Best Defense

Frustated.

My ears faintly caught the sound of people talking. Slowly the voice became clearer. And when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was something white and blurry. I didn't know what was going on until I felt pain all over my body as I tried to move. My mouth growled withstanding the pain that was very, very especially on my stomach and legs.

I slowly remembered the last incident before I fell asleep and instantly my eyes widened. I tried to turn my head to see who was talking but something held my neck, and I again felt pain when I forced my head up.

I cleared my throat slowly and a few seconds later I saw Sean's disheveled face. His hair was messy and the white shirt he wore was not perfectly buttoned. His eyes were always shady and soothing now turned dark with a puddle of water there. Sean's crying. My husband is crying. And I burst into tears to find her looking so broken.

He clasped my hand and smelled the back of my hand a few times as his eyes looked deeply into my eyes. For a while we did not speak, only clashing with a troubled mind.

With great difficulty I tried to raise my hand to touch her face and then open my mouth. "The babies?" ask me in a whisper. He was sluggish and did not answer. Her tears fell while her hands squeezed my hands even stronger. I refused to believe in his reaction which I clearly understood. Now my eyes turned to my stomach while my hands landed there as well. I closed and took a deep breath.

"Sean.. how was the baby?" I said repeat.

Instantly my heart stopped beating as he shook his head. My body was squeezing, my bones as if they had just been rested. I was overwhelmed by the awareness of my stupidity. I cried while cursing myself for ruining his dream. "I'm sorry."

Only two words came out of my mouth. My world collapsed that very second. My heart is really broken. I've been imagining how much fun my life will be with my son and Sean, and now I'm falling for a dream I ruined myself.

Now, I don't know what to do. Sean looked so beaten. I could feel his soul being shaken even though he was trying to smile at me. His dark eyes proved that Sean was holding back from being angry with me. I don't know what he'll do if I don't lie down in such a terrible situation right now.

Sean held my hand in his stomach and looked at me. Still with a smile knotted on her trembling lips, she spoke. "It's okay, honey. We can get it again later." his gentle muttering made me feel even more guilty for hurting his sincere heart.

My tears kept flowing even though no sound came out of my mouth. The harsh reality is hitting my life that just felt wonderful yesterday. After losing the baby in my womb, now I also have to fight to heal my broken bones. I don't think I can live a life that would drive me crazy. Moreover, it should receive a look of pity from everyone who looks at me. I really hate myself.

I was thinking about how Sean would think of me after this. My fear grew as my memory swirled about the beautiful girl coming out of her study. I was afraid he would turn and leave me. I'm not ready to lose a man as good as Sean. It will never be ready.

***

Fear and sadness continued to gnaw my head until I finally realized my attitude was starting to change for everyone. I'm hostile to anyone for not being able to face myself. Only my son and Sean have been allowed to be by my side to this day. I refused, Mother, Mia, and Edward though many times they tried to comfort me since the first day I woke up in the hospital a month ago.

Sean still faithfully accompanied me, not moving from my side even though my attitude changed to him. She kept me company, and even she with all her loving heart helped take care of me. Makes me hate my pathetic self for being a burden to her. Sean doesn't even care about his company, he never leaves me for a second. And now, she was feeding me half-bed.

"A satisfied look at me?" her snoring was flirtatious, teasing me with her blue eyes.

I was silent for a moment while fighting against myself who was eager to throw into his arms. Enjoying her soothing scent as my hand rubbed her thumping chest hard.

After finishing the food in my mouth, I let out a sound for the first time after being silent for this month. "Why are you still here?" I asked with a trembling voice while my gaze stared far out through the glass wall.

It felt like a needle was piercing my heart when I said it. Some time ago I realized that my condition would not improve in the near future. The accident I had caused some of my bones to crumble. The calf bone in my left leg, the kneecap bone, the cubit bone in my right hand and my neck bone. I was like an undead, my brain was working but my body was dead. Nothing is more excruciating than helplessness.

I flinched as Sean's hand clasped my hand while his other hand rubbed my cheek and at that moment my body trembled, then I immediately pulled my head back. I don't want him to know I miss his touch. I want him to stop teasing me.

Sean did not give up. Now he's lowered his face right in front of me. Her eyes that were as blue as the ocean looked at me warm at once. I don't know why I don't like this, Sean knows my weakness. He is like a charmer who is always ready at any time to control me. One look from her eyes plus her sweet smile, I will definitely be devastated.

But not this time. I have not been able to forgive myself and accept the fact that my life has changed as my fears grow over time.

"Franda," she said in a pressure-filled tone. "I love you. I won't let you suffer and cry alone. I have said many times that I will always be with you. I'm not mad at you, baby. Absolutely not." continued again.

I kept quiet and listened to her words. "Don't blame yourself for what happened. It's not your fault at all, you don't have the power to deny destiny. No matter how hard you avoid, you will still experience it. We're gonna keep losing."

"Darling, please, stop acting like you're the only one suffering because I'm just as tormented when I have to look at you like this. Give me back my wife, Franda... Return the ever-strong mommy Ben. Return the woman who is always passionate to tease me. I don't need anyone but you."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me bluntly that my soul is the purpose of your soul, until you forget the sorrow that's buried in your heart. Because the purity of your heart will not be able to lie. You love me so much, baby."

I wept. Again his words slapped me.

It was as deep as her love for me and me for her, and we both realized it. Our love is full of peace like the peace of nature. He never had a reason to adjust to me, nor did he give me a choice. He sees reality as nature. He's real and I'm real, two forces that love each other. It should be enough to calm me down and get up from the slump. But, somehow it feels very difficult to accept everything that has happened.

Love kept me close to her, but anxiety kept me away from me. I should be careful because all I know is that the worry in love is sin. And now I'm trapped inside.