Loving You Secretly

Apparently Not Him

On top of the red mound of earth our laughter crumpled. We used to be happy together, spending time before we were really serious about getting desperate. It used to run around barefoot and splash on the earth plate that roofed the blue sky is our favorite. I never complain about the simplicity of life we live. I always remember every innocent word full of your meaning that motivates me “we will be hard happy if we are also hard to give thanks”. From you I learned a lot.

Your hand used to not hold a grip on the sidelines of my fingers when I was no longer able to climb. Your shoulders used to be so strong to carry me when I was tired to walk and come back home. You always protected me. The figure of your words I never forget. You are the defender of all the noise and ignorance of the bad boys who bullied me. The other thing I love about you is that you are never arrogant about the intelligence you have. Never lazy and arrogant in re-teaching me every IPA and math lesson taught by the mother teacher in school. What a hard lesson it is but it feels so easy for you. I always feel comfortable being around you, in all circumstances, under all circumstances. I happy.

Do you ever remember our hopes and desires? Maybe this is just a wishful thinking, but it is like the pledge of the two of us that is thrown out as we sit together on a verdant hill. You and I once had goals, we both wanted to be doctors. We used to want to go around the world. It used to be tucked away in our desire to go to chocolate country. We used to dream of building an empire. You are the king and I am the queen. There are still millions of hopes that we have ever strung together, contained and quiet in a chain of dreams.

You and I are always happy. In a joke I slipped love secretly. The unspoken love that I wish could be avenged. Even though I don't know exactly when that will happen.

One day, I found you sitting smiling under an apple tree.

“Aditya, are you smiling to yourself?” I approached you, then sat right next to you.

Seeing my arrival, you suddenly just hugged me, so tightly that I was a little hard to breathe. But it was fun. You then showed me a white letter.

“What is this?”

“Open it. It's been a long time, and finally you also” and then smile so wide that a row of your white teeth are beautifully drawn.

What makes you so happy? A letter? But what's it all about? Is this a love letter? Is this your love letter? For me? Is this a piece of paper with your feelings for me? I asked the man.

My hands shook open it. I don't know, I was just hoping for something good.

“Be-scholarship? You got a scholarship!? To l-lua country?!” I screamed and was shocked.

“Yes!!! I have long craved it! I did it Nania! I am so happy!!” Adit jumped out of his place and hugged me again. But this time it was tighter. I returned that hug.

In a small embrace I cried. Although the content is not as I imagined, but I was really happy in the success of winning a scholarship to the land of people, it was a very extraordinary achievement. I am happy in his happiness.

“So that means you will go?” tanyaku.

“I-iya..” she hesitates a little.

“When are you home?”

“I don't know, maybe 4 more years”

“Why so long?” I bit my lips a little bit

“Because we take a long time to learn”

“But you will still be back here right?”

“Iya I promise” she then raised her pinky, so her thing with me. We promised at that time. To return to this land, about 4 more years.

In happiness I am sad too. I tried to disappear from the feeling that began to tickle more and more stoning. But the longer I get the harder it is to breathe and move in a heart space locked by a hidden love.

I secretly like you. I don't know, is it the same with you or just the opposite? You once said to me “You can think of me as your own brother, even though we are the same age”. But what if I consider you more? May it? If not, then what if everything is done? I fell in love because of your heart. I always wanted to be around you, always.

The love grew bigger and filled the whole soul space. I dare not speak honestly. Even if I knew wherever we hid love would find us. But I didn't expect love to find you then. And did you know? I did it, I won it! My love I managed to hide. Even the love I have cannot find you. Yes, of course, because that love doesn't seem to go as far as you're going to go.

I never grieved and judged God for our parting. I thank Him for the intelligence that has been given to you so that you can get a scholarship to study abroad with a better quality standard. Until now, after you left our place, I never knew the clarity of your feelings for me. But it's okay, I'll wait faithfully.

—

Every night the stars rain down on the black sky. The twinkling that we always see together is now only able to enjoy myself. I still love this land, our childhood home that has given me millions of memories. At least this is where God once brought us together, even though in this place we are also separated.

