waiting for me with an anxious look on her face. I took another deep breath before I stepped in.

My hands took off the high heels on my feet and left them in the middle of the room. "Mom" I said, trying to sound ordinary. Don't let me know about my problems with Sean. Let me finish it. I don't want you to worry and feel guilty about my husband. He was too old for this heavy burden.

Mother looked at me who walked over, then stood up to greet me, "Panda," she softly muttered. Mother moved forward with an anxious expression, "It's better?" he asked, both of his hands touched the base of my arms and rubbed gently. I could see the look of worry on his old, wrinkled face.

I nodded, I raised both corners of my lips so that he would calm down, "Yes, much better." said without hesitation.

Catching Mom's smiling face, I calmed down because she believed my answer. "Get some rest, you haven't slept well since last night."

I nodded, but a second later my mind floated on my husband who, somewhere, worried and missed him. What is he doing now, what about the wound in his hand, is he crying, has he eaten, is he thinking about me now? For God's sake, I miss him.

"She must be fine." I gasped at Mom's words that blew my daydream. Both of his hands hugged me. Unknowingly I sobbed and hugged her back tightly.

"Mom, I'm afraid." I said softly, I couldn't bear to cover my feelings. I'm too fragile to force myself to face this alone. My sobs were getting louder until my body shook violently in Mother's arms.

"It's okay, honey. It's okay..."

Mom tried to calm me down with repeated pats on my back. "I'm scared, Mom. I'm afraid she hates me, I'm afraid she's leaving me.." I said on the sidelines sobbing. My chest is getting tighter until it feels like I want to die.

"No, baby. Not this one's. He loves you so much, Sean will come back to you. Whatever happened in the past, it's not your fault at all. I'm sure he's a wise man."

I fell silent and withdrew from Mom's embrace, "Wait, you know this?" my question is, my probing gaze is directed at Mom.

Mother sighed, turning her face away from me. His hands were squeezing each other, "Mom!" I made a half-screaming voice while shaking his hand. I looked at him in frustration, while he had not yet opened his voice. "Mom, please!" i said again. And he nodded.

My eyes closed, my hands clenched at my side. I took a deep breath and again asked, "Did Ed and Mia also know this?" tanyaku.

Mother nodded again. "Yes, they know."

I'm limp. My legs are not strong enough to support my body. I slumped and sat on the cold floor. All the feelings raging in my heart increased many times over. The pain I think is getting worse when Mom says it. I don't understand why people I love lie to me like this. Why else would I be treated like a fool, and even now my own family is covering up the problems involving me and my husband. Oh, myGod! What's wrong with my life?

"Panda..." Mother kneels before me.

Yeah, God! I have often faced the harsh reality that has plagued my life, but it made me not as loud as before because I never thought that my mother, whom I considered the most magnanimous being on earth, was doing the same to me. And now I hate him because it means he fooled me like everyone else.

Edward and Mia? Gosh... What family do I have? Why did God send them to me so badly? Of all the people who live in the world, why should I experience this? Why should my life be ruined so many times? Why should I always be treated so cruelly?

I realized my only family was Ben. Only that little, tiny baby would not betray me, only my son would accompany me against such cruel and heartless humans as them. Oh, my God, my poor son.

I got off the bed, almost jumping, half running I went to my son's room. After entering his room, I found Ben huddled in bed with a nanny I didn't know. Not wanting to talk and say hello, I lifted up my son's body and brought him to my room. I don't care about the confused look the nanny put on me.

I lay with my son who was not disturbed in the slightest with me who took him to move into my room. I was amazed to see her beautiful face, such an adorable face. Looking at him calmed my uncertain feelings a little. I don't know how much trouble I'm having, in the end it's Ben who always calms me down, oh, my husband too. But unfortunately, he's not here right now.

My handsome husband, who loves me, is currently disappointed and may be angry with me. The past unites us in a miraculous way, but it is the past that separates us in a very painful way. I don't know what words I'm worth saying to her if we meet later, but I'm not going to leave her even if she pushes me out of her life because I love her.

After looking at my son's face, I got out of bed to clean myself up. I just felt my body gooey and tired. Slowly my feet galloped towards the bathroom, while walking I grabbed the hairband from the dresser and tied my hair high.

I stood in front of the sink to clean the rest of the makeup on my face first. I looked at the reflection of my face in the mirror. Damn, why do I look so horrible! My face was so pitiful with red eyes, thick eye bags, and dark circles in my eyes, that even the makeup I had not cleaned could not cover it.

"Stop, Pandas! Stop being ugly!"

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I repeated it a few times until I gave up. I can't do it. I didn't manage to calm my crazy self because of my husband. "It hurts too much, God!" I'm desperate. I was crying enjoying the pain that was stabbing in my chest. Next to my hand squeezes the chest, while the hand whose cloth rests on the edge of the sink.

"Stop, Pandas!" I snatch at myself.

With my heart still broken, I forced myself to take a bath and clean myself. Both of my hands pulled off my dress through my head, after which I accidentally saw there was a part of my stomach that was blue as a golf ball through the reflection of a mirror. My memory goes back to what happened in my husband's office this afternoon, "Yes, Lord.." I said as I touched the bruised part.

Why is everything like this? If I may feel I want to die rather than live a tormented life constantly. A cruel world is no match for my fragile self, I really won't last much longer in this place.

My thoughts continued to drift on my husband throughout my bath, I even forgot to enjoy the aromatherapy soap I was using. Sean's anger made me daze and feel guilty. My family and I are making their miserable lives even more ruined.

After crying enough and throwing all my feelings in the bathtub, I went to rinse my body under the shower, then my hand reached for the bathrobe that hung beside the sink.

I just walked a step from the bathroom door, then suddenly my legs were shaking and my tears were flowing more and more. My husband came, he stood by the bed and stared intently at me. His bleeding back made me panic. My feet stepped forward and he said, "Antar Ben to his room."

***

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