Best Defense

Taking time

I threw a glance out, staring at the sky that was beginning to darken in the distance. My heart was pounding hard, but not out of desire as was usual when I was close to him. This time my heart raced as it endured the overwhelming anger and pain that rained down on my chest.

"Frandah, dear..."

He called me again, probably a hundred times since he walked into my room two hours ago. I didn't want to look at her, knowing that I would quickly melt and instantly scatter into her arms if I looked at her with those beautiful eyes.

I plugged the earphones into my ear, courtesy of one of the nurses I had borrowed on purpose, so I could avoid this conversation. Then I connected it to the phone and played the song by pressing the volume button to the full. Then I slowly stretched my body to lie on my side, behind her.

I watch my eyes enjoy the sweet voice of Lionel Richie singing Stuck On You, making me get swept away in his loud rhythm in my ears. With shahdu spoiling my hearing. Listening to music has proven to be very helpful in calming the mind, even if only for a few moments.

Then I got carried away in my favorite playlist randomly, until I realized my tears were flowing as Freddie Mercury chanted Love of my life. I remember when Sean recounted the moment he heard me singing near the campus gymnasium. This is the song I was singing at the time.

I can't remember the last time I enjoyed life like that. In the past, I used to spend my free time singing with my father before he died. We were able to do it for hours, sometimes he who imitated me sang with his acoustic guitar which he specifically ordered to one of his friends. At the head of the guitar was my name and my father's name.

I once asked him why he only wrote my name there and he replied because I was his only son who had the same interests as him. My father said he didn't want to dirty his hobby by forcing others to be a part of it. Edward and Mia never thought of music as a good fit for their taste. Edward was more inclined towards science, while Mia. ah, I had no idea what her interests were up to now.

"Dad, I miss you," I muttered, unknowingly my sobbing voice turned louder.

Then I felt her warm and soft hand rub my head. It feels very calming. There was a part of me that wanted to turn to face him and embrace him, I wanted to once again convince him that I was fine, he didn't have to worry about my situation. But I can't forgive his mistake.

"... so, Franda. I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you. Please, trust me." her voice rang out as the song paused for a moment before it went into the next one. "Everything is...." Now I only hear loud music from my earphones. The sound was deafening, exactly as I needed it right now.

I don't know how long I've been crying while feeling the touch of her warm hand on my head, and then I don't know when, without me even realizing I'm asleep. And when I woke up, it was his face that first greeted me. He gave me the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my entire life.

But, looking at him from this close distance, only made me realize more and more that he would never know how much I expected his trust. It was only to the extent that I wanted, as simple as letting me find a way out to solve my own problems, but apparently it was a request that was too difficult to grant.

I couldn't count how many times I asked for it, even so I almost begged him not to cover something from me. I always tucked away my request whenever I had the chance to speak seriously with him. But I never got it.

In the end, I was played again. It made me wonder inwardly, as important as what exactly was my presence nearby?

"Hi," I noticed her rows of pure white teeth peering between her lips. Unable to raise his eyes towards his dangerous eyes. His mouth almost made me wobbly.

I closed my eyes again. Trying to catch my heavy breath from the sweep of his breath on my face. I was sure he could see me trembling at this moment, and I could feel him smiling triumphantly.

"Go, Sean. I don't want to talk to you." I muttered without opening my eyes, stopping his intention to tease me.

"Franda," his snoring was desperate. "Can you trust me? I did..."

He fell silent, his head lowered while a heavy breathing sound rang out in my ears. After waiting a long time and not speaking, I continued. "Is it that hard for you to trust me, Sean? Can I not make a decision for myself? How long are you gonna make me a show doll in your house?"

"Frand,"

"No! Listen to me," cut me sharply, accompanied by a cold gaze that pierced into his eyes. "You, my sister, and even my mother.you all can't believe me, you've always controlled me, never given me the chance to act as myself. Tell me, Sean, do you believe that I'm okay?" I took a breath and closed my eyes for a moment to calm my racing heart. His silent attitude explained his view towards me. That's enough.

Then I looked at him again. "I know I'm a lousy woman. I know how much time you wasted with me. But, for once, may I choose my own path? Why do you have to cover it up with me, Sean?" I could no longer hold back my tears, they were flowing profusely and hot.

He tried to reach my cheek, but I brushed his hand away. "I didn't cover it up with you, Franda,"

"Then what?" my sergeant in a choked voice. I gently rubbed my tears while breathing a few times, and continued my words again. "You already knew when you asked me how I would feel if my parents were alive, right?" He's nodding. "Well, now tell me what's your reason for hiding that from me?"

"I'm not hiding it, Franda. I was going to tell you, but after you gave birth. I don't want anything to happen to you or to the baby in your womb..."

"And that's what happened when I accidentally heard your conversation." I replied fiercely. "Do you know any of the reasons I decided to divorce Nino? Because he was too in control of my life, and now you're doing the same thing. So,"

"Don't tell me you want to part with me," she quickly cut my words, saying the thing I feared the most and never wanted would happen again in my life. "Franda, you can't do that to me because I won't let you."

I laughed bitterly. "See? You control me, Sean. Not yet have you shown your power before me." My mouth curls cynically at him. "Don't think I can't live without you, Sean. I don't want to waste time with people who don't appreciate me."

"Frand..."

I shook my head hard. "Comeout. There's nothing more I need to talk to you about." I said firmly, then I turned to his back, played back the playlist on my phone.

It's too painful. I didn't think I'd say something so hard to her. But there's no other way I can throw him out. I want to be alone. At least, for now.

I don't know where our relationship will go next, but parting with her is the only thing I want to avoid even though it's possible that it will happen in the end.

I started to have a crisis of confidence in the people around me. It wasn't my fault, they themselves were driving me in that direction, making me look like a fool, then saying as if they were doing it for my own good. Instead of guarding, they hit me with that reality. And I can't just take it.

I glanced from the corner of my eye, watching him step out, leaving me without saying anything. I desperately wanted to call and hug her, but with all my might I held back all those feelings until she disappeared behind the door.

In that instant, my tears flowed. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I really had to part with her, and I don't want to ever break up with her.

"I'm sorry, Sean..."