A DEEP WOUND

Starving

Two weeks ago I was following a daily review. And today, the results of the replicas are distributed to all the students.

I'm willing to pay the value I'm going to get. After the second time Ustazah Nisa reprimanded me. My mind is so burdened. Ustazah Nisa reprimanded me again, just because of Ustaz Aris.

He begged me to stay away from Ustaz Aris. In fact, he also asked what I did to Ustaz Aris so much that he loved Aris Firdaus to me.

Love comes suddenly. And grow with time. I can't just take my feelings away for no reason. If only I loved Ustaz Aris. Maybe I'll try to erase my love and affection for him.

But ... This is not! we love each other. I-i know. Maybe I made a mistake in my relationship with my teacher. However, love is not to blame when we feel it. How many times Ustazah Nisa reprimanded me for leaving Ustaz Aris. I wouldn't be able to.

And what I was afraid of turned out to be true. My grades are ugly, very ugly. Mournfully. The sadness I feel. How can in the time of daily repetition I get a bad value like this.

"Manda," said Ustazah Erin, who approached me as she sat under the trees. After sharing the results of my appetite as if there were none.

I donate to Ustazah Erin who is now sitting near me.

"Why, son?" ask again.

I just silently shook my head. Trying to smile at my smile in front of my teacher.

"Oh yeah, that's why anti nilain like that. Anti not learning?" ask Ustazah Erin again.

"You learn, Zah," I replied still lowered my head.

"If the anti-learning is concerned. Definitely the anti value wouldn't be like that. What's the story with Ustazah, son?"

"Nothing, Zah."

"alright. Ustazah won't force Manda to story. Now Manda prayed first and then ate. Let his heart and mind be at ease." Ustazah Erin gave me advice so I could calm down.

Just a nod I gave to my teacher. He left me after I didn't want to tell him anything.

Ustazah Erin does know I'm in a relationship with Ustaz Erin. But not necessarily make me have to tell my personal problems like this. God ... I'm afraid of disappointing mom. Why is it that my replay value is this bad?

******

"Manda," said Salsa, who was near me. When I was folding face up.

"Yes" I replied briefly.

"Anti why? anti still think the value of repetition or speech Ustazah Nisa?"

"Both" I replied again. Then get out of the room and sit on the front porch of the santriwati room.

Salsa followed me. "Aren't you supposed to tell Ustaz Aris?" salsa asked hesitantly.

"You know what?" I looked at Salsa again.

"Yaaa said that Ustazah Nisa negur antum again. This can't be in the barin. If antum biarin can continue to be disrupted antum school."

"No need" I replied again.

"Da, but ana can't see antum like gini. Because it's also an ugly antum value." Salsa stroked my shoulder as if she felt what I was feeling right now. "After ana. The antum never got such an ugly replay. All santriwati also know that antum people are smart. Ustazah Erin also wondered why antim?"

"I mean antum?"

"Yes right. You should not have a relationship with Ustaz Aris so that the school is not blocked. Maybe this is what I meant to tell her to be diligent in her school and not to do anything that doesn't."

"Yaaa but right. We never know that feeling comes suddenly to the same antum Ustaz Aris. Love cannot be prevented, Da. How else to."

"Everything's gone."

"Hm. Manda, gini, yes. Ustaz Aris still whistled hard to get married. Anti duty now, pray and ask God for guidance. Hope antum is given a way out of this."

I was silent at the words of my best friend\-word. Salsa is true, I must draw closer to God. Only God can make my place moan right now.

******

Three o'clock midnight. I woke up from sleep. And all santri are also developed to perform tahajjud prayers.

[Yes Allah .. forgive me. Forgive my sins and the sins of my parents. O Allah, make all my affairs easy. Make me always strong, strong and patient in dealing with my problems. I ask only, give my servant your guidance, and bless the knowledge I have. O Allah, if he is a friend of the servant, bring him near. For indeed, it is you who have determined the sheet of your servant. Amen yes rabbal alamin.] That is the only prayer I offer.

I leave everything to God. Because I'm sure, he must have helped every one of his servants who had difficulties.

******

Sky overcast. Soupy. Not like yesterday's weather was so sunny. Finished praying all the students entered their respective classes. I also ran to class. The rain starts to fall.

I heard someone calling my name. I turned my body. Looks like the man .. Yes the tall man quickly approached me no other he is Ustaz Aris. I want to avoid it, but I can't bear to avoid it.

Really, I won't be able to take away my feelings for him.

"Anti later if we go out to play we talk. Take Salsa, "Ustaz Aris told me

"Ana can't, Ustaz."

"Why?"

"Because ana is afraid if anyone sees antum with ana. Ana does not want to hear words that are no longer and does not want to be rebuked either."

"Fir? Meaning anti?"

"Ustazah Nisa negur ana again, Ustaz. Even he whistled loudly asking for ana ninggalin antum."

"Ana will rebuke him later," Ustaz said Aris replied to me again.

"No, Ustaz. Ana doesn't want him if he's gonna be a negur ana again."

"Manda. Ana will keep scolding him. Ana has no feelings for Nisa. Ana just wanted to get married just as anti."

"Ustaz. Wouldn't it be better if antum stayed away from ana."

"Can't, Manda. Ana has promised anti same, and this has been to ..."

"It was, Ustaz. Ana wants to go to class. Friends have prayed inside." I stopped Ustaz Aris saying to me. And run to class.

The rain is falling so hard. The sky is crying over the earth. And my heart cried when I told Ustaz Aris to stay away from me. Really, my heart hurts and will not be able to lose it. I don't know until when I hide my deep feelings for him.

L loved her. I didn't want to actually talk so he'd avoid me. But ... It was circumstances that made me have to say that to him.