Best Defense

Confessions.

I stepped up nervously, Sean's domineering attitude really made me waver, he was so considerate and gentle. Sometimes I feel guilty for not reciprocating her deep love, Nino still fills the biggest space in my heart. The divorce that happened did not necessarily make me lose my love for him. I was grateful to be able to endure my attitude of refusing to take her back and deciding to marry Sean, at least I managed to fight my own stupidity.

"This is our room." Sean stepped into the room he was referring to, I observed the man who had officially become my husband this morning, his steps were so firm, his muscles were clearly printed on a white t-shirt that fit his body, strongly supports his domineering attitude. What a perfect sight.

I slowly followed in her footsteps, looking at the entire room that she said belonged to us, twice the size of my room in the apartment, yet it looked empty and empty. Not much furniture, only a king-size bed covered in gray sheets, two small tables on the right and left side of the bed, and one white lazy sofa, he said, the only thing that kept this room alive was the man who was currently here.

"Sean, I want to discuss a few things first." I made a sound while looking at her.

Sean seemed to understand what I meant, he walked over and pulled me to sit on the side of the bed. His hands clasped my hands, still smiling sweetly, "Say, I'm listening" he said, raising one of his feet on the bed.

I looked down, for a moment I was afraid to say what was bothering me, I was afraid Sean would be hurt and disappointed in me, "Sean, I'm sorry if my words hurt you, but I think I should say it. I don't want to lie to you and pretend to be happy with you," I took a deep breath, scooped up as much oxygen as possible to fill my chest cavity, "I haven't been able to accept you fully, give me time to return your feelings. I don't know how long it's going to be, the past makes it hard to open up to other people. I'm sorry..."

Sean was speechless and bowed deeply until his chin came into contact with his chest, I knew he must have been disappointed by my words, Sean must have been sick to hear such a clear rejection, he said, but I can't pretend because it'll make her even more sick later, I have to say it now.

"Sean, I know you love me, I'm grateful you have such a deep love for me, you don't even turn away even if I reject you so many times, really, I thank you for that. I want to repay everything you gave me, your love, your waiting, your loyalty, everything, I want to do the same to you. Can you help me feel my way?"

Sean was still silent and lowered.

"Sean, too many things make it difficult for me to open up, fear still haunts me to this day. I believe you're a different man, I believe your feelings are sincere, I believe you won't betray me, only I haven't been able to accept it. I find it hard to accept anything to do with feelings, it's my fault for not being able to cope with myself, my fault for harboring too deep a sense for Nino, my fault for refusing to accept the presence of others. Please, can you help me?"

I held my hand, signaling for him to answer my words. Somehow I couldn't accept the freezing, my heart begged him for a word, I wanted him to answer my words, I even wanted him to yell at me, no matter how hard I would accept it.

"Sean.." I said while she was still holding on to her frost. Sean remained unmoved, I'm sure he was very disappointed with the wedding gift I gave, instead of enjoying the first night like other brides, I refused him outright.

"I know your predicament, we'll get through it together. Don't hesitate to express whatever you feel, I've told you to share with me, no matter how hard I will accompany you, don't mind my feelings, make yourself comfortable with our marriage. I won't force you to do something you don't want, I believe you'll repay me one day. We can start as friends."

My cheeks were hot, tears were beginning to pool in my eyes, I didn't think he would give such a wise answer, so sincere and resigned to the rejection I gave. Sean is another form of perfection while I am stupidity. If we were now a mixture of oil and water, I hope that someday we would melt into water and fire, Sean would win over me who was burning wildly with his gentle demeanor. I really wish Sean would do that to me.

Sean gave me a deep peck on my forehead, his warmth running through me, giving me some peace for a while. I raised my hand to hug her, hoping that my embrace could treat her a little pain. The wound I was inflicting must have been so stifling, I not only left it at our wedding, I now also say things I shouldn't have said on the first night.

Sean let go of the hug and rubbed the base of my arm, again his smile was unfettered, he seemed not to be bothered with the series of words earlier, "I want to take a bath, you can rest when you are sleepy." Sean stood up, got out of bed, left me still and went into the bathroom.

Right now, my chest was so tight, I cried loudly as she disappeared behind the bathroom door. I used to feel disappointed when I lost someone, but I never felt any foreign pain, shaking and longing when Sean vanished from before me. Oh, my God, what's wrong with how I feel about you, Sean...

I hurriedly wiped my tears as I heard Sean's footsteps coming out of the bathroom, I was stunned at his seductive appearance, he walked in a towel that only covered part of his body, he said, leaving the upper part of his muscular body plastered for real in front of me.

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again if it bothers you." he ripped my daydreams away, I was nervous, agitated, and amazed at the same time.

I reviewed the smile with great difficulty, then nodded, "I-It's okay, we're kind of married. No problem." I said nervously. Really, I realized Sean was a good and civilized man, but his attractiveness was very dangerous, now I have to anticipate myself not to tease him. Gee whiz... You're really driving me crazy, Sean!

I went to walk in closet to change clothes, Sean said earlier that my clothes were available there. My hand picked up a pair of navy-colored short pajamas and immediately put them on, replacing the clothes I was wearing earlier. My feet crept back to the bed, lying on one side, pulling the blanket to the chest.

A few minutes later Sean caught up with me on the other side, then approached and pulled me into his arms. My nervousness came back, but it evaporated quickly as soon as his burly arm held me, my reflexes hid my face in his chest, inhaling the fresh and soft fragrance of Citrus, Sean followed my words telling him to change the scent of woody during our first official meeting. Again, he grabs me with a little thing.

"I want to sleep with you, I mean, without making love. Just sleeping together, under the same blanket, in the same bed, with both hands holding you and your head resting on my chest. There is no sound, only a slow regular snoring of breath as we fall asleep. Ah, very calming! Thank you for accepting me as your husband."