A DEEP WOUND

Derren Back

When sitting alone. The phone near me sounded. Indicates a call came in. Salsa is calling.

"Hallo. Assalamu'alaikum."

"Wa'alaikumsalam" answered me, sitting alone in my room.

"Manda. How are you doing?" ask Salsa again.

"Alhamdulillah, fine, Sa."

"Oh, yeah, Da. I want to tell you. But, I was just. Are you on the phone yet for a work call?"

"Work call? There's nothing, Sa. No news yet."

"That means right."

"What exactly?" ask again.

"Temen Riko asked us to tell you. He said your phone number was missing. You are accepted, Da. So, just stay at work."

 

This feeling, whether happy or not. There is doubt in the deepest heart. Whether I should work or not. While Mom would not allow. On the other hand, it feels like following your own ego.

 

But, on the other hand. I'd feel like I'd done something terribly wrong if I broke Mom's own words.

"Hallo. Mandaic. Manda ..."

"Eehhh, iii .. yes, Sa." Daydreamed. And this is the umpteenth time this self daydreams.

"What are you doing again? how from earlier I asked you to talk mostly diem continue."

"Nothing, Sa. Cumans ...?"

"What germs?"

"Mmmm .. It's a long time ago, yes. Later if there's anything I call you. Assalamu'alaikum."

 

I quickly hung up on Salsa. Without having to listen, he answered my greetings. What else do I have to ask Mom for permission. I was confused as to what decision to make.

******

"Manda. Ana wants to marry you?"

"Ustaz Aris's. Why is he in front of me? For what's more he's meeting me." My mind keeps wondering. And who's in front of me now. Just silence I can do.

"Ana loves anti" said Ustaz Aris again looking at me deeply.

I look at the net is fixed. The man who once promised to marry me is now in front of me. "For what, Ustaz. Why would you marry Anna? Antum already has a wife and there's no way we'll be united."

"Ana doesn't love him. Ana loves anti. Ana will try to unite with anti. Ana promise!"

The swiftness of the rain cannot beat the swift tears that wet this cheek. I have to say what I told him. "Ac .. ana. Ana .... is also very fond of antum, Ustaz. We can't possibly be together. Never will, Ustaz."

"But .. ana dear same anti. Ana remembers Ana's promise of equal anti."

"No, Ustaz. Antum and ana's lives are different. Forget ana!" I'm retreating. And turned away from Ustaz Aris. I ran as fast as I could to avoid it. Crying what I can do.

"Lord ..." I screamed as loud as possible. Suddenly, I saw the ceiling of my room. In a lying state. I try to sit down. Turns out. Everything is just a dream.

What happened was not a dream. It happened, like real. I thought it was all real. Apparently not. I had to cry again, when I had to remember about her.

If only. God brought us together. I'm not gonna be like this. Tortured with an erratic mind. It's painful. It has been months, pain, disappointment, still lingering in this heart. This is someone who is betrayed. This is sad, which is called love.

People say. Love is beautiful, happy when it is felt. Even. The word love can defeat everything.

For me, love hurts. It hurts so much to feel.

******

"Look." I tried to approach Mom who was busy making snacks to be sold.

"She, what?"

"Manda .. would say the same thing, Mother," I hesitated to bow my head.

"What else did you say? What do you want to talk about?"

"You will discuss ..."

"You want to talk about work again? or ... would you like to discuss Pesantrenan again?"

 

I was silent for a moment thinking about Mom's words. He replied as if he did not want to hear my explanation anymore. He was still focused on making cakes. Without wanting to see me.

 

"Buk .. but Manda already has a call to work. It's impossible not to go there."

"Yes already. Just go, but if there's anything else you should never tell Mom. Or ... If necessary, don't go home."

"Hubby."

His words were very clear that he did not agree if I worked. I don't want to cry, but .. I'm confused by all this. I feel like my life has no choice. Mother was too selfish, always demanding that I obey her words. If, I go to college as desired then it will make him burdened.

How can his heart be broken. And understand my decision.

"Mom wants you to go to college. At least, it makes you proud if you want to obey Mother's words."

"But, Buk. Manda doesn't want to make Mom difficult. I know what our situation is like. All this time, I've had to bum this up for our living expenses."

"It has. During the pesantrenan anything taught by Ustaz and Ustazah to you. If you say it like that. Then you will have the judgment of Allah which is not yet the case." Mom stood looking at me. After he took off the cake to be made.

"What does Mom mean? Manda never intended to. Don't understand, Buk."

"Tu 'kan .. Therefore Allah has not yet agreed to meet you with a mate. That's why I also don't want to see you work first. Your way of thinking is not mature enough. Mother's words alone you don't understand. You know what it means to want God's will."

I'm speechless. Staring at Mom, there is a sense of boredom if you have to argue again with him. "No."

"We have repeatedly discussed work and college. But I keep whistling hard to see you continue school. And every single mother answered still wanted to see you go to school. You always say, where's the cost, Buk? our lives are like this. Everything you have to do? Manda doesn't want to see Mom burdened. That's. That's the reason you are, yes."

"Yes, that's right, Buk. Manda is mature enough to understand everything. That's why Manda wants to keep working. I'd like to tell you if Manda has to go to college."

"This is the last time I'll keep saying. You should continue with school. Don't think about the cost. Mom would think about all that. Either way, I'll keep whistling hard to see you become an educated person. Not like your mother."

"But, Buk ..."

Mom just left me. Every time he behaves like that. End\-end he went and did not want to hear the explanation of his son.

Maybe, I should pray in the middle of the night. Asking for clues to the problems that are weighing me down. Because it's impossible. If it had to be like this constantly arguing with Mom. I'm really tired of all this. And don't know which one to choose.