Trapped in the Love of the Past
Trapped in the Love of the Past
I read carefully the CV. Occasionally I scoop up avocado juice on the table. Starting from personal data, education, family, work, vision and mission of marriage and so on. Hmm really detailed and nice.
I was amazed by Nisa. The science of marriage deserves a thumbs up. My eyes were on the history of the disease. It is called endometriosis. Apparently the woman wrote her illness here. I went on to the second sheet. There I saw Nisa's hopes for marriage.
My attention was sucked into the cover of the CV .
________
Assalamualaikum my future priest. I would like to thank you very much for reading my bio. As I wrote above. I am a woman with endometriosis. But until now I do not know very well the severity.
Endometriosis always causes me to be tormented when the menstrual period arrives. It certainly has an impact on the fertility of the reproductive system, and of course will cause pregnancy problems. I will most likely have trouble getting pregnant. And most bitterly, I cannot give you offspring.
I am so grateful that God has made us fools. Even if I will allow myself to be polygamous, or divorced if it is in the course of the household later, I can not give offspring because of this disease.
Batam 11 January 2013
Annisa Salmarani's.
__________
My heart rumbled to read the biodata. Apparently, Nisa had known about her illness all along.
"She knows you're seeing me?"
The man nodded.
"So you've known about Nisa's disease?"
"That's how."
Azzam breathed deeply.
"Why did you decide to marry her?"
"At that time I really wanted to get married, Ustadz Bahrul happened to say that there was a marriage certificate ready. I've been a couple of times Istikharoh and God seems to show that Nisa is the best mate according to HIM."
The man's index finger pointed upwards.
"Do you love her now?"
"Love has begun to grow Kalila."
The man took a deep breath. Staring at me.
The deg!
My heart's inflamed. My chest is back. Holding on with all your might so that tears do not fall on your cheeks.
Azzam thrust the tissue on the table at me.
God, even he knows I'm crying but these tears haven't come out yet.
"Make what?"
Tanyaku.
The man did not answer. His hand took out two pieces of tissue and gave them to me.
"No."
I refused to sell expensively.
As strong as my energy is tear resistant, so as not to spill in front of him.
The man returned the tissue box to its original place.
"Did you know Nisa asked me to be your second wife?"
Tanyaku. My eyes were staring at the wall in front of me. I did not dare to look at Azzam for long since he first sat in front.
The man nodded.
Take a breath for a moment.
Sipping avocado juice on the table. Then gobble up the toasted bread on the plate.
"This heart still holds love for you Kalila."
The man placed his right palm on his chest.
My eyes are heating up to hear it. My heart's rumbling great.
"However, I'm just an ordinary man who's afraid of not being able to do justice."
His eyes looked ahead. Her voice is raucous. The man swallowed the saliva.
Oh God!
The pain instantly slashed into the heart.
Ah, what's up with this self.
Why it hurts to hear Azzam. I also don't want to be polygamous. But the subtle rejection that came out of his mouth forced sharp incisions into his heart.
I snatched the tissue box that was now in his grasp. This defense is broken. I sobbed in front of him.
Silence was present between us. I became a backsound for a while. I want this self to spill over into his body.
The man looked at me. As if to embrace myself, which is not his right. Both of his hands were clasped tightly on the table.
The sound of the Adhan requires a momentary pause. Azzam got up from his seat.
"I want the congregation first. Wanna come?"
I nodded with wet eyes.
"Yes, wait here. Don't go anywhere!"
Declared. I nodded slowly.
I looked back at Nisa's CV in my hand. This woman is so perfect in terms of morals, intelligence and face. It fits Azzam. The woman's lack is only one, as several days have told me.
Ten minutes later Azzam had returned to his seat.
"So why did you ask me to come here?"
My toot. My hands wiped away the tears that were still running down my cheeks.
"For we don't misunderstand each other. Let you know that I'm not asking for polygamy."
Azzam shuffled from the chair. Then sip the remaining juice in a glass.
"Honestly, I'm actually really happy that you're my wife. But I'm afraid it can't be fair. And it'll hurt us all."
I looked at him sharply. For a moment our netra clashed. There was a strange sigh in my heart. I immediately gave my eyes to her.
"I want to go home."
I got up from my seat.
"I'm taking!"
"No."
The footsteps of the man were like they were following me who was at the exit.
"Don't ngeyel, it's night. What are you going up to?"
The nada rises
"Text."
Reply origin. Though knowing very well is prone to ride a motorcycle at night shows the time at 21.00.
"Kalila's Danger!"
"Udah come with me."
The man pulled my sling bag. Forcing me to walk after him from behind.
"Lake in!"
His orders were slow but firm.
His hand opened the front door for me.
"I'm behind me."
I-i refused.
"I told the driver to be alone in front."
I melengos. Then sit in the front seat with force.
Azzam then drove his city car to my boarding house.
In the car I chose silence. Look out of the window.
And so did Azzam, the man had no voice. The night sky was full of stars to witness the silence between us.
At first glance I saw him play his phone when the red light came on. His favorite Edcoustic nasyid chants are heard from the flat object audio.
........................
Really though I'm cheated
Tuk expressed my feelings
But your wait is on me
Don't blame
If you choose me
Wait till I come
I'll take you away
To eternal heaven
Now is not the time
I repay your love
Waiting for me at the deadline
........
Nasyid verse that seems to represent our feelings. My eyes shifted, looking at him. Heavy I swallowed saliva. Apparently the man was also looking at me with his shady eyes. Our views again collide. There was a strange rumble breaking through the heart. Quickly I took my face off from her.
Now the iron horse is already in the boarding yard.
I hurried to remove the seat belt from the body. Open the car door.
"Kalila wait."
Azzam took out an object from his wearpack. A box wrapped in purple gift paper.
"It's yours."
I scrunched my forehead a sign of not understanding.
"Take it."
The man thrust it at me.
I immediately took the box and put it in the bag. Because I don't want to linger looking at it.
The sound of Azzam cars is heard leaving the boarding yard which has 10 rooms.
I stepped into the room.
Then take the box that Azzam gave me.
I tore the wrapping paper because I can't wait to see the contents.
Two photos are in the box. And a small jewelry box.
I looked at the sky - the goal of the photo. There was me and Azzam in it laughing happily. We took this photo 7 years ago at Photobox Mall in Surabaya.
We were a very happy couple then. I asked Azzam to keep 2 pieces. I'm 2 sheets.
I don't feel any tears coming back. The pain returned heartbreaking. Breaking through bones in the body.
I opened the red jewelry box. My heart grew bitter when I saw a ring perched in it.
It was the ring Azzam bought to propose to me that day. The day that never arrived. I put that thing back in the bag. Then immerse my face into a pillow with a picture of flowers. I'm stuck on top of that soft thing.
****
Sunday morning. Nisa and I are following a Muslim study that is regularly held by mosques in the Muka Kuning industrial area.
After last night I wrestled with tears. It is time to seek an injection of faith. Today Ustadz delivers on the practices of women when monthly guests come. That there are still many practices that can be done when we menstruation comes. Among them are sholawat and reciting prayers that we usually read.
The middle-aged Ustadz ended his tausiya as the clock showed at 10:00.
The pilgrims disbanded.
Nisa and I stayed inside the mosque. We want to perform the Duha prayer.
"Lila, I borrow Mukena huh. Was in a hurry so don't bring it."
"Take it in the bag. I'm kebelet."
I said as I ran to the toilet.
A moment later I entered the mosque.
I was shocked to see Nisa looking at me sharply.
Eyes glazed. Clear crystal clear moistening the cheeks.
His right hand is holding a photo. My photo with Azzam 7 years ago.
