Loving You Secretly

My first love, He

The first time I fell in love was when I was 10. It was too soon for a child my age to know love. At the age of 10 years, I first knew the word courtship. Call her my first love and my first boyfriend. Because the name is children, his courtship also seems playful and childish. But that feeling still seems to be present today. Memories of his togetherness also seemed to still remember clearly. I don't think it's ordinary love.

I'm not even 16 yet. Five more years have passed since then. The relationship ended two years ago, when she and I separated. The time when we started to enter the Junior High School. The mature thought was when I thought that I didn't love her that much anymore.

It turns out that time farewell was not the right choice. Without me knowing in my heart there is still him, whether it is because I see him every day or what but it could be because we are still one school. Maybe because it is not too great my love for him, I also seemed indifferent to my heart that says I still love him. And I was in a relationship with someone, someone who in the end made me wait a long time, someone who seemed to play me and someone who made me regret having ignored the feeling that I still loved him, she said, first love. No no, it's not a regret worth regretting.

And for the third time, I got back into a relationship. I was like being the bad guy when I was with him, always doing as I wanted. Huh, I seem to vent my feelings on this person. But why is he so good at it? Would if I decided to go back, he'd be okay? I just don't want to hurt him because of my nature. Maybe I'm weird, but behind it all I love him.

I don't really believe in that love. I grew up in a family that didn't love much. I may be a lonely man, one who can only keep everything to himself. What about the guy I call a friend? Thinking they have their own problems, it doesn't matter if I don't share my problems.

My brain became confused as I thought about why I was sad when I found out he already had a new lover and was very happy if one day he parted with that lover. What's wrong with me? Obviously I said I don't like it much anymore. But why was it that when he looked at me, my heart still trembled? She, my first love, why now does she make me a selfish person? I just want her to love me, I just want only me in her life when my own love is not entirely for her, my heart even now seems to say I love others. But why is he as immortal in my heart?

Until one day the other person I loved chose to leave me. I felt sad, my heart was broken. The other person is why it is so easy to come away, why the other person always breaks my heart and then fixes it. And why does it seem like someone else has made me the one who loves him so much. No, that other person is not someone else anymore, that other person has become an important person in my life. My brain is not so good at understanding the heart, even this feeling is still hard to understand. When I say I love her, but my heart also confirms that on the other hand my first love's name is still not lost. Oh my God, why when my heart breaks because of that other person, you instead send him “my first love” to comfort me.

He said he still loves me. Those words were like the reason I smiled but I didn't really show them. I kept him waiting, but I knew the answer my heart could no longer accept. Yeah, until one day the other person I love so much comes back. Whether because I was stupid or what, I greeted him with a smile and happiness. I left him “my first love” because of someone else without thinking what would happen to him. But he never got tired of coming and coming to me again and I always refused.

Until one day he came again but not to say “he loves me” but someone else. My chest felt tight at that moment and my heart seemed to hurt. How could I be like? Why am I so selfish. Not forever will he always love me, not forever will he wait. I can only endure the crying and say “Blessed. I know someday you'll find more people than me”. She simply replied with a smile, and I continued in my heart “But can you love someone else right now, I will always be in that heart and always be immortal there”.