Best Defense

Life's Suck

I decided to end my script all along and tell Sean I meant to do that. I couldn't bear to watch him seal it because of me, and I thought there was no reason to continue what I did because I got what I wanted.

Sean was still staring confusedly at me, his face looking adorable in the most magical way I've ever seen. "I've never lost my memory, babe." I muttered slightly jokingly, answering his curiosity.

Sean jumped back, releasing his grip on my hand. He must have been surprised by what I just said. I not only lied to her, but also made her look like a fool. But I did that because I had a clear purpose.

Sean gawked and glared at me. For some he just fell silent and looked at my face with a confused and angry look.

"Are you tricking me, Franda?" tanyanya cynic.

I smiled at her, not wanting to make her more angry, I replied. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, Sean. There was something I needed to clear up and the idea just came to mind." I grabbed her hand and rubbed it gently with my thumb. He was still confused and did not understand what I meant.

"What do you want to know, Sean?"

Sean rounded his eyes in disbelief with the sentence I had uttered. "Of course everything, Franda! You drive me crazy with your behavior, I worry about you every day while you're laughing at me like that." she said fieryly followed by a frustrated coil.

He threw my hand out, then stood behind me. "Do you know how scared I was all this time? I almost lost my mind thinking about you, Franda. Every day since you first woke up I was scared to death, my mind was full of worries. For God's sake..." Her voice sounded trembling, and when she turned around, I could see the tears that had just escaped on her face.

Right now I want to hug her, say that I didn't mean to make her feel that way. But I choose to let Sean vent all his frustration first, until he is satisfied, then I will speak.

"I asked almost all the doctors about your condition, running around and around to find out if there was anything I could do to restore your memory. Even Ben... Jesus, Franda. I don't know what else to say now. You really disappoint me."

I was shaking in gulping. Sean looked very angry this time, and the way he looked at me made me feel guilty. His eyes were full of disappointment, and he was crying because of me. Her tears slowly turned even more intense. It grew louder as he continued speaking.

"I'm worried about you, Franda. How could you play around with this? I really don't understand your way of thinking, no matter what your purpose is, I still can't accept it. Geez. I even intend to see your ex-husband, I want to ask him to come here and talk to you. I thought maybe he could help you restore your memories because you guys were together for a long time. Can you imagine what it would be like if I really did that? It's my mind to save you, Franda."

"I got rid of my ego and hoped you'd be helped by what I did. But you're exactly.. ah!"

"I did it because I didn't want you guys to feel burdened with me, Sean." I said quickly. I can't stand him as if he were tormented by himself, because I myself feel depressed about all of this.

"I've been a burden to everyone all this time. Even my own brother was expecting my death. What do you think I feel when Mia says something that honest? Do you think I'm having fun with my cipher?"

"Yes. You're having fun, Franda."

I shook weakly. This is beyond my expectations. It did not occur in my head at all that the situation would deteriorate like this. My intention was just to calm them down and stop worrying about me. I'm sick of living in mercy every day, I hate when they treat me excessively, I'm saturated with their non-believing attitude, thinking of me as a child in need of supervision at all times.

"Why did you turn petty, Franda?" I swallowed bitter. The words hit me so hard, I felt like I wanted to die again.

I turned around, staring at his back which I so desperately wanted to embrace. "Because I am so." I muttered justifying his words, but I realized there was a tone of innuendo as well as despair there. "Don't you guys make me that way? You and everyone else changed me. I know what's wrong with me, I clearly understand what's happening to me, and I know how to deal with it. But without you noticing, you're holding me back."

I took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled. "As you and Ed talked about that night, I did have a hard time coping," I was restrained and suddenly felt even more ill with the accusations coming out of her mouth.

"Are you also pretending to be suicidal?"

I closed my eyes while adjusting my breathing which now felt disjointed. Both of my hands clenched tightly restraining all emotions at once the stifling pain in my chest. "I hope so, but unfortunately you're wrong. And actually I wish you hadn't come that day. I'll be happy now if you don't save me, I'll laugh happily even if I'm thrown into hell." I smiled bitterly, re-imagining that day, the day I wished I could meet my parents.

While throwing a look outwards, I gulped and continued speaking. "That night, I woke up and heard the conversation you and Ed had. I heard you guys talking about psychiatrists to help me, but as Ed said, I won't want to make a meeting with them, not as long as I remember myself."

"I was scared then, Sean. I'm afraid you're gonna force me to see a psychiatrist,"

"Franda, you know I'm not going to do something you don't like" he said, cutting me off.

I turned to look at him. "Yes, but you also know that I'm fucked up, Sean. I'm in trouble." I smiled bitterly again. "I can't believe I'm going to say this in the end, I have a problem with my mentality, Sean. Everyone knows my condition, but you won't really understand my feelings until you've experienced them."

"This is one of the reasons I rejected you first. I'm afraid that one day you'll get tired of me, things never take a good side of me, Sean. No matter where I stand, there's still a rope that snaps me. Many times I wanted to die, but I always managed to hold it until the last time I received that message from Mia. I finally did, and then you came to save me, and now you're making me suffer again. Believe me, dying is better than living like this."

Sean gasped in shock, he blinked and tried to grab me, but I held him back with a sledgehammer. I have to tell him all my feelings.

"I'm not like you guys who look at things in a normal way. I can't think as clearly as you can, but not on all occasions. There are times when I feel empty and abandoned, even when I'm in a crowd, often I feel lost and alone."

"Franda," he called her soft.

"I'm not done yet." I said quickly. Sean was silent as I continued. "I was not created to live like you. If I could choose, I would want to live like you. Normal and straight. But I'm destined to live alone, Sean. From the moment my parents left me, I felt alone. Never able to accept the presence of anyone beside me. It all started with my mistakes, I caused their deaths."

"I've been cursing myself ever since,"

Suddenly I felt a terrible pain hit my head. My chest tightened after, and my vision blurred until I felt the whole room swirling around, then everything turned dark.

I hope I can meet my parents this time. Please, no one's pulling me anymore.