Loving You Secretly

Key

The endless breathing that afternoon exhausted me

Holding and bowing is not a decision

Not what I want, but your will

Uh! Not really like it

If only I could hold it, no one would lose it

Sorry, my lala made you leave

Lalai, Hesty Indah Pratiwi – 2013

I closed the mini notebook in front of me. There was fear after I made some poems this time. A poem I never knew for whom even the number of people were interested in reading it. Again only stored in the draft without sending. There have been more than 20 poems that are not clear who the recipient will be, all I know is who the inspiration is.

One year I learned to string word for word, keeping the literary meaning well in silence. Surely, write it down in silence whether it be day or night. Morning is not my favorite, because in the morning only verses of praise of God that I sound.

So is this place, a reading park that I have never visited. I always bring my soul and my imagination here. I don't know what and with whom, I love this place.

“All is over.” The long breath broke the silence.

“Whatever all we've been through ends with your desire to drive me away. Without a word, there was not even a look. There's only a cynical look at the corner of your eagle's eye that I see. Even your fist didn't come off until I actually left before you at that time. There's no defense you're doing to keep me standing in front of you. There is not even a shred of anything. You just stare at the sky, plain blue cloudless.”

“And in the end I hugged this silence again with tears from which I could bear. Fusing into one between emotion and regret. I must forget, yes. I must forget”

—

“Rif..”

I don't know whose hand was patting me, I wish it was him I always wrote his name here.

I was silent, at the moment what I thought was true. None other than he is the one I have just made my poetry background.

“Key? You're here?” my trembling voice cannot be hidden.

“Yes, Nita says you're going to a normal place. Which other place would be your favorite if not this place.”

Name's Keyza. He's been my friend since Junior High. In the past, Keyza was the only student ever to go to school abroad. His father worked in a company and his mother a pediatrician.5 years Keyza lived abroad, his father completed a work contract there so that requires their family to return to Indonesia. In 2006 Keyza and his family officially became WNI again. I was the first person to meet Keyza when he set foot in the same school as me. There is no smile more beautiful than Keyza's. His eyes are not too round make me furious, plus his high posture so that makes me often times inferior if I am beside him. We were close friends, often studied together and went to the cafeteria together. Keyza never forgot the unfunny dinosaur story I told you about. He laughed at my jokes that were never really funny. It sucks, but Keyza keeps wiping my head until I'm not on my back anymore.

“When do you get to this city again?” quickly I deleted my daydreams with this completely unimportant chatter.

“Tadi morning. I went to your house this morning, but Nita said you left. So you're from here in the morning?”

“He eh..” I nodded. Nodding my head is like my nod when I receive you, Key.

“Bikin what the hell? Still like nulis?”

Key tried to grab my notebook. I quickly clicked shut down and I hugged tightly.

“You what Key! You are a very habit from the past, his hobby called what I hold.” I stared at Key. He struggled in laughter.

I missed you, Key. It's just not the time to say this. Ah, you came again when goodbye was knit in my heart. You shouldn't be coming back, Key. You asked me to leave at that time.

—

Time reluctantly rotated as I grabbed Key's photo album in the living room, as well as this living room. Only Key's shoulder put me to sleep the afternoon before Key asked me to leave. The novel I had just bought back then and Key's laptop testified that our relationship was fine at the time.

“Rif, how were you in college?”

“That's it, campus, assignment, quiz, organization, home, nulis, nulis, nulis.”

“Without eating?” Key laughing.

“Heh stupid. You're stupid or what about Key?” I threw a pillow in his face. Key laughed more.

“Key..”.

“You have a girlfriend again?”

Key smiled. Not answering. His eyes were on the door, and he came out.

“Key, if you knew. I have never been in a relationship with anyone but you. Even I always ask them to be like you, but my steps are wrong. Key, don't you remember the story of dinosaurs and dance at that time? I thank them, because they're the ones we found.”

I'm following Key out. I let the words I said. I let it disappear without Key hearing, without Key answering.

“Rif, here. See nih!” Key showed me a letter.

Invitation letter to attend student conference in Germany

“You..”.

“Iya. I'm three months away from Germany, Rif. I was chosen as my campus representative to attend the student conference there. Thank you I congratulations dong!” Key touched my shoulder and shook my body.

it's not just my body that you shake, Key, it's my heart and my mind.

“Congratulations, Key! You've always been lucky in this. Yes it is natural that you have often been abroad.” I took Key's hand off my shoulder.

Tight, I need some fresh air.

“Key, I'm home yes.”

“So good, Rif? Lousy id lo!”

“I. Bye!” I took my bag and rushed home.

Key, there's no more defense you're doing. Do you feel like you no longer exist?

—

The sky is so dark. The moist wind that was blowing back troubled my mind. My mind went back to Key. Key never came back, never even cared how I felt.

The last time I met him was when he showed me a conference invitation letter. No more meetings after that.

I'm still trying to forget Key, however.

“There will be a third, fourth, fifth meeting, and so on. I know your reason why you didn't answer my question back then. I know everything, Key. You love her too. Your love for Lesha is so great, not the same as your love for me two years ago. But, Key. Not only was that my question, before you left there was actually something I wanted to ask, why did you ask me to leave that time? What's the reason, Key?”

I looked at Key's photo. With me.

“Key. Lesha never understood what it was like to be a faithful Rifi in time and willingly swallow insults from you. Somehow years ago, my tears broke violently in front of you, in front of my friends.”

The rain drops wet my window.

“Industry, Key. Very lovely. Join the competition with you. And for the first time you're taking me home. I was moved when you encouraged me when I failed. Unlike you.”

I grabbed my phone. Opening message.

“Rif, I'm sorry. You are the spirit yes, btw your book is good. Even though it was a task, you managed to step up. Spirit, would-be author.” Message from Key.

“Sials. You came in when I really wanted to forget, Key.”

The night still leaves a cold and drizzling wind. I haven't moved. Trapped in the time and circumstances that never supported me. There was discomfort for the farewell this time.

“Key, I don't know what all this means. Foolishness and loyalty come together in one life. Either I'm the fool, I'm the loyal one, or you never feel the same way. Key, tonight I tried to repeat from the beginning. If you really want me to forget, don't come again. Or, you can come back without leaving again.”

I miss you after a year of not being with you. Now, entering the yearning of a thousand times that has never been counted. My miss to you never came, Key. The night is getting late, the drizzle does not subside. I lay in memories.

“Key, I'm still here.”

Slender. Darkened. Chilly.

There is a whirring of longs and a reef of unanswered memories. In my heart, in my soul.