Too many questions are spinning and it boils down to my brain right now. You're suspect. You are the cause of the confusion and confusion that I have always felt. What about your situation? What was your school like there? What about your new friends? What about your hobby? Still samakah? Remember with me? Maybe you have forgotten. I'm just your little friend who's not too special. I'm just a little girl with two pigtails who finds it hard to tie her own shoelaces. I'm just a girl who likes to snack when she gets her lollies. I'm just a little girl with all her childish natures. I'm just a little girl who likes pink and teddy colors. I was a little girl who was inappropriate but was presumptuous to like you. Sorry for this ludicrity.

I thought you had forgotten everything about us and this place. I thought the genius of your brain had really brought you to a different world. The world you live in, full of technological facilities that contain brilliant people. Your new world, I'm afraid I've changed my old little friend.

But no, my doctrines and all my distant thoughts turned out to be wrong. You go back home. You're back where we are, baby. I don't want to let you go this time. Not anymore, you don't go anymore. If you meet someone who first cries at the time of your departure, then that's me.

“Why didn't you tell me first if you wanted to come? Let me prepare some good food. I can cook already?” I smiled widely, holding my right thumb steady.

“hehehe, I just want a vacation. I want to tell you something. Well count-count want to give a surprise aja” Wind blows gently accompanied by a sweet laughter that they are beautiful.

“Surprise? What is it?”

“That means surprise” The answer is relaxing.

“Oh haha. Okay Surprise. You really really surprised me. But to be honest, I was pleased with your presence” I said lightly, without hiding anything I wanted to say.

“Haha... uh anyway I want to tell you something? Something special!”

“What Dit?”

“ada deh, hehe not now”

“That makes you curious. When dong?”

“um I will call you again”

Could it? The thing he wanted to tell me was the answer to my wait all this time? After 4 years, have we been separated from God? And this is the result? Is this God's destiny? Did ya? My heart raced strong, as strong as a deer running fast, dodging from the bow.

“Hey Nania, what are you worried about? I was suddenly dumb. Haha is still the same as I used to be, he likes to bengong wae” Aditya and then mess around with my hair plan, something I really like about him. I feel like.... in my dear?

“Oh yes tomorrow morning I want to go to nih” waterfall

“You want to make sure I mean it?” Geez my cheeks are so blushing in shame.

“eh, yes? Actually.there's something I want to show you there”

“What's up? How do you.”

“ah no papa, tomorrow morning at 8 am I pick you up huh? I've forgotten about the road to get there so you follow me huh?” Aditya scratched his head slowly.

“oke hehe”

Oh, my God, I can't wait. I've been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time. The little friend you found back. How lucky I am.

The sky gradually showed a tyndal effect. Blue has been replaced into orange and then black wins it all, again eating the sky and covered in dark night.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Why does the clock turn so slowly? Comeon! I want to kick every hour hand that moves every second. Let him go faster! So that I could meet Adit again, I miss God.

Little by little I was lulled far beyond the limits of the human conscious. I'm asleep.

—

“Nania, how did you get ready for so long? Come hunted, already in wait Adit in front tuh” Mr. yelling from the direction of the living room. His voice sounded very clearly up to the room.

“Iya Sir, Nania out again kok” I tried to answer the call.

“Ah is okay sir, just slow down” Sound slow voice Aditya who said to Father. Then they both laughed.

I then went out of the room. Wearing a blue short dress patterned with flowers. No, this time the clothes are not like a child. I'm 18 years old, no longer dressed in a pink dress and pigtailed in two.

We then boarded Aditya's car. It seemed like he had indeed forgotten the direction of the road leading to the waterfall. He used to be my compass, a guide to wherever we wanted to travel. Well time does have its own ability and power in changing a person, changing memory, character and mindset, whatever it is. Looks like it's my turn now, a pointer to one of our favorite places back then. No wonder, there have been quite a lot of changes here, in addition to access roads that have been more branching. But it's not really that different.

Along the way Aditya was busy driving and asked me directions. But there was one thing that troubled me a little. He also looked so busy with his hape, laughing and unceasingly fiddling with each little key using his right hand while his left hand kept driving. I was just wondering, what is the interesting thing in that little electronic box?

