Best Defense

Painfully.

I woke up from my sleep when I heard the creaking sound of the rails of the window curtain sliding open quickly. Suddenly the bright morning sunlight entered through the window panes on my face. I raised one hand to protect the eye from its dazzling light and made both eyes throb.

The sharp aroma of medicines and disinfectants slowly pierced my nose. I clasped the edge of the blanket that covered half of my body, trying to blink a few times to ward off my foggy thoughts.

"Good morning,"

I turned my head and found a female nurse dressed in green standing next to the window curtain of the room I was in. He walked across the room, his footsteps echoing the sound of subtle taps on the floor surface as he approached towards me.

The nurse reached out to check the infusion tube that was stuck in my left hand, then observed the droplets of liquid from inside the ampoule and then wrote something in the notebook she was carrying.

"This is a good sign, it looks like you can go home today, ma'am" he said lightly. I can catch a happy tone in his voice.

Without me being able to stop, my mind began to wander. Replaying all activities before I lay in this place. I gulped with difficulty as consciousness slowly began to seep into my mind. Little by little, like pieces of a puzzle put together, I could remember the last thing I saw on the news that night, before I lost consciousness.

..."Officers pulled the car from the bottom of the ravine, freeing a barely recognizable corpse from within the frame of his badly damaged car."...

When I heard them the driver's name, that's when I felt my world turn upside down, then everything darkened.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" the nurse's voice moved my mind.

It's not me I'm worried about, I said in my heart.

The pain suddenly hit my chest, making my whole body stiffen and shiver. The pain I can't describe anymore, until it feels like I could die that very second. A part of my brain tried to resist it, trying to think that maybe my memory was being messed up because of my current condition.

As people often say, when you are not in a good state your mind may create another misleading consciousness. As a picture of the thing you fear the most.

"Ma'am, do you remember what happened?" the nurse's voice echoed in my head, bouncing like I was in a tunnel. "They said someone found you passed out at the restaurant, then took you to the hospital."

I shook my head, trying to cast away those painful shadows.

"No?" the nurse muttered again, misinterpreting the movement of my head. "Don't worry, it's natural, especially after hours of unconsciousness, but you'll remember it as soon as the medicine I just gave you starts working."

Stop the. Please, stop. Stop talking. I want to scream at him.

The shadows I saw now seemed clearer in my mind. I closed my eyes hard.

"We'll wait for the doctor this morning to confirm your condition. Early diagnosis of no trauma or brain injury to your head, and that's great." I heard him sigh, then I felt my fingers gently squeezed.

"It must be heavy for you. I heard the news on TV and it was terrible." I wanted to shake his hand, tell him to stop talking to me, or disappear from my sight, but I was too weak to do anything. "I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. My colleague said the accident." His words were interrupted when the sound of the door of the room shifted open.

I opened my eyes and saw my mother and Edward step into the room. The faces of both of them looked anxious and tired. My mother's eyes widened when she looked at me, and then she rushed up to me.

"She's fine, just a little confused" the nurse said, explaining without being asked. He took my hand off and took a step back to make room for my mother to get closer to the side of the bed. "I have to check on other patients, just call the nurse if.well, maybe you need help."

I looked at his back until the nurse disappeared out of the room before turning my eyes towards my mother.

He leaned over, rubbing my head. "What do you feel?" His eyes looked at my face.

"Mom..." I tried to speak in a choked voice and my tears started to pool.

My mother quickly grabbed me and hugged my trembling shoulders. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything, sweetie." There was sadness in his voice. "It's okay." He kept repeating it like a mantra while holding his hand that wrapped around my body. "Everything's gonna be okay."

My mother looked at me with a look of despair, she clasped my hand and shook her head weakly. I turned my head around Edward. "Ed. please, tell me that's not true. He can't be..."

Edward showed the same expression as my mother. "I'm really sorry, Panda. Dean just called me, and he said the body was here, and they were arranging the funeral."

"No, please don't..." I cried, buried my face in both palms of my hands. The pain that was raining down on my chest was now getting worse, as if someone had stuck a dagger right in my heart, then left a deep wound just like that.

***

"How far can you go?"

I looked into her blue eyes that were no longer glowing, which were looking at me emotionlessly. His handsome face was perfectly sculpted, like a most beautiful painting.

"Aren't you bothered by that? Because it's torturing me."

I stretched out my hand across the bed, where his face should be, but my hand touched nothing. Only empty air is there. If I'm dreaming, I want to wake up as soon as possible. And your face is the first sight I want to see. Please...

"Please, Sean.." I choked.

My whole body hurts from a torturous longing. Tears flowed down from both corners of my eyes, soaking up the pillow and leaving dark stains that spread quickly on its surface.

The sound of a slow knock on my bedroom door made me frown. Lately, the slightest sound can make me jerk.

"Are you awake, sweetie?" I heard my mother speaking from the doorway, from behind my body. I inhaled a breath that was choked by my cry while wiping away the tears with my palm.

The sound of her footsteps moved closer to me. "Dean wants to see you."

I felt him gently rub my shoulder. I turned my body and slowly looked at him.

"You want to meet him?" ask him carefully. "Or mommy can tell you you're resting."

I shook my head slowly, resting on both elbows and then tried to lift my body and lean on the headbed. "I'm fine." I said in a trembling voice.

My mother looked at me sadly, but then she smiled. "All right." he muttered, then squeezed my hand briefly before walking out of my room.

Not long after, I saw Dean step across my room. His face was filled with anxiety.

Dean sat on the edge of the bed. "Hi, sister-in-law." He smiled with concern as he took my hand into his grasp. "I'm sorry I just got to see you now. Franda..." He paused for a moment, seemingly trying to put together the right words.

"I'm so sorry about this, I wish I could do something to make you feel better, you know."

I showed my head for a moment and took a deep breath. "Dean, do you know what people usually say when we're in mourning?"

Dean looked at my eyes in turn, his face seemed overwhelmed with my questions. "You won't be sad forever, Franda."

"True, that's what people say. I mourn, then I will try to move on. But deep down, deep down inside, I knew things would never be the same again."

"Dean, this thing I'll never be able to recover from something like this. I just need to get through it, and hope maybe someday it doesn't feel too painful anymore. Even though I knew that feeling wouldn't really go away."