Best Defense

Getting Worst's.

There is nothing more beautiful than a day of love and nothing more painful than a night of fear. That's how I feel now. I am both happy and scared at the same time. I'm happy because Sean has so sincerely proven his love for me, and I'm afraid because of the fact that I won't be able to do the same to him.

Sean was busy showing his sincerity and patience while I was busy drowning myself in unwarranted worry. There are things that no one else can understand about my desperate self in life. For days I almost gave up thinking it was better to die than to live in extreme pain. At the very least, I will die with a calm feeling without having to think about the bitter destiny that is now running my back.

Sean would never listen to what comes out of my mouth if it had to do with an apology. He said speaking is not the only way to understand the feelings between two souls. It is not the words that come out of the lips and tongue that can separate the conscience. But, deeds. And she was sure I still needed her the most even though I repeatedly kicked her out like I used to when I refused to accept her love. I don't blame him for this.

My attempt to accept everything can not be said to be easy, even very difficult. Just imagine, at that time I stubbornly did not listen to Pritta who had forbidden me to go down even though I knew he was doing it for my own good. As a result of the accident I lost my baby in the womb and also had to lie down every day in a room that now feels empty. Not enough with that alone, I also have to add guilt when I think of Pritta. The girl also bore Sean's anger because of my stupid actions. Sean not only fired him, but also threw him away somewhere.

One by one the pieces of disappointment attacked me mercilessly. Plunged me into the endless abyss of death. My body did not crash at its base, but it also did not lift back up. I floated in fear and silence. My ears heard people screaming asking me to lend a hand so they could help me, but I pretended to be deaf. I persist in lamenting the self floating in uncertainty.

"Sean," I said softly. My eyes looked at the blue ocean in his eyes. As usual, he smiled at me and I was in pain. With trembling lips, I said the words I had been holding back all this time. "Leave me." connect me again with tears that I can't hide anymore. I cried without a sound while Sean retreated and distanced himself from me.

"Finally you say it." he muttered desperately as he walked towards the glass wall.

"Sean," call me again. Now I forced my body up to sit on the bed with my eyes staring at him who was standing behind me and threw a look out through the glass wall with both hands tucked away in his shorts pocket.

I know he's upset and Sean won't take my word. But I insist, I think this is the best for us. Sean had to move on with his life happily instead of staying on top of me who would somehow like this.

"Go away. leave me. You deserve a better life. I don't want to be selfish by holding you back constantly. I don't know how long it will be until my condition improves, and you won't have to waste time taking care of me."

I touched my chest that felt tight with my left hand and squeezed as hard as the shirt I was wearing. My heart ached so much to hear the words coming out of my own mouth, but I didn't mean to pull it. My decision is made, I want Sean to leave me.

Sean turned around, his lightning eyes so dark that an overwhelming anger was being stored away. And as he took a step forward, his lips smirked. Not the flirtatious grin he used to show to tease me, but a disgusted grin. Of course he's disgusted at me who doesn't know himself. He deserves to be angry and even worthy enough to hit or kill me though. He deserves to do all that. And I deserve it.

"Franda," I gulped as she said my name heavily while her eyes turned red and her jaw hardened. As soon as I trembled, his gaze made me unable to feel the pain all over my body anymore.

"Are you trying to say that I was wrong to think that you loved me all this time?" I gulped again while he continued talking. "You know? From what you said, I just realized that you don't want me as much as I want you. Everything that comes out of your sweet mouth makes me think you don't really love me."

Sean approached, one of his hands raised and squeezed my jaw tightly until I grimaced. God, is he really going to kill me?

I felt his grip. Letting him vent all his anger on me. Receiving all the swearing that would come out of his mouth and hoping he would let me go afterwards. Sean snorted violently. His grip grew stronger as his voice was again caught by my ears.

"You ruined my hopes by killing my son, and now you want me to let you go? Oh, don't dream, baby. You have to stay with me to pay for all your mistakes. You should feel the same pain you inflicted on me."

"I've been so kind as to accept the loss of my son and try to forgive you, but you really don't know how much to gain. And you should know that I'm so fed up with your behavior right now, Franda."

My body was blown away in bed when Sean released his grip on my face and pushed me. I shrieked in extreme pain as my neck turned and my broken right hand was crushed by my body. I wanted so badly to ask her for help, begging her to help me. But I realized Sean wouldn't do it because he was straight away from me.

Finally with great difficulty and tears flooding my face, I was able to shift to the side. My mouth growled and I held my breath while Sean went out and pulled the door of the room tightly.