—

“Finally arrived! How does it feel to be far away? Whereas when he was a child it was like just a five-minute walk doang hehe” he took a deep breath and exhaled, deep.

“Haha, it's because we enjoy every step of our first. We also enjoy every time that passes until tired never feels so real” yes, I do enjoy everything, especially when with you Adit. Ah if you knew.

“iya yes maybe you are right. I agree with you, she smiled.

His face was still the same, none different except the scratches on the curves of his cheeks a little more and the look of a more mature face.

From a distance came the voice of a girl who called out Aditya's name. I saw a girl coming out of a black car. That girl is beautiful. Really stylish metropolitan girl style. Her hair was waist-long, thick black and slightly wavy. His skin is white and clean. He wears knee-length jeans, a plain white T-shirt lined with black vest and a necklace with heart-shaped pendants that are each end covered with small diamonds and inside the letter A&N. that's a beautiful necklace. He walked slowly, looking very graceful even with such a style plus white sneakers on the feet. He hung a small bag on his left hand and walked up to Adit and grabbed him.

I was shocked. How brave that girl is. Is he. ah impossible. I don't want to think bad things.

“A-adit.”

“Oh Yes Nania, this is Nayla”

“H-hi Nayla's. I Nania” we then shake hands. Hand soft. Looks like he's never held a rough object, no way.

I'm still fascinated by him. She's like a girl, perfect. And if I compare with myself, there's no way we're comparable, impossible to be of the same level, not the same! Cannot be. I'm not really into that much. Beauty problems, too many beautiful girls I have seen on television even though she is one of them. But, why does his embrace look so friendly? Aditya precisely reply to embrace the long neck and his ‘wah’ it. I'm jealous! My face is red! Can't be Adit! You can't be that close. At least you can't be like that in front of me.

Stupid nania! Don't know who you are? Huh, how brave. What right do I have? I'm not who he is. Aye! I am nobody you Adit! I I don't know myself! But it hurts.

“Nania, what's up?” Adit raised his right eyebrow, watching me.

“A-ah eng-ok” I lowered my head.

“This is the surprise that I mean” Adit patted slowly the shoulder of a girl named Nayla.

“I fiancee Adit” Nayla scratches a sweet smile on her thin, pink lips.

It felt like my heart stopped beating. My chest stopped the fireworks. My eyeballs almost jumped out. Rigid tongue. Frozen hands. My body doesn't feel paralyzed!

“Ja-so surprise..”.

“iya on November 23 we will get married. I want to introduce my whole life first to him” he said. “I mean my hometown, and you. Her poke is all childhood and stuff is cupping about me! Hehe” he then laughed.

Your past. Yes, I am just your past trash. In the laughter that was gracing your face, I cried. No more beautiful stories that I imagined would happen after your arrival. It is no longer possible that all the things and events that we used to be will be repeated.

You guys then play the waterfall together. Every dripping water, the dew produced, the laughter that is glittering, the happiness that is vividly painted. I prefer to sit alone. From a distance I can only see you. From a distance I can only call your name in silence. From a distance I can love you. Only from a distance can I see you. From a distance I cry. From a distance my love has washed away. Carried a waterfall that fell from a height of 20 meters.

No one knows I'm sad. No one realized I was crying. On a big rock I lay my own sorrow. The splash of the waterfall has fused with my tears, there is no way anyone can tell the difference between them, good. In my sedu I smiled as you looked at me. I didn't mean to ruin your happiness. No. gabe. Loving secretly always hurts. Especially if the person we love is never aware that we love him and instead prefer to love others. Love that is pendam is no better, because sooner or later, it is able to kill those who still hold it.

Holding love, pain not play. It feels like my heart is breaking into pieces. Why do you have to come again? If next I know you're gonna go and ask another woman. Why should I fall in love with you? Why am I so sure of my feelings that you are my future? Though not! Why did God give me a trial this time that was able to cut my feelings to the heart? So sick! It's sick! Why should I love you? So what is the long wait that I have done? Lost is my precious time, waiting for something that hurts me.

So it's clear. I understand what it'S LIKE, WHEN SHE'S THE ONE I'M HOPING FOR MY FUTURE, IT'S NOT HER